Working with the Kinks

Service Class

2010-12-08T02:04:00.000-08:00

I will be teaching a workshop on service relationships this February. The class has a listing on Fetlife and the CSPC calendar. I'm surprised and a little intimidated by the response it's getting a full two months out.

I've only been actively writing the curriculum for this class for a month. However, my life has been building the foundation for it over the last 10 years (with a notable acceleration over the last 3 years with Max). In some ways this curriculum feels like completing a thesis project (or how I imagine completing a thesis project feels given that I dropped my traditional grad school program just after starting my thesis project in earnest). What's entertaining to me is that I'm actually using stuff from traditional grad school to complete my kinky grad school project.

Breakfast Cookies for Russell

2010-12-05T15:17:00.000-08:00

Russell likes food a lot. Making food is love. Whether he makes it for someone or someone makes it for him, if you want to pay in to the love bank, enjoy food with Russell.

I am not as much about food, but I did have a Christmas tradition with my mom for several years. We would bake up a whole bunch of cookies and then deliver them to our friends on Christmas Eve. Food in general may not be love, but cookies are definitely love. And, bonus!, I know how to bake cookies.

But, bummer, Russell can't really have very much sugar without his body crashing and doing weird things. And so a few months ago I turned to the internet. I needed to find a tasty cookie recipe with plenty of protein and fiber to balance a little bit of sugar. Enter the hearty breakfast cookie recipe that I modified for better Russell enjoyment below.

Ingredients

1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup almond butter (because then I can serve them to my partner Adrienne)
1 1/4 cups packed brown sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 eggs
1/3 cup low- or non-fat milk (because it's tastier than water)
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
2 cups quick cooking oats
1/2 cup wheat germ
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
dash nutmeg
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 cup dried cranberries (because they're more special than raisins)
1/2 cup raisins (to keep things sweet)
1/4 cup chopped walnuts (but don't tell Russell)

Directions

In a really large bowl, using an electric mixer, beat together butter, almond butter, brown sugar, and vanilla until creamy. Beat in eggs and milk.
Mix together flours, oats, wheat germ, salt, cinnamon, and baking soda. Mix into almond butter mixture. Stir in cranberries, raisins, and walnuts.
Drop by heaping tablespoons 2 1/2 inches apart on greased (or non-stick) cookie sheets. Flatten slightly.
Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 8-10 minutes (maybe a little more). Cool on cookie sheet for 2 minutes, then transfer to cooling racks. Store in an airtight container.

I get about 22 cookies out of a batch, (ymmv). They fit nicely two to a sandwich-sized Ziploc and then they become little take-along baggies of love. I find it helpful to build informed consent before people bite into these cookies. They're super tasty breakfast in a desert-like shape. However, handing someone a "cookie" and having them bite in expecting chocolate numminess tends to result in disappointed/betrayed expressions.

I just finished baking another batch for Russell this afternoon. I was feeling a little off kilter earlier today. Despite the clear and overwhelming evidence, my brain was having a hard time believing it was loved. These things happen. Rather than asking for more external evidence, since that didn't seem to be helping, I decided to create some internal evidence. Clearly, if I'm baking cookies for someone and doing other good things for the people in my life then there must be a lot of love there to be shared around. Whacky logic, but hey it worked. By the time I'd finished eating the sample cookie, I felt all kinds of love. Not so much because more was coming in, but because I was letting more out. Russell's delighted expressions probably helped too.

I started exercising again

2010-12-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

While in free-fall, I've had a lot of time to readjust priorities and try different things.

About 2 weeks ago I broke out the old "PT Record" spreadsheet and renamed it "Exercise Menu" (as in, "Today I think I'll have a little from this column and a little from that column and a double helping of those."). I have a partner who is helping me with accountability and I send him a little summary each day. It's been a slow ramp-up, but I'm starting to feel neglected muscle tissue waking up again. I stretch and find different points of resistance. I lift things and feel sore, but strong.

But that's not the only kind of exercise. I've also been growing my heart, mind, and spirit. There have been some major shifts in a couple of my relationships and I've been trusting my spirit to handle them with grace and ease. Letting go without resentment takes a lot of practice, and even if I remember how that doesn't mean it's painless at the time. I'm waking up into a new shape of consciousness. I stretch and find different points of resistance. I make connections and feel sore, but securely connected to my Source. This life of mine is so very blessed.

Poly Go-to Strategies

2010-11-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

I recently had a friend of a friend referred to me for advice and support on her new Poly explorations. Below is part of my reply:

Here are my go-to strategies when I hit bumps:
Self Inquiry

What feels like love to me? What does your partner do that helps you know you're loved? What do you do to show her love? I find the five love languages quiz is a good place to start: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
Are my actions, beliefs, and attention encouraging or discouraging expressions of love? Are you holding your own loving actions back for some reason? Do you believe there is room for all of you here? Do you believe that your partner is the only source of love for you? Are you carefully cataloging every time you feel undervalued and possibly missing the little expressions of love in-between?
NOTE: The questions I almost always find unhelpful to ask directly are What is at the core here? and What needs aren't being met? That's not to say that I don't ask them every time (some lessons are learned more slowly). In my experience though, the answers to those questions point fingers at surface illusions and don't lead to good problem solving. It's like describing the monster under the bed before actually looking to see if there's a monster at all.

Communication

Start from a place of genuine compassion and gratitude.
Try to describe the experiences inside your heart without making up stories about what should or shouldn't have happened.
If you get to the point of making action plans, remember that these are experiments and having things go wrong is sometimes more helpful and informative than having them go right the first time.

Intentional time

Sometimes, I just miss my partner and the world turns right again after we have a good date.
This is different from the problem-solving communication time. This is time you write on a calendar and do something you're both likely to enjoy together.
It can be on a comforting activity that happens on regular schedule. It can also be hidden gems of time when you break out of your routines and find something new together.
Google calendar is my friend. All the people in my world are very very busy (Seriously, who isn't busy these days?) and sharing calendars helps me find those little spaces to slip in and enjoy one another.

Potential and Kinetic Metaphors

2010-09-28T21:07:00.000-07:00

Roller-coaster metaphors have been popping up around me a lot over the last few days. And while they do seem to match this particular part of my life path, I'm really not fond of them. The jostling, the racket of the track which never changes, being surrounded by people having the same ride and screaming their own experience into the air. That's *really* not my cup of tea.

I've been describing this period of impending transition as "Taking a leap with all the materials necessary to build a parachute on the way down." While it's funny and gets most of my point across, it's not exactly the metaphor I'm looking for either. Even though I don't know what's out there and I'm not sure how it's going to happen, I still believe pretty strongly that this leap is about creating and experiencing new heights much more than transforming potential energy into a wild kinetic ride only to land (hopefully softly) on the ground somewhere below.

There is A LOT of faith involved in making my current life choices. It's the kind of faith that invites fear to get the hell out of the way. It's not that I'm fearless or reckless or even particularly courageous. It's that my life is so full of love and blessing that I really don't have much choice but to know that things will work out in their highest and best good.

So, no. This is not a roller-coaster. And these materials aren't for a parachute after all. This is a hang-glider I'm building, and soon I'll be soaring with the eagles. This is stepping off a cliff knowing that my body and support system will be able to sense and ride on the invisible but powerful thermals that are just waiting out there to lift us up.

This is my love-note to all the people in my life who make up my hang-glider. The ones who stand straight and strong against the buffeting gusts. The ones who wrap close and hold tight. The ones who stretch wide and flutter and giggle in the breezes. The ones who bend into the wind and help me get where I think I want to go. Thank you for making the space and time for me to try my wings.

This is also a love-note to Spirit. Who sings in my heart, whispers in my ear, and lifts my feet off the ground.

It is the wind asking me "How good can you stand it?"
And my reply, "Even more than I can imagine tonight!"

Two Years in a week

2010-09-24T08:43:00.000-07:00

*flipping the lights on*
*pulling the dust covers off*
*doing an instrument check*
*stretching little-used muscles*

In one week, the hardware in my back will be 2 years old. What have I learned? What has changed? What endures? 2 years is a blink, 2 years is an age.

I'll be back next week.

2010-02-22T17:35:00.000-08:00

Dr Jay Williams, my primary surgeon, died on Thursday. The events surrounding his death have left me with a lot to ponder and reflect. I don't think I'll be sharing any of those thoughts here. I am only writing this here to send my love and respect to all those connected to this incident.

Who knew kite strings had such wild lives?

2010-02-06T12:13:00.000-08:00

This post contains significant discussion of extreme edge play (something I was helping with, not doing). It's your mouse, skip to the next thing on your reading list now if you don't want to know this about me. (In other words; Mom/Dad you'd rather get the Cliff's Notes version of this.)

Last night, I helped with a suspension scene for Tony. While there was a rope involved, it was not a rope suspension like the pictures you've scene here. During the peak of the scene Tony was hanging by 6 flesh-hooks in his back. I've seen this kind of scene done a few times before, but this is the first time I've been energetically involved with a hook suspension. My role was to be there and support Tony in this experience. This started with ordering the hooks last minute for him, and I don't think it's quite over yet.

I ordered the hooks from KinkyMedical.net less than a week before the scene and they arrived with two days to spare (in the words of Mistress Matisse, "Bruce is the bomb"). By the time I handed the box to Tony I already had a solid start on being his connection to the ground for this high-flying scene.

When I picked him up on our way to the club, he looked like a high-flying ball of nervous energy already. The first kiss in the car gave me a clear picture of my role for the evening. His nervous energy pulled me taught and I in turn cycled it back to the ground to keep him from flying away. I was going to be his kite string. It wasn't my intent to ground Tony. I simply wanted to make sure that the ground didn't forget about him while he was flying and hold just enough tension for him to play on the wind without tumbling out of control. (The good news was I didn't have to be his only kite string. Yay poly!)

As is often the case with big scenes like this, there was A LOT of waiting and prepping and fussing and more waiting. I imagine that a lot of that time I looked like one of the many other friendly voyeurs since I wasn't directly handling equipment or about to be poked myself, but I promise I was extremely energetically involved in this scene at all times. Most of that time I happened it gracefully, but I recall a few moments of snapping a little more fiercely than necessary at someone or something that might have otherwise pulled me off course. If you were one of those innocent bystanders, please know that I intended no more offense than a kite string does a person who tries to hold it without a reel or a pair of gloves.

I have no idea what it's like to be pierced by 8-gauge needles and hang by flesh hooks. I only know what the energy that moved through me felt like. I know what it's like to kiss someone deep enough to feel his energy shift and focus away from the unpredictable future to the present moment. I know what it's like to draw strength up from the earth and pass it to him through my lips and hands. I open up my energy and just provide the channel for this profound experience. As a benefit, I get to feel some of the exhilaration and joy of this amazing expression of life.

I've had enough kite-string like experiences to believe that I'm pretty well wired for this kind of thing, but I'm not supremely skilled or disciplined at it. I can much too easily lose hold of the ground or the path that keeps my energy unique from that of the person who is playing. This time I had several factors working in favor of my success.

First of all was Pupcake. She was my fellow kite string and many times I drew her to me as my own anchor to the ground. This young woman is amazing! She expresses this playful yet frank and grounded energy whenever I'm around her--a true joy and priceless resource last night. I could write a whole other entry solely on how wonderful it was to share this experience with her quite honestly.

Then there was the direct confidence of the man orchestrating the suspension. Whether he's actually done this kind of thing 1000 times over or not didn't matter last night. What mattered to me was that he moved with the presence of someone who had.

His girl was yet another blessing for success. Where Pupcake was my energetic anchoring partner, this girl was the one I trusted to catch the details that slip past someone with the confidence of having done something 1000 times over. She was his much-needed and ever-graceful second pair of hands and eyes. When I needed something logistical to focus on to keep myself grounded, I simply went to her and let her point me in a direction.

And then there was the caring experienced nursing team ready to help his body if anything started to go wrong and the huge circle of supportive friends just outside my awareness each having their own experiences and being aware of this moment with me.

Finally, it was time for the hooks to go in. It is difficult to describe what it is to watch someone you love willingly and willfully process intense amounts of pain while holding space for him to do so. Being present for the yelling and cringing and the edge of tears he will not show. Breathing with him that he might remember to keep breathing. Being aware of the space outside of the circle and deciding which details don't matter and which need attention. Being of aware of the non-energetic space inside of the circle enough to see a request for water or other assistance. Perhaps the best is to say I felt like a painfully resonant instrument in a powerful expression of creativity. (or perhaps I'm just reading too many woo-woo books lately)

When flying a kite, there is the long process of getting to know the feel of the wind that day while you're first getting it into the air. In my experience of being a kite string, I would have to say that this process is harder on the string than any other time. There's jerking and slack and reeling out and back in. Let's just say it's high-stress on a thin piece of conduit. The process of attaching the hooks to the suspension rig and balancing the pulling force on them felt a lot like that to me. I spun around and spilled out a little more than was altogether necessary.

But then...
Tony caught the wind just right. It was beautiful! I was so happy for him and so happy to have all these amazing people around him. We all watched him fly and got to be sprinkled with the joy that sprang from every part of his being. (With really very little blood shed in the process.)

When his body started to react (dizzy, nauseous, sore etc.), I could sense it in my own before he said anything to the top. Sometimes I consciously noticed a change in his breathing or facial expression, but other times it seemed more like the sense was coming from inside of me. This was especially handy as he started to come back down.

I knew when it was time to wrap him up and feed us all cupcakes and when it was safe to move to a more snuggly spot with just Pupcake, Tony and me. Along with the package of sensing his needs I also got to sense his gratitude and joy and ecstasy. I think that's a pretty fair bargain.

Thank you Tony, my love, for sharing this experience with me and all of your friends. You are an amazing gift to this world.

Things to love about my life

2010-01-29T23:16:00.000-08:00

I just felt the urge to send a little love text. I typed it out on my not-smart phone. I went to select recipients. The top 5 most recent correspondents are automatically at the top of my list for easy communication on the not-smart phone. Every single one of them merits a late-night love text. AND I still had one more that I needed to search my contacts list for because there are 6 (SIX!!) people in my life that I love in a late-night love-text kind of way.

My life is AWESOME.

Oh and... Bang 4 the Buck is tomorrow night. If you identify as female, get your butt down there! Kaylee and I have an... arresting number prepared.

But this wasn't on the agenda...

2010-01-29T20:47:00.000-08:00

Let's talk a little bit more about that job. First off given the nature of the job and the nature of this blog, I'm going to be a little vague about the job so as not to spook the potential employers should they accidentally happen across a description of their job posting here. That's not to say that I'm actively presenting a polished puritan persona either. (My resume lists my volunteer work without shady acronyms.)

What I feel like chatting about though is the slow and steady way the idea of actually moving south and doing this job keeps wheedling its way into my brain. I had a friend/mentor remind me that the choice to take the job is not in fact a lifetime commitment. She took a job up in the Alaskan bush once holding to the philosophy that she could do anything for a single school year. This little bit of wisdom was precisely the growing condition my seed of a wish needed to grow into a full-blown desire.

That desire requires a lot of creative thinking though. This is where the scene from Princess Bride where Inigo rattles off a litany of obstacles to the recently mostly-dead Wesley pops vividly to mind. Rather than storming a castle though I'm looking at returning to an abandoned passion and moving 800 miles away from my family. The Inigo in my head sounds a little like this "I'll say. First, how do we get the job. Then once we get the job, how do we plan the exit strategy for the current job, and how do we afford to live in the new city, and how do we prepare to enjoy life without seeing family every night of the week, and how do we find the right place to live, and how do we decide how much to take with, and how do we avoid/productively deal with the challenges that made us abandon the passion in the first place, and how do we reassure family that everything will be just right and..." Eventually Fessig breaks in reminding us that we haven't even heard back about the cover letter yet.

Sigh...

What's This? A Post?!

2010-01-25T22:32:00.000-08:00

When one goes for more than a month without posting, things (a.k.a. huge fucking deals at the time) get boiled down to bullet points. In no particular order (not even chronological) here's my list:

I'm exploring a whole different kind of loving with an amazing super-wonderful couple full of joy and wisdom. It isn't exactly NRE for me, but the kind of peace and pleasure I feel when we make time for one another is no less delicious.
I just (as in moments ago) sent in an application to a job 800 miles away from where I'm living now. I'm especially enamored of the idea of this job. I've decided to put off the realities of moving until it's actually time to worry about it.
I've now done two different dance performances at LRS. It's a lot of fun and if you are female and want an encore of my most recent performance with Kaylee, you should come to Bang 4 the Buck.
About 6 years ago I started attending a local New Thought type church. I've been attending ever since with varying degrees of commitment and regularity. This whole time I've been avoiding "drinking the kool-aid" and taking their foundations class. I just went to the first session of that class tonight. There's a lot more to this and it will likely be a source for longer blog entries in the near future. Prepare for the "Woo-woo"
I had some bumpy spots in some of my poly relationships over the course of the last two months. They pretty much all boiled down to: communication, logistics, and invalid comparisons. Again, there may be more details later.

Various and Sundry

2009-12-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

It seems like I should post again so here you go:

I'm thinking of changing the focus of my posts for the next year. I'm more than a year out from surgery and frankly it just isn't that big a deal in my life anymore. (Hence, I'm not posting so much) That said, I want to keep stuff archived so people looking for shared experiences have somewhere to turn, and I'm always open to questions on old posts.
The poly parts of my life are definitely taking center stage in my personal growth plan right now. There are a lot of moving parts in my world of relationships which means there's rarely a dull moment. The tricky part of adjusting the blog to this emphasis will be in relaying genuine experiences without stirring up undue drama.
I haven't stopped being kinky either--though the realization of these desires hasn't been quite as prominent as playing the poly balancing act. I would like to take at least a post or two in the near future to try to put into words what I get out of all this and what I'm still longing for.
Performance/theatrical art has certainly made a come back in my life and I'm quite happy about that. I'll be dancing in an upcoming show at Little Red Studio here in Seattle. Rehearsals are going well so far.

Thanksgiving Benchmarks

2009-11-29T13:33:00.000-08:00

This has been an interesting and informative holiday break.

Last year at this time, I was just about 2 months out from surgery and doing quite well.
This Thanksgiving, I spent a lot of time working in Kaylee's kitchen and making little notes about how much has changed. Besides the addition of Tony to our Thanksgiving celebration, the best improvement this year was that I could handle all the heavy pots on my own. I remember how frustrating it was to try to make the "Best Mac'n'Cheese Evar!" while having to ask other people for help draining the pasta and moving pans around. I'm still pretty conscious of which muscles I'm using when I lift heavy things, but it's more out of a learned awareness than imminent danger of damaging myself.

Other things have gotten better too. There's a girl out there who can confirm with certainty that, as of last night, I have zero trouble moving around a bed. The couch risers have been stowed away so long that I was surprised to find them while cleaning house for a small party yesterday.

When I dug into the archives looking for last year's Thanksgiving status update, I found a couple other posts. Some things change but others stay the same. I still have that piece of hardware creating a lump on my back, and I'm still struggling to stick to plans of exercising to maintain my upper back and shoulders. But hey, what would life be without a few consistent plot lines?

Gym=Blogging?

2009-11-10T21:24:00.000-08:00

When I got home from the gym tonight and sat down to blog, I realized the last time I sat down to blog was also one of the last times I'd been to the gym. I don't think this is actually a causal relationship. I think it's more about the number of nights when I've had enough time and energy to do more than basic needs self-care. That's not to say that I've been all work and exhaustion for the last month. It's just when one has four key relationships to maintain in addition to adding another 20 hours a week in extra-curricular activities, time to reflect and focus on body awareness can slip to the side.

Good news is; I have more time now (including a 4-day weekend that starts tonight).

It Worked?!

2009-11-06T23:08:00.000-08:00

Recently I've had a couple strange ideas that I resisted acting on for a short while and then thought: "What the hell, lets give it a shot."

Now I find myself a little stunned that they both worked with better than expected results. I'm not sure what kind of charm I've got going, but I think I should continue to make good use of it for as long as possible.

Go go gadget weird idea manifestation!

When the going gets tough...

2009-10-22T23:09:00.000-07:00

I posted this to another journal a while back (10/22/09 to be exact) and couldn't get it cross posted here until just now. So this is old news, but still worth archiving:

Back pain: About the end of August I started having a lot more back pain than normal. There was a bit of a panic briefly, then I started up with a new set of physical therapy sessions. I was officially discharged from those last Friday.

Stage managing: A little more than half-way through the run things are moving pretty smoothly. Everybody knows what to do and how not to fuck up. The script failed to grow on me, but such is life. It just means I get to enjoy making snarky comments over the headset. It is fun to do the pick-up rehearsals where the actors have permission to goof off significantly and mock the script themselves. It's a nice hour-long guided improv that also happens to get the lines back in the actors' heads.

Curriculum writing (and other zoo work): The kick-ass anatomy curriculum draft was submitted on Wednesday. I expressed at least a couple moments of educational brilliance. Boss Lady is currently in a mood though so I'm not sure how she's going to react to my pure genius. Just in-case I was worried I might have time to take a breath, I also had a meeting with another subdivision of the education department and have had my curriculum brilliance skills contracted with 3 (THREE!) major re-writes to teacher packets that will likely occupy most of my non-registration time for the next 10 months.

So the season of way too fucking much to do is coming neatly to a close. What does a girl like me do to celebrate?

Buy new undies of course!

I stumbled into a store having a sale on some very cute panties and spent some money there. Then, when I got home after rehearsal, I got a marketing email from figleaves.com (aka the devil to my pocketbook). They were having a sale on some things that have been sitting in my "shopping bag" for quite some time. Then like a good little impressionable consumer, I also found a couple other things that needed purchasing too.

Ha!

2009-10-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

I made it to the gym again! Hooray! I'm a little surprised by how things have slipped away over the last 2 months... maybe surprised isn't exactly the right word... what's the word for being fully aware of potential outcomes but still solidly in denial until reality will no longer be refused?

Anyway, I got some good stretches in, did my PT before work and 45 minutes of cardio after work today. It feels good.

Anniversary Plus Techweek

2009-09-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, it will be exactly 1 year since surgery.
However, party-like social celebrations of this anniversary are being postponed until November.

This is because on Thursday night I will also be stage managing for the first time in about 10 years. On many levels, being able to stage manage is its own form of celebration of the anniversary of surgery. (The show is Psycho Beach Party at the Burien Little Theater if you're interested in that kind of thing)

PT and Volteran are working out well to deal with the back pain of earlier this month. Hopefully once the show is up and running I can get back on my exercise routine and keep up my goals of staying fit.

For now, I'm off to bed so that I can get up and do this crazy theater thing all over again tomorrow night after work.

(I'm going to tag this post later)

Verdict

2009-09-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

There was a lot of waiting involved in this "quick rush in" appointment. I'm pretty used to that with Dr. Williams, so I just rolled with it and was appreciative that he was willing to squeeze me in before the long weekend.

The bones and hardware are all still in place and in tact. I have some uber anti-inflammatories, and a script for more PT (pretty much what I expected). He offered massage and other pain blockers, but I declined. Really I just want to do something to make it feel better. I don't mind hard work or habit changing, but I'm not interested in covering it up and hoping it goes away.

Now, what was I going to do with my Friday again?

Update

2009-09-04T09:19:00.001-07:00

Since Mom is reading this I thought some other folks might be also. Here's the latest:

After leaving a message with "Jennifer the Amazing" last night, I waited until 9 to hear back from her. My back woke me up at 7, so 9:00 was much later in the day than it normally is on my days off. At 9:05 I hadn't heard back from the usually very prompt nurse, so figured Jennifer was wrapped up in something else. I decided to call in to the front desk and get the appointment process started with them.

I'm pretty happy with Dr. Williams, and Jennifer is great, but OPA as an organization is a very typical corporate medical institution with ridiculous hoops and phone trees. I try to avoid calling the front desk whenever possible. This morning was a good example of why:

Call 1: "Please listen to the whole menu as our options have changed. For appointments press 5...(I press 5)...This is the perscription refill request line. Please leave the following information at the tone...(I hang up)

Call 2: "Please listen to the whole menu as our options have changed. For appointments press 5...(I press 5 very carefully)...This is the perscription refill request line. Please leave the following information at the tone...(I try all the little secret get me out of this menu buttons I can think of including * and # with no success. I hang up)

Call 3: I try for Jennifer's direct extension again, but she's still not there and I'm not going to leave a second message to bother her.

Call 4: "Please listen to the whole menu as our options have changed." This time I listen to the whole stupid menu and hear that I should press 8 for perscription refills. I press 8 hoping that the two lines are just reversed. Instead I get the emergency response nurse who is peeved that she's talking to me. She doesn't seem terribly interested in the fact that the phone tree sent me here unwittingly, and transfers me to the front desk. I sit on hold for a while, get a brief contact with someone and sit on hold a while longer. Eventually the receptionist gets back to me and I find out that Jennifer isn't in today so she's going to transfer me back to the operator where I should dictate a detailed message to be typed up and given to the person filling in for Jennifer today. Turns out that the operator is also the person who answers the emergency line, and she's again delighted to hear my voice.

I've left the message and I'm once again in a holding pattern waiting to hear back about an appointment.

Sigh.

The nice thing about cell phones is I can still go out to breakfast with my boy and I won't miss the call back. (deleted unnecessary snarky comment here) Maybe I'll give a couple PT exercises a try while I wait for Russell to be ready to go eat.

By the time I finished typing this I got a call back, and I'm heading straight to the office right now.

Truth in Advertising

2009-09-03T22:29:00.000-07:00

Hi folks,
For the last several days my thoracic spine has been really painful--like keeping me up at night, the perscription drugs from last fall are looking really appealing kind of painful. I've been wracking my brain trying to think of something, anything, I've done lately that might be causing it and I'm coming up blank.

Over the course of the last two days I've started seriously regretting having this surgery done at all. It's a horrible feeling to think that I went through all that shit of the last year and came out on the other side being in pain more often than I ever was before.

Max convinced me to call the surgeon's office tonight and hopefully get a quickie appointment for tomorrow. I'm hoping that a little physical therapy and body retraining will be all that's required, but this is a pretty dramatic change from a month ago so I'm kind of nervous about what might be revealed.

More Tylenol, ice-packs, and trying to get to sleep for me now.

The Anti-Worry

2009-08-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

Here's my plan:

Re-read every post tagged with worrying and/or questions.
List the concerns from each post
Record what really happened
Share it with all of you (Though, it's been so long since I've updated there might not be any readers left, but oh well)

Posted in April 08:
Questions:
Will I be able to walk on stripper heals? Will the way my body moves still illicit tips? Will I fit into the costume we already purchased? Will I be able to attend without being unreasonably exhausted? (Will I ever post about anything completely unrelated to the surgery?)
Answers:
I wasn't walking in stripper heals yet. We did get plenty of tips. Had to adjust the straps a little, but I fit just fine. Made it through the event just fine energy wise.

Posted in May 08:
Question:
Do I really need this surgery or am I just seeking attention?
Answer:
3 of 3 surgeons agreed that the surgery was necessary. I may have also been seeking attention, but I'm too damned self-aware to let that kind of behavior get very far beyond reality.

Question:
Will my partners be so afraid of hurting me that they forget how to have passionate sex with me?
Answer:
Briefly, but that's probably for the best initially. Being aware of the potential for this problem made all the difference in the world when it came up. Lots of reality checks and constant recalibration of our abilities have kept the good things going and getting better all the time.

Posted in July 08:
Question:
Do I have enough time to do all the things I want to do before surgery? Am I ready for this change?
Answer:
In this post, I noted that August was invisible. Actually, it was September that disappeared. I skipped several fun things that month because I was just too darn anxious. I was ready though, and if I'd known how quickly some of these fun things would come back to me I would have been a lot less anxious.

Posted in August 08:
Questions:
What if I never get to do this again after surgery? Am I ok with my massage therapist seeing the impending marks? What will our relationship look like during my recovery? How do I get the absolute most out of my body right now without risking surgery-delaying damage? Why won't my mind let go so I can just be here now and process this?
Answers:
I'll do something else that's even more fun. Yes, of course I'm ok with my massage therapist seeing marks--closets are for clothes not skeletons. The relationship question merits a whole post full of gratitude unto itself. Let go into the sensations and be alert for "bad pain." Rhetorical questions like that one are the major culprits in the assault on my concentration.

Posted just before surgery: (answers in italics)

How long do they expect I'll be in which parts of the hospital? (Surgery, ICU/Recovery, Patient room) I was in surgery for 8.5 hours, recovery for a pretty short time and then moved to the patient room for 8 days.
Will I see the surgeon before surgery? How soon after will he check in? Yes, I saw him briefly beforehand. A year later, I don't remember exactly when he came back after I moved to the patient room, but he checked in pretty often.
What are the policies around electronics in patient rooms? (iPod? Laptop? Wireless access?) I could have whatever I wanted. There was wireless, but it was pretty well censored so I couldn't update to fetlife.
At what point will the first people come see me after surgery? As soon as I was in my room, they could have come in. There was an unfortunate miss communication that meant I was awake for a while and missing my family while being very confused.
How do updates of my surgery progress get to family members? (Should they all hang out there all day? Should they rotate through, but keep someone there all day? Is there some pager system in case they all wander off?) Dr. Williams' Nurse walked out to the waiting room and gave regular updates to my family throughout the process. Then Dr. Williams came out and gave the closing report when things were done.
Who do I need to tell about my picky diet stuff? How much space is there for making accommodations? There's not a lot to worry about diet wise when all you feel like eating is chicken broth and graham crackers. When I was ready for more food, they had plenty of options. Swedish Orthopedic Rocks!
Will there be more digital x-rays or other images I can have access to? No nifty images of the surgery in progress, but plenty of x-rays along the way. Speaking of which I need to post a little time-lapse thing at some point.
What items should I bring with or specifically leave home? (I have several lists, but I want to cross reference with what the nurse says on this one.) Toiletries, snacks for guests, laptop, Fraggle Rock, music, bathrobe, fuzzy socks, slippers with traction. Things I wish I'd had: moisturizer, contact list in large print, gum/mints.

Posted at various times after surgery:
Questions:
Am I good enough? Did I break something?
Answers:
Yes. No.

Happy Anniversaries

2009-07-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

The first anniversary of note: I've been running this blog for a little over a year. It's interesting to look back at some of my frets and preparations back then. I think that's fodder for a whole new post unto itself.

Also, Max and I recently celebrated the 2nd anniversary of our first overnight date. I've been meaning to blog about it for a while now, but it seems like there are more interesting things to do with my time than sit at the computer lately. So once again I shall substitute eye-candy for intellectual content.

Enjoy (click for bigger):

My life is Awesome!

2009-06-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, overall it's just about as awesome as most other people's lives. BUT the past weekend was particularly demonstrative of my life's unique flavor or awesomeness.

The week was stressful at work, not all bad stress, mostly high-intensity, "this is what we spend all year getting ready to do" kind of stress. Still Russell and I managed to have a nice dinner before Grind (the beginning of my weekend). Then, because I didn't have any actual responsibilities at this particular Grind, I went home to consult my closet about the night's costume.

I wasn't sure whether Tony (formerly known as Mr. NRE) was even going to attend Grind, so I approached my closet looking for something fun, but that would not be so cool as to be disappointing should he miss the opportunity to appreciate the outfit. Much as I wanted to go with a low-risk standard, there was a costume piece that refused to be denied any longer. The boots. As in my platform-heeled, lace-up-the-back, zip-up-the-front, I've-fallen-on-my-butt-more-than-once-while-dancing-in-them boots. I figured I had at least a couple more weeks before they demanded to be worn since I did take them out on a short test-run at SEAF. But NO these boots can get down-right bossy and demanded a serious high-femme outfit to set them off that night.

So I quickly sent a irresistibly tempting photo message to Tony hoping to insure he would show up, put myself together and out the door I went (with boots in hand because while they're bossy they were no where near convincing enough about their comfort and stability to keep me from wearing back-up shoes).

The boots did make it out on the dance floor. I did not fall on my ass. Tony did show up. And he was mightily appreciative of the outfit.

With the exception of a being a little extra cautious when the floor got crowded, it was almost as if I'd never had the surgery. My back didn't even get sore after all that dancing and balancing with a weird center of gravity.

That's all very nice, but here's where the awesomeness really starts:

On Saturday morning, I got to share breakfast with Max for the first time in much too long. He's been out of town and I've been a little tougher to schedule lately. Fortunately we had the good sense to share breakfast in private so we could enjoy each other and "what-not" without trying to maintain a vanilla exterior.

Oddly though, by the time I got home after sharing breakfast with Max, I was perhaps even a little more hungry than I was before breakfast. So Russell and I went out to lunch together and made plans for the way we wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon. Things didn't go exactly as planned but we really didn't mind. Honestly, what's not to like about an afternoon spent on very focused snuggling and "what-not," reading out loud, and sharing a pizza dinner while still naked in bed.

Then it was time for Russell and I to be on our separate ways. I was off to see opening night of a show that Tony was performing in. The show went quite well and Tony and I wrapped up the day with still more focused snuggling and "what-not."

That was significantly more "what-not" than I pack in to any given week on a regular basis, much less a single day and guess what... My back feels fine (my girl bits are a little cranky, but hey, there's a price for everything). Russell, Max, and Tony all spoiled me rotten on Saturday which is just what I needed to be ready to jump back in to the craziness at work today.

Seriously, my life is awesome!

Fly-by posting

2009-06-08T23:08:00.000-07:00

Hi Kids,
Yes, I'm still caught up in NRE and not posting much in the way of thoughtful content. However, this post at least has a NSFW picture, and something recovery related.

First, here is a picture of the first post-surgery suspension Max and I managed to catch on camera. I will probably have more to say about this later, but for now, I'll let the pretty picture speak for itself.

In other news, I went to my first yoga class since surgery after work today. There's still a lot that I can't do, and it's a little frustrating that some of my favorite poses from before surgery are just out of the question right now. I used to love the twisty poses. Pre-surgery my spine was all about twisting and bending in bizarre directions. Now even the "relaxing" twists are... NOT relaxing. On the other hand, all those poses where the instructor reminds people to have a flat back, I'm set!

Ok, I'll be back... real soon now...

Don't catch a cough!

2009-05-25T10:00:00.001-07:00

Word to the wise in back surgery recovery, avoid catching a cough. Sudden repeated and unpredictable contractions of core muscles does not make for a happy healing process. My back feels more like it did back in February strength and stamina wise lately. This is a source of serious frustration when there's play and sex to be had. On more than one occasion this week, I caught myself "muscling through" pain or exhaustion that really should have been acknowledged and addressed. As soon as I figured out that it was about the cough and not a random back slide, it's been easier to be nice to myself (and admit to others that I'm not as strong as I was a week or two ago).

Also, if NRE were predicted in a Rob Brezsny horoscope, this is what it would look like:

"The planets are conspiring to unleash energies that will touch you in ways you didn't realize you needed to be touched. Any minute now you may begin to feel a pleasurable burning sensation in your soft underbelly, or a prickly wake-up call in your willpower, or a ticklish electricity running through your funny bone. What does it all mean? Maybe nothing. Or maybe it means so much that you can't possibly analyze its meaning. What a valuable gift that would be! When is the last time you felt free of the need to have to understand everything?"

Where'd Red Go?

2009-05-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

I don't have any big events to prepare for.
I don't have any major health struggles.
I have plenty to talk about.
Where the hell have I been?!

Three little letters explain so much: N.R.E.
It's a delightful mental illness which all the experts say will eventually pass on its own without significant treatment.
It frequently manifests symptoms like: sleeplessness, exhaustion, manic episodes, obsessive fixation on communication devices, and characteristic eye rolling in bystanders.

In poly circles especially, NRE (new relationship energy) can be... volatile. There's the fantastic joyful high that can spread out and run all over the other partners resulting in (among other things) more fun sex for everyone. But there's also the high potential for all parties to communicate poorly and make stupid mistakes. Failure to properly manage NRE has been the death of many many poly relationships.

So what am I doing to keep the good and mitigate the risks?
Awareness: The first step is to recognize that this is infact NRE. It's not suddenly finding the one true thing I've been seeking my whole life. Nor is it a casual friendly flirtation to be down-played.
Communication: I'm trying to err on the side of overcommunicating with existing partners. Even with that goal, I think I'm still falling short a little. I'm also trying to pay attention to what my partners are saying (and not saying) about their comfort levels with the situation.
Quality time: I'm making intentional time with my existing partners doing the things we like best or that feel special and unique to our relationships.

So far, so good.

Someone New

2009-05-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

With the exceptions of having my windshield smashed and being pretty exhausted all week, life is good right now. Here's a scanned and cropped version of one of the photo-booth pictures taken at SEAF. (A total of 58 bobby pins by the way)

Beyond this point, this is another one of those more kink/sex-focused posts:

Last night, I played with someone new for the first time in a long time. More specifically, I played with someone who did not know me during the rougher parts of my recovery from surgery. This was also the first time since well before surgery that I played in a more fluid power dynamic situation. So the equation looks a little like this:

Surprise Chemistry + Fluid Power - Shared History = Rapid Potential Achievement

When your body changes drastically, there are things you learn to do (or avoid doing) that just become habit after a while. It was nice to have those habits fall away and just explore what felt right in the moment. I want to write more about this, but I think I'm puzzling things out too much to clearly communicate what the puzzle looks like yet.

It was hot, and fun, and educational, and ultimately... exhausting (but in a good way).

More Pictures

2009-05-04T23:26:00.000-07:00

Here are some awkward self-portraits of Saturday's dress:
(click for bigger...I think)
A note on this dress, this dress has a lot of personal history in it for me. It was a gift from the person who introduced me to my community here in Seattle, given to me on a weekend trip together after only having spent 24 hours together in person. It marked a whirlwind introduction, and I was quite pleased to have such a special occasion to show it off again. My body hasn't changed all that much, but after 7 years something about the way I carry myself in this dress feels like it has changed significantly. The pose in that blurry shot where you can see the tops of my boots would never have happened 7 years ago.

SEAF Public Opening Night

2009-05-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

The SEAF planning/production team and volunteers kick ass! This is one hell of an event. I'm one of those people who had mixed feelings about some of the past year's festivals. While I was excited to be in the show this year, I honestly didn't expect it to be this fantastic. The space, the art, the program, the tech-crew: awesome!

I got to see even more of the art with Russell taking a more methodical approach to the gallery. I also got to lurk around my x-ray and watch complete strangers react to it. That was fun.

I don't have any pictures of last night's outfit. I wound up wearing the body hose tonight rather than the dress I'd originally planned on. Friday was supposed to be about seduction and texture and the body hose has that in spades. It also gave me an excuse to wear my hair down because I fully planned to flirt and find people to join me in the dress, and there is no number of bobby-pins large enough to hold a hairstyle together climbing in and out of a tube multiple times. When I arrived it dawned on me that dress sharing wasn't going to happen when we were all strutting about the gallery seeing and being seen. So I waited patiently for the after-party to start and planned to have a little fun with a friend out on the dance floor.

Here's the thing though, when the lights went down and the after-party started I realized these weren't "my people" attending this part of the festival. I've become completely spoiled at the Wetspot. I just don't go out to normal clubs and I forget what drunken otherwise overly-inhibited people do when they have an excuse to let go a little. All my alarm bells went off saying I would likely be spending more time whacking people away than dancing. My friend and I agreed that the dress dancing would have to wait for a Grind. Russell and I left very shortly there after (but not before seeing a truly talented pole dancer show her stuff).

Again, my own personal version of a SEAF after-party was my favorite part. I started typing this post before bed last night while sitting on the couch in my dress full of unused potential. When I noticed the post was going to be more than a few sentences to get my ideas out there, I set it aside and went to snuggle a very sleepy Russell. I didn't bother to take the dress off, and managed to get Russell to join me inside. I really like watching skeptical people try the dress and realize how much cozy fun it is. I'll spare you most of the details, but suffice it to say the body hose makes a nice bedtime companion as well.

Ok I'm off to a workshop. Then it'll be time to get ready for one more night of fun and craziness this weekend.

SEAF Preview Review

2009-05-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

Hi folks,
There's a lot more SEAF to go this weekend, but I know some of you would like to see at least a first set of pictures.

The pampering at Duque was quite nice. Even though our snapshots don't do her work justice, Lola our make-up artist was fantastic! We had great eyes! I wasn't thrilled by my hair style, but it was definitely very fancy. I kept telling people it was Art (with a capitol A). And hell, I've got two more nights to play with my hair in my own way.

Here's the first picture Kaylee and I took in our attempt to document the evening. We would have had Russell take it for us, but he was busy in the shower (Can you see the boy part in the background?)

Then we decided that none of the white walls in the apartment would do for background portrait shots so we wandered into the front yard. These two shots are my favorites so far. Partly because I don't take great face shots to begin with and also because we just look so damned pretty and elegant.

When we got there, I would have nothing to do with anyone or anything until I located my x-ray. It's in a pretty easy to describe place. Walk to the back of the hall, stand in front of the boutique photo booth, turn around and look at the wall behind you. There's a fantastic torso sculpture to the right and a hot redhead to my left.

Once the piece was located, a lovely evening of showing off was had by all. Max joined Kaylee and I part way through the night and we got to direct him to the fun art we had scoped ahead of time.

As nice as it was to wander around and feel special and fancy like all the others in the room, I have to admit, the highlights of my evening came after we left the exhibition hall. The preview closed early (for people used to staying out until 1AM on a Thursday), so Kaylee, Max, and I went to Whim for a little pick-me-up before finishing the night off at Grind. Actually Max went home after insuring that Kaylee and I were well nourished and properly motivated to enjoy the last bit of Grind on our own.

And enjoy Grind I did. Stripping out of that outfit was so much fun. There were several songs worth of just teasing the skirt up, but eventually I couldn't stand it any longer the gown needed to come off. Only problem was, I had a pair of jellyfish stuck to my breasts underneath that were in no way sexy when viewed without clothes over them. So I tip-toed off the dance floor as discretely as possible to remove them and stash them in a safe place. I got to finish off the last two songs of the night dancing naked for people I really enjoy, including one new individual whose attention was particularly compelling. (I anticipate finding ways to have more of that individual around in my future)

All that dressing up and decking out does have it's draw-backs at the end of the evening though. Kaylee and I were really longing for my dear friend who actually enjoys taking down complicated redhead up-dos. NORMAN WHERE WERE YOU?! Instead, we had to do it ourselves. Here's one of the last pictures from the night.

Care to take a guess as to how many bobby pins it takes to hold Kaylee and I together on a night like this? (answer will be in the next post)

Pamperpalooza 2009

2009-04-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

What is Pamperpalooza 2009?
It begins Wednesday with an evening of bathing, grooming, eating, and mutual mani- pedi- with Kaylee.
Then I do a little self care and go kick a certain trainer in the shins Thursday morning (Because I will be done limping by then and he definitely deserves it.)
A final baseline grooming and Kaylee and I are off to Duque for professional pampering.
This includes my very first facial ever, and make-up and up-do's for both of us. (I've never been here before either. You can be sure I'll tell you how it went.)
Then we put on pretty dresses and prance around our respective homes informing the boys it's time to tell us how pretty we look. (I've found it's important to be clear about your goals when prancing. If you don't want to hear "Are you really wearing that?!" then it's better to just say "Tell me I look pretty.").
There will probably be some snap-shots of Pamperpalooza (and the end result) that I'll happily post after the night is through.

All this pampering does not come cheap, but we're worth it. Between the white dresses and the disproportionate amount of pre-event fussing, it's almost like Kaylee and I are getting to do all the fun parts of a wedding without having to deal with the drudge-work, cranky relatives, and unreasonable commitment at the end.

Personal trainer appointment: FAIL

2009-04-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

One should not leave an "orientation" appointment in tears (they were emotional tears as opposed to pain tears though those aren't good either).

I felt embarrassed, frustrated, and weak. I let my brain do the check-out thing I haven't let it do in a couple years. Oddly, the more checked-out I was the more positive feedback I got from the trainer about my form. If I could learn to use that willfully in a meditative state rather than reflexively in a survival state I might have something.

I'm going to go hide and pretend it didn't happen for a while.

I posted this note on a couple other networking sites today, and got some immediately protective reactions from my friends. Along with encouragement to keep trying and find another trainer.

The fail was mutual.

The trainer is still in school for this stuff and walked into our session scared shitless of fucking up my back (quite possibly because I handed him my latest x-rays--there's something about the image of 23 screws sticking into my spine that seems to get people's attention).

I walked in wanting some upper body and core exercises. He announced we were going to work on my legs. I failed to say, "No, we're going to work on what I want to work on because it's my time and I've been living in this body for the last 32 years."

He then failed to get information from me about what I've already been doing (or even that I've been doing it for the last 4 months in his gym). He made several wrong assumptions underestimating me in some areas and way over estimating in others.

I have a pretty thin shell and lots of hot buttons around athletics and physical fitness. I've toughened up significantly in the last year or so, but something hit me in just the right way to start the water works during the session. Really there wasn't much left for me to do besides drop into survival mode check-out for the duration. If you have any idea what it's like to relive memories of your self crying in middle school gym class you'd understand. There are some injuries we just don't forget.

Will I go back to the gym tomorrow? Yes
Will I work with a trainer again? Probably $omeday

In the mean time Russell has agreed to help me brainstorm a few exercises to add in to my routine to help keep me challenged and moving forward. I'm really fortunate to have a mindful, self-educated, gym-rat for a boyfriend *grins*

Mixed Bag

2009-04-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

In this episode of Mixed Bag: summary of the first massage since surgery, SEAF hair idea pictures, and video of the act Kaylee and I surely would have mastered had we found a third to join us.

First Massage Since Surgery:
I went back to the massage therapist who got me limbered up before surgery. It was just simpler to work with someone I'd already broken in. (During the last massage he gave me, I was wearing Max's collar.)
This was more of an information gathering session than actual massage therapy, though to describe it, sounds more like a scene with Max in many ways. My therapist poked, prodded, twisted, bent and occasionally massaged just about every joint and major muscle group from my neck down. He was duly impressed by the flexibility I've maintained in my hips and shoulders, and more than a little stunned at the reality of fusing T-4 to L-3 without major post-surgical complications.
For the most part we both made it through the appointment unscathed and better informed about my body's reactions to stimulus.
I think we'll actually get some solid work done on my neck and shoulders next week.

SEAF Hair:
Courtesy of weddingchannel.com, here are the current candidates for SEAF Hair. Feedback is welcomed, though I make no promises to actually heed any of it.

Somewhere in my head, straightened sleek hair means grown-up and sophisticated. I don't do that very much in my day to day life.

This one is nice with all the carefully negotiated curls and still a smooth look, if a little softer than the one above.

I think this one has some appeal to me simply because it's so similar to my hair color and texture to start with. Also... Sexy Redhead Back!

I don't intend to stick flowers in my hair, but the complexity of hair sections appeals.

Please try to ignore the BAD BAD BAD make-up in this one. I like the idea of letting some of my hair loose in the back, but not enough to cover my scar. When I can't get past the make-up, this one just looks like a bad prom memory.

Now, the video: My mom (who reads this blog incidentally) sent this to me today. If only Kaylee and I had seen this before my surgery, I'm sure we could have recreated it on our own (okay, maybe not).

The artistry, the classic 40's harmony, the costumes, the... no really keep watching! (1:15 at least)

Why do we do it?

2009-04-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

As is often the case, shortly after leaving the lecture hall post panel discussion I thought of several things I wanted to add/say differently.

Someone asked the ever popular "What do bottoms get out of this?" question today. Someone else on the panel had already touched on the gift of being forced into letting someone else take care of you. I tried to address that same idea from a different angle by talking about the joy in being treasured/prized. It was an alright answer, but not really the core of what I get out of bottoming most of the time.

The biggest release I get out of bottoming is permission to let go of my self-control. I'm not just talking about letting someone else be in charge and worry about the details (though that is nice), I mean really knowing that I'm in a safe place where my only responsibility is to let go.

I admit, I'm a responsibility junkie and I have a fucking death-grip on self-control. I like to think that I manage these character traits alright through a fair amount of self-awareness. But really, that's just another layer of self-control. If' I'm going to really start peeling back the layers of control, I'd like to know there's a safe container to catch all those pieces of me that I believe will go flying away once I stop holding on.

Sometimes that container comes in the form of having someone "force" me into things. If my partner can demonstrate enough control of the situation to force things, then my mind feels safer letting go for a minute. Those are hot, edge-pushing scenes like Russell and I did so often when we first started dating. They include a lot of back and forth pushing and trying to puzzle around or out of the situation along the way to the release of control.

Other times though it's not about force. The container comes from boundaries and goals built over a longer period of connection through intimacy and vulnerability. It is about pleasing my partner by being as transparent and raw as possible in our interactions. It is about knowing that he will accept whatever comes of those interactions as a gift and trusting that he will help me put myself back together again before we part.

Public Engagements

2009-04-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

I just got home from speaking at a local university psychology class about being a kinky poly pervert (wearing my new favorite Pepper Potts suit just for fun). The class had good questions. A couple of people even dropped by afterward to ask for my blog address, so if you're stopping in from that class, hello and welcome. This may not be quite the content you're looking for, but follow some of the other blogs in my list at the bottom of the page for people who post more fun stuff.

In about three and a half hours I'll be leaving for another public appearance... at Norwescon. I'm not attending the con itself, but Tonya of fetishwear.net asked Kaylee and I to model a set of matching suits for the fashion show tonight. I'm a Norwescon virgin, so this should be an interesting new experience at least.

It wasn't so very long ago that I would have shied away from both of these opportunities. I thought I needed to stay "in the closet" to protect my career and social status. I did adjust my career a little to make more space in my life for these things. Russell brought something up in the presentation at the university though that reflects pretty clearly my new prospective on these things. Society as a whole just doesn't care all that much what I do with other consenting adults. It's that vocal minority that we all live in fear of. The best way I've found to deal with them is just to be myself, happy and harmless.

Staying in place.

2009-04-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

I had a nice walk to the clinic with Russell and then we sat down and waited...
Then Max showed up and we waited some more...
The majority of the staff was running around with that White Rabbit look in their eyes "I'm Late! I'm Late!"
We waited some more...
Jennifer, the amazing nurse of amazingness, eventually came out to lead us back to an exam room
Then she taped a light-weight metal ball to the lump in my back and sent me off for x-rays
I came back from the x-rays and Russell, Max, and I waited A LOT more...

Russell and Max must like me a whole awful lot, because neither of them is terribly comfortable staying in place for this long. We were all pretty tired and hungry by the time Dr. Williams made it to our room. So was Dr. Williams I imagine.

His first question was "Did I miss it?!" We have a mutual friend who spilled the beans about my SEAF entry and he was quite excited by this prospect. Clearly no segue was required to bring out the thank-you gifts. I presented the beautifully framed proof (thank you for all your help Robbie) and two pair of SEAF passes to a very delighted (if slightly harried at the end of his day) doctor and his nurse.

We didn't need to talk much about the x-rays or my progress because things are staying in place just exactly the way they should. The metal ball on my back confirmed that the hardware lump is the cross link and we can remove it easily enough, but it's probably best to wait until October or November. That creepy crunchy sensation people feel when I do my latest stupid human trick is a bursa that my body decided to grow over the hardwear to prevent wear and tear on the tissue around it. The human body is just freakin cool!

We discussed getting a masage therapy referral, but forgot to actually pass paperwork around at the end of the day. I'll call the office on Thursday and see about correcting that and make the next appointment for the beginning of July.

Oh! And!! I'll likely be cleared for Swing Dancing in 3 months! Yay! (yes all those exclamation points really are necessary)

Bondage Party

2009-04-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

The point of this post is "I had fun at a party last night!" There are a couple of vaguely related to my back things in here, but for those of you who prefer to skip the sexier posts, you should come back tomorrow night when I post about my 6-month check-up scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

After a full day of work, I wasn't sure I really wanted to go to the Bondage is the Point party last night. But, I had a fantastic toy to show off so temptation overcame my lazy butt. It just so happened that the toy also makes a fabulous dress so getting gussied up to go out was quick and easy.

Let me just say that the Bodyhose is worth every penny of the $75 Russell and I spent on it. I'm not kidding about it looking like a fabulous dress. When Max arrived at the party last night he asked if I'd brought the toy, having no idea that the garment I was wearing was the toy. He had a very sweet reaction to my demonstrating the dress's... erm... versatility.

But better than being a fantastically stretchy dress, it's also is a great excuse to get up-close and personal with highly-attractive, mostly-naked people. This is a major win. Seriously, "I can fit two people in here." has proved to be the best pick-up line I've ever used. On top of that, you and said highly-attractive, mostly-naked person then get to be the center of attention while you wiggle and explore the possibilities inside the hose. Extra win if you're an exhibitionist.

Bondage night was not just about squirming around in a giant spandex tube. I also learned an exciting new way to seriously disturb people with a stupid-human trick. Apparently, if someone puts his or her fingers over the place where my cross-link sticks out and then I flex my back muscles, it produces an extraordinarily unsettling sensation. I admit, I do enjoy being able to freak-out otherwise unflappable kinky folks with the mere twitch of a muscle. *insert mental image of me hopping and giggling gleefully at the disgusted reactions*

Alright, time for the Women's Welcoming Committee.

6 Months

2009-04-02T21:55:00.000-07:00

As of yesterday, it has been 6 months since Dr. Williams and company cut me open and put me back together again. It's remarkably hard for me to grasp this right now.

6 months?! Really?

Tonight's story actually goes back to just about a year ago.

I was kneeling in Max's dimly lit living room at the end of a delightful date trying to decide if it was time to tell him about my surgery planning process. We were certainly connected a year ago, but not so woven into each others' lives yet.

Sharing this would be crossing into much more intimate and explicitly long-term territory. It's one thing to bring chicken soup to a date who has a cold. It's entirely different to be invited into the preparation for major orthopedic surgery and long-term recovery processes. These are the kinds of reveals that put all that "I'll always be there for you" pillow talk to the test.

In reality there really wasn't a decision to be made so much as courage to be gathered. It's not like I was going to be able to keep this process outside of his awareness for very long. Even still, there's a difference between "I'm going to do this." and "Will you support me through this?" I was considering putting a lot out there on the line.

Then again, that's what we are about. I made a practice of offering him those fragile, vulnerable parts of myself from the beginning of this relationship. He accepted and used every bit of what I had to offer. This was just a slightly more sizable chunk.

So, with my head on his knee and his hand in my hair I screwed up the courage. I told him about my upcoming appointment and tried to present the situation in a way that allowed him to gracefully decline too much involvement without giving the impression that he was uninvited. Just as he had done every time before (and since), he accepted the invitation and held my vulnerabilities gently in the palm of his hand.

The books and bulletin boards I read when I started contemplating surgery all warned me of the impact it would have on relationships. There was this foreboding sense that some number of the people would fail and/or fall away when things got tough. I'm here to say that has not been my experience what so ever.

Not one single person turned away from me when I asked for help. In fact, I have the privilege of adding several people to my list of caring, supportive friends because of their willing involvement in my recovery process. Love has always been there for me, in whatever manifestation I needed it.

Bullet Round Update

2009-03-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

Kinkfest: Yes, I went to Kinkfest. Russell and I only stayed for Friday and Saturday, but it worked out nicely for us overall. Here are some of the highlights.

Quality drive time with Russell. We have some of our most productive idea sharing conversations on long drives like this.
Our room was much better than the rooms we've had the last two years. (Turns out we were directly above Max and his family)
Eating at Thai Noon. This is the most flavorful and friendly and nifty Thai restaurant I've ever been to. Russell and I were introduced to it during Kinkfest last year and it was definitely one of the big things we were looking forward to this year. Mango Sticky Rice!!!
Being Max's. Conferences can be treacherous waters for poly families, there are A LOT of moving parts to keep track of in a very small and sometimes intensely loaded space. Fortunately everyone in our respective families plays nice and genuinely wants things to work out for everyone else. I am quite grateful to all parties involved for the time I was able to share with Max at this year's conference.
Dangling above the ground from ropes for the first time since surgery. While the dangling portion of the scene was not the centerpiece of our scene in the dungeon, full suspension is a very notable recovery landmark. Max is a creative, talented man who had an intimate understanding of the risks and ways to minimize them. I'm not ready to let the rest of my friends with suspension bondage skills tie me up just yet.
Good sex with Russell.
Mo Williams' workshop on service. It seemed like this workshop was still in the development stages, but Mo is a fantastic story teller so that didn't really matter. It lacked detectable structure, but once I sat down to record the things worth remembering from the workshop I had a page full of notes and sound-bites.
Sharing a snack picnic with a friend who also needed to avoid the hotel food. I was both happy to get chatting time with her and delighted that Russell and my preplanning paid off for one of our friends.
Vendor fair purchase. Russell split the cost of one of these for me. Coming to a Grind near you sometime soon.
One low-light: The drive home was in some spectacularly crummy weather. There was even snow for part of it.

SEAF (ok, mostly costuming stuff):

I will be revealing the fact that the x-ray made it in to SEAF to my surgeon at the next appointment (about a week from now). I'm hoping to present smaller matted prints to him and his nurse as part of a thank you gift. I don't think they know about or read the blog, if they do I've just spoiled the surprise... oops
I picked up an adhesive backless bra at Nordstroms on Thursday, insuring that the dress will fit better.
Russell saw a test run of the dress and aproves.
My budget for this event grew a little recently. Now I'm hoping to take the whole day before the Artists' Reception off to indulge in pampering and primping.

Physical/Medical Stuff:

Lately I've been thinking "I could really go for a massage" but I'm not sure there are many massage therapists willing to work on someone with this much recently installed hardware. Most of the tightness is in my neck and shoulders though and that seems workable with a little information.
The trip to Kinkfest also marked the longest drive since surgery, but that didn't cause any problems for me at all. (Hooray!)
[edited to add] Oh, AND I made it to the gym the day after Kinkfest even though I had to work all day too. (last week's record wasn't so hot and I'm determined to get it moving back in the right direction)
Overall, I feel pretty darn healthy and strong.

Oops, I poisoned Russell

2009-03-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

Our tub was gross.

"Yeah right Red, you're a girl, what do you know about 'gross' bathrooms really?"

When I declare "Our tub was gross" I'm serious. There was a black ring around the white space where we stand to shower that blended off to a brown goo in all directions and up all four sides of the tub. I have wanted to soak in a warm fizzy tub for the last couple days, but could barely bring myself to stand in the shower long enough to wash my hair.

Let me put it to you this way: I am less than 6 months out from surgery, my back has been cranky the last couple days, and still getting down on my knees and leaning over the tub for an hour or so seemed like a completely reasonable measure to make my bathroom livable again.

So I traded out my PT exercise routine for a tub scrubbing this evening (complete with being mindful of keeping my core engaged and not twisting).

Just as I was finishing up, Russell appeared in the bathroom red-faced, runny nosed, and not entirely coherent. I was using a new eco-groovey, animal friendly, Seventh Generation Tub and Tile cleanser "Emerald Cypress & Fir" scent. Apparently, one of those earth-friendly botanicals has been identified by Russell's immune system as a terrorist and his body went in to serious allergic reaction mode.

The final score:

The tub looks much better (not pristine by any stretch of the imagination, but better)
I'm sore, but more like a good workout than bad choices
Russell is recovering slowly thanks to modern anti-histamine technology
I didn't get my soak tonight, but now the tub will be ready for me post-gym tomorrow.
The cleaner, while effective and freshly scented, has been banned under the biological warfare treaty of the apartment.

Icing helped

2009-03-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

(The cookie sundae also helped)
I'm now dealing with other obnoxious bodily functions (all of which fall into the category of TMI), but at least they distract from the what's left of yesterday's back soreness.

I'm heading to the gym in about an hour--more out of principle than any expectation of actually getting much of a work-out. I plan to be very gentle with myself. Lots of slow easy stretches, and I'm not going to fuss if my heart rate doesn't get up over 130 during my walk.

In Other News:
I have selected and purchased the gown for SEAF. It even meets the "White Tie" theme without looking silly on me. It's an ivory gown with ruched chiffon from the hips up (a very low back with chiffon straps that cross up high accented by a couple of removable rhinestone pieces) and a flowy stretch satin skirt that barely clears the floor when I'm wearing heels. Better yet, the $40 price tag means I have some budget left over for girly indulgences and a quality print and frame job.

Poly Anna Says:

2009-03-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I seriously tweaked my back by (get this) rolling over in bed.
Poly Anna Says: Well at least it happened last night in bed instead of in the middle of a scene where more could have gone wrong and more people would have felt bad about the consequences. And hey, now you have a reminder that Yes, you are still in the healing process and not done yet.

My back is still killing me today. As in, all the way through the work day.
Poly Anna Says: Really, if your back was going to have a bad day, Sunday is really the best day of the week for that to happen. No one else is around to see you spacing out or demand your immediate attention.

I Say: Screw Poly Anna, I'm going out for a cookie sundae at Broadway Grill. Then I'm coming home and icing my back to within an inch of hypothermia.

A rare post from work

2009-03-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

My back is killing me today.
bleck.

More later.

My favorite person of the moment:

2009-03-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

Allow me to introduce you to Clayton. He has generously posted the thematic variations of each evening of SEAF for our costuming coordination and pleasure as conceived by Crushed Velvet. I don't know if I'll have the stamina for all three nights, but the idea of that much costuming fun might just do the trick. (small complain-y note: WHITE?! really? Talk about your wear-it-once costume. I'll give it a shot, but if I don't find something truly spectacular and white, I'm not afraid to buck the system here)

Clayton also recently posted a call for a SEAF stage manager. In much the same way that I failed to honestly consider my physical condition while offering to help Russell with his Flogging workshop by stunt bottoming, I couldn't resist asking more about this stage management position. I've been itching to get back into performance tech since before the surgery. I would love to get on board with a production like this some time, but I don't think this is the year to give that a shot. Waiting stinks. (In good news he also posted later that they found someone who is likely to be a very good match!)

In other news, for those following along with the healing/recovery time-line and experiences:
I'm not posting much about this lately because it has really become much less apparent in my life. I'm past 80%, but certainly not 100%. With the support of my family, I make it to the gym and work out 3-4 times per week (which is 3-4 more times per week than I did a year ago). I continue to notice little improvements in strength and flexibility, while trying to stay cognizant of using good body mechanics and not over-working my back. In other words, just because I can bend or reach something at an odd angle doesn't mean I should.

What am I going to wear?!

2009-03-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

[NOTE: The trouble with electronic shopping and even more so with posting about it is that the things you really want to keep disappear. Several of the links don't work anymore because the dresses have been sold. Yay for the stores, sad for me.]

I had several other blog topics come up over the last couple days, but frankly electronic dress shopping is much more fun (right up until it drives one crazy).

So my question to you dear readers (all 15 of you) is "What shall I wear to SEAF?"
Here are my dream criteria:
Show off my back
Elegant/Classy styling
Complement at least some other feature of my body
Complement (or at least not hinder) my natural coloring
Looks good with and without Max's collar on my neck

And when I come back to earth I also add:
Less than $150
Wearable more than once

I have 8 tabs open in other windows with dresses of varying degrees of trashy, elegant, classy, and way too expensive. It is an erotic art show after all so a little trashy won't hurt, and honestly I'm more likely to wear some of the trashier ones to Grind at after a debut at SEAF.

I'm open to suggestions/links/feedback in the comments or by email if you feel so moved.

Here are my 8 current leading candidates after two nights of e-shopping:

Let's start off with my Ginger Rogers fetish. This one doesn't go quite low enough in the back, but I love the color and overall style. Chances of wearing it again: pretty low. Price range: um, it's an investment?
Next up we get a little slinkier but still quite formal. I'd be much more excited about this dress if it weren't for the necessary tie holding the shoulder straps together behind the neck. Chances of wearing it again: about the same as Ginger Rogers. Price range: who looks at price tags when they're browsing on line anyway?!
Here's another by the same designer. The back is beautiful on this one, but I'm not sure my small bust can pull off that neckline. Chances of wearing it again: see above. Price range: cheaper than the other one by this designer.
Alright I'll stop shopping at "Nordie's", but here's one last long gown. If I'm going to abandon Ginger Rogers, this is the way to go! Wow! I love the crossing and the cut on this one. I'd feel so grown-up in one of the dresses by this company. Truly, a sophisticated arteest. Chances of wearing it again: it's long, but I could pull it off at dressy house-parties I think. Price Range: It's E-Bay in the UK, I don't know where the price would actually end up.
Well, if long is the problem, then here's the same back design as the one above in a much shorter skirt. The biggest danger here is buying a Red based on my monitor's interpretation of the color. It looks like a workable shade right now, but lord only knows what it will look like once it makes it's way across an ocean and a continent. Chances of wearing it again: pretty damn good. Price Range: see above.
Another by the same company. It's a completely different feel to the style, but still classy and plenty exposed in the back. I really like it, but it's significantly more mature than I had originally planned on going. Chances of wearing it again: might be too warm for Grind. Price Range: see above.
And now we have a backlash against mature clothing! Shorten the skirt a little and suddenly a dress very similar to the one just above becomes serious trashy fun. Chances of wearing it again: if not Grind, then maybe Bondage is the Point. Folks at the Wetspot know how to appreciate a good trashy outfit. Price Range: still unclear but likely cheaper than any of the other E-Bay choices.
If we're going trashy, we simply must shop at the source of all the best trashy attempts at classy looks. That's right folks Victoria's Secret made the cut for a SEAF dress option. The pictures don't look too too trashy, but I'm guessing that's mostly a trick of the cameras. Also, there's that ugly string up at the neck again. Chances of wearing it again: if it looks good the first time it goes on, then I'm sure it would become a Grind staple. Price Range: it's so almost a reasonable price given my current income.

Yikes, it got late quickly!

Thanks Silver!

2009-03-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

marriedtothesea.com

I'm still not being a grown-up about the SEAF thing yet. It didn't help that last night SOMEBODY managed to skillfully crank up the petrified excitement yet another notch with the following question:
"What will you wear to the artist's reception?"

(It's hard to be resentful of the increased anxiety when I'm so in awe of the masterful execution. Just because he didn't install that button doesn't mean he won't take great joy in pushing it now and then.)

They Like Me! They Really Like Me!

2009-03-02T21:43:00.000-08:00

I found the following message in my in-box when I got home from the WWC meeting tonight:

Dear Red:
We are delighted to inform you that you have been selected to show in the 2009 Seattle Erotic Art Festival. Your work was one of 215 pieces chosen from 2,100 submissions we received from 530 artists in 38 states and 29 countries. Congratulations!

Squeeeee!!!!

I'm sure I'll have a more adult response to this later.

Robo-Red

2009-03-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting experience at work today.

While walking down the very quiet hallway (I'm one of 3 people in the building on Sundays), I heard a muffled metallic popping sound.

I checked my pockets for loose objects.

I re-traced my steps to see if there was something loose in the floor.

It seemed to happen randomly, but only when I was stepping forward on my left foot. The obvious conclusion was something in my shoe must be making the noise. But I couldn't see anything stuck to the sole of my shoe, and it didn't happen every time I stepped on that foot.

**Hyperactive Worry-Wort Brain ENGAGE!!**

The noise was not entirely inconsistent with something a loose piece of hardware might make. I couldn't feel anything in my back, but there are still significant portions of my back that are numb. Oh, and now that I'm thinking about it I do feel a little more tender in my lower left quadrant...

Clearly I needed to text people about this right away!

Russell, being the clever level-headed boy that he is, suggested I try walking around with my shoes off. I was having a perfectly beautiful freak-out and he interrupts it with logical problem solving. Boys!

I took my shoes off for as long as I could stand it (I am so not one of those freedom-for-feet kind of people) and the sound didn't happen again until I put the shoes back on. While not conclusive evidence, it still seems much more likely that my shoe is responsible for the noise and not my back.

Kaylee called me back later this evening to confirm that I was not in fact turning into "Robo-Red" (hence the post title).
Clearly not.
*cough*
Please comment on my post. You have 20 seconds to comply.

Of Breeding and Cookie Baking

2009-02-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

Relax friends and loved ones, I haven't fallen prey to the biological clock, but I do have some observations.

I work in a place that sometimes puts me in direct contact with crumb crunchers and their parents. I've been avoiding this part of my job since surgery, but today I felt strong enough to give it a shot again. (I was wrong) I found myself in a position that required I pick up a small munchkin to insure his safety. If my physical therapist is reading this she'll be happy to know I used all the good body-mechanics we discussed in the process. He was probably less than 25 pounds so not entirely out of my range of ability, but women tend to carry babies differently from laundry baskets. The maternal instincts that forced me to toss him on one hip did me in.

Which brings me to my suggestion for adult women considering this surgery. It's all about timing ladies! Either have the surgery once your children are old enough to understand why you can't pick them up (age 5 or 6), or have the surgery before breeding. Picking up babies 5 months post-op is really really really tempting and, in my first-hand experience, a very bad idea.

My job has also prompted a round of cookie baking tonight. We're having a kind of open house in our building tomorrow and everyone is bringing some kind of treat. My contribution will be Oatmeal Butterscotch and Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies (eta: the recipe link). This is the first time I've made these cookies in over two years. I used to refer to them as the cookies of death. However, since I'm hoping that I'll bake enough cookies to have a few left over for Skippy's memorial on Thursday, I'm hesitant to broadcast the nickname too loudly. Nickname or no, just the act of baking these cookies is comforting to my mixed-up emotions. I must be getting old, somebody died and I have a very strong urge to bake a casserole in a transportable container. (I don't even EAT casserole, much less know how to cook it)

PS. If say someone were to drop by before I go to work tomorrow, he or she might be able to snag a very fresh, very tasty (Russell approved) cookie. There's oatmeal in the cookies so they count as breakfast...right?!

First death in the family.

2009-02-21T01:05:00.000-08:00

Today I am faced with the first death of a member of my extended chosen family.

Skippy was one of those ever-present people in my community. While by no means an angel, he did a lot of good work and shared a caring supportive word with countless numbers of people who walked through the doors of our community center.

Even though we never played, we grew up in this community together. We got to watch one another's successes and mistakes and provide support no matter what. From quick playful words to surprisingly poignant conversations, from much-needed massages to temporarily taking over EC duty when I simply couldn't resist getting naked on the dance floor, I will treasure my memories of this mercurial man.

I'm still in shock, just 24 hours ago we were sharing hugs and discussing the transfer of surplus cold packs to soothe my surprisingly sore back.

To any of my family who may also be reading this and missing Skippy, perhaps you will find this post by a stranger helpful.

Last PT Appointment

2009-02-13T22:47:00.000-08:00

Today was the final Physical Therapy appointment (for now).

My therapist for the last month and a half was a delightful chatty open-minded woman. She kept asking questions even after noting my verbal traffic cones around certain subjects, so I have been fairly open with her. Our last appointment was just hours before Bang for the Buck, and she knew about my plans for that night. When I got there today, I even showed her the slide show (pausing the action before the last two slides for public decency's sake). Curiously, even knowing about my poly relationships and sex-positive club, the traffic cones she carefully avoided were the ones that may have led to discussion of kink. When I mentioned that the sore spot in my back today was likely from some athletic time in bed, she didn't ask for any more details.

Once we got back to the task at hand, she made note of significant increase in muscle and definition in my upper back. She joined me in celebrating my first successful attempt at putting sheets on a bed in over 4 months. She sent me home with several exercises that can be scaled up as I continue to get stronger. She also said it would be okay to start working on some of the weight machines at the gym.

With Max's continued support, I seem to be doing well with the exercises and increased activity. I'm pretty optimistic about where I'll be in a few months.

Feeling good post-gym

2009-02-09T22:19:00.000-08:00

I've made it to the gym 3 of the last 4 days. Tonight I'm feeling really good. Really really good. The muscles in my back feel strong and active, and the rest of my body is quite happy about the additional moving around. Even more than the physical, I'm feeling really good emotionally. I'm full of gratitude for the people at the forks in the road that brought me here today.

To Dale who has provided quiet reassurance and friendly, loving perspective for nearly 10 years of this journey
To Ernie who escorted me to my first play party and proved that not all the people one meets via the internet are psycho killers (even if they do suggest you meet them in a foreign country and attend a secret-ish event).
To Seawandrr and Opium who opened their home and hearts to me and introduced me to so very many wonderful things about the kink community--including many of the people mentioned below
To Bob whose love pulled me away from my cabin in the woods and into the big city permanently
To Cat Tailor whose love, wisdom, wit, and passion helped me through the toughest parts of my Saturn Return
To Maven whose love, patience, and honesty gave me the courage to change
To Russell whose gifts are far too many to list here
To Lauren who decided I was family
To Kaylee who became the exception to most of my rules
To Lorelie whose life has woven across mine some remarkable ways
To Max who saw and accepted my offering
To the friend of a friend whose short conversation with me gave me the confidence to quit poking around for second opinions and just do it
To all the health-care professionals I've worked with over the last year every one of whom respected my honesty and encouraged my active participation in my own health-care
To my employer who allows me to be honest about my way of life and provides kick-ass health benefits

It's hard to play the what-if game with one's history, but I'm quite certain that I'd be a very different person in a very different place were it not for each and every one of the people listed above. I look at this list and see many more people that I could fill in. My life is completely blessed by love and generosity. The people not listed here are no less important to the path I've wandered to get where I am today, I hope they know that too.

Slide Show

2009-02-06T20:02:00.000-08:00

The link you've all been waiting for:
Kaylee and Red's (un)Dress Rehearsal
If you must be warned that this isn't work safe you're really beyond help.

Life is really good for me right now.
Healthy body,
Happy family,
Room to grow and the means to do it.

Bang for the Buck Report

2009-02-01T23:23:00.000-08:00

Lorelie wrote up a nice over-all review of the night, so I'll lazily say "What she said" to my general impressions of the evening. And let me just say, my inseam was no where near as lucky as Lorelie's. I came home with one purple cock ring. Seriously?! What the hell am I supposed to do with that? (I have much too strong a sense of self-preservation to approach either of my penis-equipped partners with it.)

Kaylee and I were all business about getting ready from about 3:30 on. This makes for a very long evening.
I want to pause here to consider that Kaylee and I were only preparing for one 2-minute act in a much longer show and event. The organizers of Bang for the Buck are nothing short of goddesses for being able to set-up, run, and break-down this epic event while exuding fabulousness from every pore. I hope they were treated accordingly for the rest of this weekend.
We were costumed in time to do a run-through with our friend Travis to document our escapades. (someday he'll get me a disc with the pictures and I'll post them for you) Then quick out of those costumes and into our cover-costumes. I believe we only made 3 failed attempts for the door before we had everything we wanted with us. Lorilie already mentioned the epic traffic that would have made Kaylee and I late if it hadn't also affected everyone else. As it turned out, we were some of the first to arrive. Which meant we were also one of the first acts on the list.

Several nerve-wracking delays later, our song came on. And out we stepped in our perfectly ridiculous slutty engineer outfits. We had a blast, the audience had a blast and I got to show off my scar in a big way. Our fabulous MC, Miss Indigo Blue, kept referring to the many amazing "back stories" of the dancers on the stage without calling any out specifically. I'm not sure if she knew the whole of my back story or not.

It was great to see people I hadn't seen in a while and hear how impressed they were with my energy and mobility. It would not have happened that way without the support of my friends and family. I'm incredibly grateful for all the supportive words and energy I received along the way to that night. You all bless my life!

I owe y'all a Bang report.

2009-02-01T21:46:00.000-08:00

I also owe Max a PT report, and frankly he comes first.

Bang for the Buck Reminder

2009-01-30T09:53:00.000-08:00

LADIES: If you are anywhere within driving distance of the club tonight, get thee to The Bang! (Even if you're "not into girls" this party is an absolute blast. Think slumber party gone really really wild...with fewer PJ's and more silly dancing.)

Gentlemen and Out-of-State Voyeurs: Thanks to a very generous photographer friend, you will at least get a taste of the act Kaylee and I have planned. We will be doing a quick dress rehearsal before we head down there this evening, and he has graciously agreed to take a few pictures during the rehearsal. Poor guy, alone in a room with two spirited redheads obligated to watch closely as they take their clothes off repeatedly.

Kaylee's a Keeper

2009-01-21T21:45:00.000-08:00

My back is chronically sore for the first time in a while. That's not what this post is about.

This post is about Kaylee and her awesomeness.

She conspired with Max to surprise me with a full day of yumminess on Monday. As is my nature, I did not exactly make it easy for her. I'm often one of those people who can see surprises coming long before they're supposed to. If I don't see them coming I have an uncanny ability to create scenarios in which the person is forced to reveal the surprise before they want to.

When I woke up, I thought my Monday was going to be a slow morning followed by noon brunch and girly stuff with Kaylee and concluded by a dinner with Max. I wanted to be able to squeeze in some gym time between the two dates, so I called Kaylee to see if we could move brunch up a little earlier and possibly eat in to save money. She seemed a little resistant to a change in plans, probably because she wasn't as awake as I was, and this didn't seem like the kind of thing worth pushing.

When she got to my place to pick me up, we did our usual doddling and pestering of Russell before leaving. Then as I was getting in the car Max appeared out of nowhere! At first I assumed this was a conicidence. I figured he parked near my place to go to one of the meetings he had planned for the day. THEN he got in the car with us.

The three of us had a very nice mellow day together. Kaylee and I ate silly quantities of sweet breakfast foods at brunch. We walked through a lake-side neighborhood. Then we headed back to Max's place and spent some nice quiet time in front of a fire enjoying each other's company. A truly delightful surprise.

In addition to being unbelievably cute, Kaylee is also the sweetest most loving girl I know. The joy she takes in seeing her loved ones happy is truly compelling. She's a bundle of creative energy that expresses itself in a myriad of sparkly ways. She's also extremely smart and highly capable. Kaylee's a keeper.

Landmarks

2009-01-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

Landmarks of recovery just keep racing up on me lately.

Bondage-focused scene with Max: Check
Working a 40-hour week: Check
Scrubbing the tub so I could take a girlie bath: Check
Passing muscle tests at physical therapy: Check
Submitting "Art" to SEAF: Check
Dancing at Bang for the Buck! (even though it's coming up a month earlier than I'd expected): Obviously I can't check this off quite yet, but I'm pretty confident in my ability to drop my drawers in less than two minutes without falling on my butt or otherwise hurting myself. This is a really big one for me folks. I pinned this goal to my wall very shortly after deciding to have this surgery. It was so much fun last year I started planning for it with Kaylee the morning after the event. I think the only thing that having a month less time to prepare physically will affect is my footwear. I'm just not ready for the risks of 6" spike heels yet. Fortunately, we have this covered.

The 80/20 Rule

2009-01-13T00:30:00.000-08:00

In my favorite class from grad-school ever ("Non-profit Management" of all things), I was introduced to the 80/20 rule. Essentially, when one embarks on a sizable task a vast majority (say 80%) of the progress is made during the initial piece (say 20%) of time and energy invested. This was used in the context of starting up non-profits and exercising. Part of the point of the discussion was to evaluate whether 80% was enough to meet the needs of the initial project thus freeing up a significant chunk of time and energy for other projects. It's hard for perfectionist, control-freaks like myself to grasp, but sometimes "good enough" is really truly "good enough" Other times though that 20% of change and improvement has a big enough over-all impact to merit the 80% energy investment.

At three months after surgery I feel like I'm 80% percent back. I can work full days, I can shake-it at Grind, and now Max can safely tie me up again. Basically, all systems are go.
So what might I spend the next 80% of my time and energy working to accomplish?
Growing a back bone (literally), regaining muscle, training my body to be flexible in different ways, increasing stamina, and other boring, slow-changing stuff. Also safely supporting my body while in full suspensions, picking on Kaylee until she wears out before me, wrestling with Russell, and swing dancing. Those are all things that fell solidly into the "not sure if I'll get them back" category when I started this journey, but I think well worth the effort.

And honestly, if I can get into this (NSFW) position just three months after being barely able to walk down the hallway, I don't see any reason not to keep going forward.

The Three-Month Check-up

2009-01-07T21:32:00.000-08:00

When your surgeons are so proud of themselves they want to bring in other members of the practice to show you off during your appointment, it's a pretty good sign things are going well.

We established that the thing poking prominently out of my back is probably a cross-link, (one of two pieces that attach my two longer rods together to keep them from tipping to the side). Since I'm young enough and strong enough, I probably only need one cross-link to stabilize the fusion. Dr. Williams gave me the option of going in and removing it right away. He estimated it would be a 1-hour surgery with one night stay in the hospital. Much less traumatic than the original surgery. However, the original surgery is still very fresh in my memory. So long as it's only a cosmetic nuisance, I'm quite happy to leave it in until I'm at least a year out from surgery.

My nerve explosions/phantom piercings were a mystery to the doctors. Not a concerning mystery, just one of those things that doesn't have an exact cause and will probably go away with time. Since my mom (who had scoliosis surgery 44 years ago) has been living with them alright for as long as I can remember, I'm not too concerned.

I also got permission to return to work full-time, so today was my first full day of work since the end of September. This is the calm-before-the-storm season for my job so working full-time isn't really necessary. The good news is, I can stop sucking the paid leave resources dry and I'm not overwhelmed with high-impact duties. The less good news is I'm at a loss for what to do during the extra couple hours.

Nerve Explosions!

2009-01-04T23:31:00.000-08:00

There's something about the way nerves grow back or die off completely that I don't fully understand. It results in sudden, sharp, tingling sensations that my mom calls nerve explosions. In mixed or vanilla circles that seems like a pretty apt description to me.

Given my more recent experiences, I'm inclined to describe them to members of the kink community as phantom piercings.

Imagine if you will my kinky friends, someone sneaks up behind you and pops a needle in your back--no warning, no warm-up, just wham-o. Sometimes this imaginary sadist just pops it in and leaves it alone, the sensation fades pretty quickly and you can pretend like nothing happened. Other times though the person decides to twist it and push on it for a minute or two requiring that you explain to the rest of the room why you're making that particular face and breathing funny. It would be much more entertaining if everyone else could see the glee on imaginary sadist's face too.

For some people this is just a passing phase of the recovery, for others it's a constant annoyance that never goes away. I'm not sure which way things will turn out for me, but right now they seem to be increasing in both frequency and intensity. What fun!

Tid-bit update

2008-12-27T22:30:00.000-08:00

I did get to the gym on the 24th. I walked too hard and wound up sore, but I got moving. It was good. I suspect I won't be back again until Monday. Oh well.

I have both PT and Surgeon's appointments on Tuesday. I'll let you all know how that goes.

While chatting with Russell about a workshop he's planning, I realized how easy it is to forget having had surgery. Unless one forgets completely about just having had surgery, offering to be a stunt-bottom/co-teacher for a flogging workshop in February doesn't make much sense. Oops.

Up till the last couple weeks, I haven't felt too much financial burden from this surgery. I work at an awesome institution that provides really good health-care benefits (I haven't had to pay a dime out of pocket since surgery). I also had been working there long enough to accrue enough sick and vacation time to cover the vast majority of the time I was out. However, with the icy roads and sidewalks keeping me home, I'm finally running up on the point when surgery causes money to be tight. Oh well, this is what I created a savings account for.

Being Housebound Again

2008-12-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

Alright, That's It! I give up!

The snow is falling again. When this all started, I was willing to be patient. I was promised things would clear up and warm up this week. I'm looking out my window right now and it's neither clear nor warm out there.

If you live in Seattle, or read the blogs of other people who do, you're probably quite tired of reading about how irritated we are with the snow. I tried, I really truly tried to not blog about this. I considered only blogging on my personal journal, but the key to this post is actually scoliosis related.

I already did my shift of being housebound this year. I shouldn't have to do it again. In some ways this shift is worse than that one was.

After surgery people would come visit me, I had a fair amount of drug-induced sleep, but most importantly I could get out and WALK. Oh sure, I'm physically capable of going for a walk. The problem is high risk of falling down in bad ways with bad consequences. Even not falling down has its problems because those little body movements you do when you start to slip all involve fast, strong response from your core muscles.

How do I know this? Because I have tried to get out and walk. I live in a walking neighborhood. I'm a couple blocks from a bunch of restaurants and stores. Even though I haven't fallen, each time I've been out (Russell at my side in case of falls), I came back with a sore back from some stupid slip.

I'm thinking I may put on my new stompy boots (and some more clothing) and ask Russell to walk me to the closest gym so I can sign up for a membership. If I don't get some moving around soon it could be disastrous!

Thanks Lorelei

2008-12-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

For my birthday, Lorelei gave me what is quite possibly the niftiest second-hand present ever. (link not work safe)

The boots, people, the boots! These are my very first pair of stompy boots ever. Hooray for gifted leather! Max took pictures of me wearing them for the first time, but I don't have those in my possession quite yet. I didn't think y'all'd mind a substitute picture for the time being.

They were a fairly gently worn second-hand store find that didn't quite fit her. To show my gratitude and affection, I promptly smothered them in Pecard Leather Dressing when I got them home. I may not have ever owned a pair of stompy boots, but between Russell and Max, I've had my fair share of boot care training.

I can't wait to wear them to the next Grind.

Perhaps you are saying "But what on earth does this have to do with scoliosis surgery?" (though more likely you stopped reading up at the second link) You've read mention of the difficulties of reaching one's feet after surgery already. Now visualize trying to lace up 20-hole Doc's with this same complication. And say, you did not have the foresight of Cadence to take all your clothing off before putting the nifty new stompy boots on. I had Lorelei's help for getting in, but then I needed Max's help to get back out. Max, with whom there is no ambiguity about our power dynamic what-so-ever, managed to find a very dominant method of unlacing those boots. Though I believe describing it may breach some kind of trade-secret agreement so I'll just have to leave that to your imaginations.

Edit: Here are my legs in my very first pair of stompy boots for the very first time.

Detail oriented people will note these are not precisely the same style as the ones you see on Cadence. The working theory is that this has to do with the "Made in England" seal on the bottom of my boots as opposed to most Doc's sold in the US which are now made in China.

Things to love about Russell

2008-12-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

There are several posts here about my connection to Max. That's in large part due to the novelty of the dynamic. It's not the kind of partnership everyone has and this is a blog about being kinky and dealing with surgery/recovery stuff. However, this is also a blog about being poly, and I want to be sure that my other partnerships don't get lost in the shuffle. So today I bring you:

"Things to Love About Russell"

You all did notice the bunch of posts he made while I was in surgery right? He took the time and energy to let the unknown number of readers of my blog know how things were progressing. How awesome is that?
I love Russell like I love electricity. He makes so so so many things in my life simpler and happier. From hauling heavy laundry baskets to making tasty snacks, he's around and helpful almost all the time. I could possibly survive without him, but not for more than a day or two.
Russell puts up with my whims. For example, right about the beginning of November I declared that I was going to have a Christmas tree this year no matter what. We both knew at the time that "no matter what" really meant "because I'll have your help to make it happen." He's not a big holiday person and the whole disruption of his nest for temporary decoration is not a trivial inconvenience for him. I don't know all the reasons he decided to put up with this, but I know the big one is he loves me.
Russell is fun and easy to be with. We know each other. We can usually tell when it's time to poke and play and when it's just time to sit quietly together. We're pretty good at both things, but especially the sitting quietly together.
Russell appreciates the things I add to his life too and he's really good about telling me.

This is certainly not an exhaustive list of things to love about Russell, but it's a nice broad base from which to begin.

Why is this working?

2008-12-16T21:07:00.000-08:00

I’ve been quite good about the PT since Max agreed to help out. If you’re one of my scoliosis readers who doesn’t care so much about kink reflections come back later. This is all about me trying to figure out why the things in my brain that were getting in my way at first got out of the way when Max came on board.

The simple answer is “Because he asked me to.” but why does that work? What is this flavor of power I’ve given to him that makes it possible for me to follow directions in a way I never really have before? A more romanticized answer might be “Deep down I trust he always asks me to do the hard work but it’s always something I’m quite capable of doing.” Frankly, it’s not my inner romantic asking these questions. My self-possessed skeptic wants some answers.

Why didn’t I just do the exercises because the man I paid to design them for me told me to do them? I mean really; a confident, arguably sadistic, attractive, older man with professional interest in my growth and development gave me an assignment. What’s not to love about that? I think I simultaneously had too much and too little invested. Too much in that I wanted to impress him, and too little in that I didn't know whether it was going to do much good. I couldn’t find the happy just-do-it middle ground.

Why didn’t it work when I asked it of myself? My over-developed sense of responsibility and fear of failure got into direct conflict with my self-awareness. I have to do this because it's the responsible healthy thing to do, but if I do it wrong "something bad" will happen, and if I learned anything in my nearly 20 years in the education system it's that I'm no good at doing homework. There was no “one day at a time” in my head. I knew this kind of self-talk was a death-spiral, but there wasn’t anything I could do to talk myself out of it on my own.

Would someone else in my support circle have worked just as well? I don’t really think so. Living with Russell makes things like one-way accountability a little too messy, it's just not our style. For just about everyone else in my circle, there’s too much push-pull. My friends and family make a good cheer squad, but it’s not in their job description to give me directions and expect them to be followed. If I think for a moment that I can do less work/avoid the work all together without some kind of follow through on their part, I’m pretty likely do just that.

I don't feel that push-pull with Max. When he says, “Take care of yourself and don't get sick. And drop me a note after you do your PT tonight.” I know he doesn’t mean, “Drop me a line if you get around to doing PT tonight.” Nor does he mean, “Send me a list of reasons why you didn’t do your PT.” However, there’s also no implied reward or consequence in his original statement. That is perhaps the key and the most difficult part to dissect or explain to people outside my head.

My college acting class days come back to me as I ask myself “What’s my motivation?” To be good? To be pleasing? To merit praise? A little bit of “Good girl” or “I’m proud of you” certainly goes a very long way. But that still doesn’t quite feel like the reason. I do it because I get so much joy and fulfillment out of the dynamic Max and I have and following his directions however big or small reinforces that dynamic.

Suddenly, doing PT isn’t about paying in to a bank to insure future happiness. The simple act of choosing to do the PT actual creates happiness right there. I follow Max’s directions and get to feel a little more in service to him right in that moment. We aren’t in each other’s presence as often as we'd like so every time I get to serve him, whether he’s with me or not, feels like a little luxury to me.

Coming back to “Why does serving Max work better than any other approach at getting me to change my habits around doing daily PT?” I think the answer is that serving Max is an instant positive reinforcement. Every elementary-school teacher knows the faster and more frequent the positive reinforcement, the easier it is to change the behavior. Honestly, who needs cookies or stickers when you can start your day with a little service headspace? (Not that I’ll turn away cookies or stickers in addition to service headspace mind you *winks*)

Did it!

2008-12-12T19:43:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night I posted about going to PT and the ridiculous gymnastics my brain did essentially avoiding the homework I'd been assigned.

Wednesday morning, they didn't happen either.
Wednesday night I was still afraid of the damn things and now they were safely buried under a pile of other things. On the plus side, I did get a bunch of other housework done in the process of running away from the exercises. Frustrated with myself, I finally asked Max for help. (Thanks Autumn for the reminder that I could do that)

Thursday morning I continued to avoid them in the name of "getting ready for work."
Thursday evening I dodged them again in the name of "getting ready for Grind." (Grind was nice by the way. I had a couple people I'd never met before come up and talk to me about the x-rays I posted. I danced a fair bit. I got some extra encouraging PT words from a very attractive friend. I snuggled with Russell and groped Kaylee a little.)
After Grind though I was very aware that some part of my brain was still keeping score of the PT avoidance and making sure I knew what a bad person I was. Fortunately Kaylee snuggles are extra good medicine for that kind of thing.

This morning I had other pleasant distractions and valid reasons to keep avoiding the exercises before work.
This evening Max sent me an email that was mostly about something else but with a little direct sentence about dropping him a line when I finished my PT.
Ding! All of a sudden I was willing to push away most of the other reasons not to start.

I didn't jump up and do them right away after finishing my typical come-home routine. There was a good 30 minutes of futzing and prepping and rearranging and... Eventually, I was alone in my bedroom with the door closed so no one could see my mistakes. And then... I started. By the time I was doing the last couple exercises I wasn't fighting myself so hard. I was just doing it. The trick now is to not think about whether I'll do them tomorrow. Tonight I just want to announce: I FINALLY did it! I deserve a cookie! (Conveniently, there was a bake sale at work today so I've already had my cookie fix)

PT Learning Curve

2008-12-09T20:47:00.000-08:00

I had the first physical therapy appointment today and boy do I feel incompetent. Once again, yes I realize my feelings have no basis in reality, but there they are anyway.

Getting to the office and parking was extra fun due to construction in the area, but fortunately I had those annoying "first-time visit" forms filled out ahead of time. I was properly chastised for not becoming completely familiar with my insurance policy's coverage of physical therapy and then introduced to Mark the PT. We chatted for a bit and then he tested my "multifidus" which failed completely. I was prepared for weak, but this was completely non-responsive. We went over a few exercises to hopefully wake this little muscle back up. Then he had me on my side and started poking...nay prodding at my spine all along the fusion! The desire to reach back and clobber him was strong, but I'm a good little bottom so I just let him know it hurt and then tried to breath through it. The multifidus was not actually on the list of things Dr. Williams wrote on the perscription, so we weren't done when he'd finished the sadistic portion of our session. He gave me a couple more exercises for my upper back. I left with a pile of papers and just about zero confidence in my ability to accomplish any of it.

I have a whopping total of 6 exercises that will probably take less than 15 minutes a day to complete. Short of daily walks during recovery period, I cannot think of a single time when I successfully maintained a daily exercise schedule. This is a really big change in habit I'm asking of myself right now and today I feel like I'm not going to be able to do it.

Do I know anyone who does a daily routine? How did you start? How do you keep going?

Feeling a little screwed

2008-12-03T16:27:00.000-08:00

I had my second post-op appointment yesterday. In which I got to point out a discovery I made Sunday night: one of the screws can be easily felt through the skin on my back. I've now been prescribed physical therapy to build up the muscles in my upper back hoping that we can hide it. The other option is to open me up again and take the screw out. Hard work resulting in strong shoulders and a pretty back or more surgery resulting in more time out of work and another scar...hmmm let me think about that for a minute. Honestly, I've never had strong shoulders, disturbingly flexible yes, but strong no. Historically I've been more than a little lazy when it comes to exercise for body maintenance. Part of what I wanted to get out of this surgery journey was a little more dedication to actively taking care of my body. Time to start learning some new habits.

Shortly after the appointment my period started complete with debilitating cramps. I can't take anti-inflammatories because they'll slow the fusion. I only made it an hour and a half at work and quite possibly should not have driven myself home. When I got home to the only pain pills I can take, I took the maximum dose. I felt fine (if a little worn out) for about an hour, then slept for a couple more hours, then woke up and vomited my way through the rest of the night. I've been spending today coddling my cramps with non-chemical remedies and trying to properly apologize to my liver for yesterday's sin. I hope I can work longer days the rest of this week otherwise I'm going to need a lot more help from my coworkers than I thought.

Dry spell is over!

2008-11-30T00:47:00.000-08:00

On Thanksgiving, I worked and danced at Grind after spending all day cooking and enjoying the company of Russell, Kaylee and her husband. Then the next night, I had the first play-focused overnight date with Max in two months. I can confidently say I feel my life coming back in some of the most important ways. I have a mental image of a big wet thunderstorm washing over a dry and dusty town. I can almost smell it. (inside note: I'd go out and play in it more if I didn't hate getting water in my face so much *grins*)

That's not to say that my body is no longer full of frustrating quirks--things like I can dance off and on for hours but can't comfortably sit on my couch without the risers, or I can play to remarkably intense levels but can't easily change position in bed.

Still getting better.

2008-11-26T18:06:00.000-08:00

I put in a 6-hour day at work today and really wasn't tired or sore at the end of it.

Also, I got a full night's sleep that resulted in me waking up before 9 AM this morning.

The sleepful night may have been a result of the impromptu fun that kept me awake much too long on Monday night. Note the complete lack of regret in that statement please :)

I think I'll sleep and feel better more consistently if I start getting more exercise. The plan was to start water aerobics at the fancy gym a mile or so from work where I currently have a suspended membership. Trouble is it's really dark even when I leave work at 4PM right now, and I don't like getting wet, and I don't like wearing a bathing suit, and I don't know how the group of older heavy women would really feel about young little me dropping in on their class. I've avoided the gym all together because of this. The current plan is to drop the fancy gym membership and join the chain-gym that is 3 blocks from my house... still waiting on the follow-through for that.

Stop Comparing

2008-11-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

Comparing has been a source of lots of unproductive self-talk lately. This blog entry serves mostly as a note to myself.

Dear Red,
Stop comparing your stamina, your looks, your emotions, your bank account, your persistence, your resilience, your social status, your athletic ability, your entertainment preferences, your sense of responsibility, your healing capacity, your. . . ANYTHING to that of others around you. 95% of the time it just makes you miserable and the truth is they are having completely different life experiences and challenges. Stop comparing also applies to your previous existence. Not only were you having a different experience of life 3, 5, 10 years ago, you don't even remember things the way they actually were. (Here's a little secret: Nobody's actually keeping score. There will be no ranking posted at the end of the world. You will never find a list with your name on it saying "Red completed life with a rank of 127,638,461 in her class of 500,000,000 people." SO QUIT WORRYING ABOUT IT!)

Give yourself the freedom to be in awe of people around you and even yourself, to praise without needing to reduce anything in comparison. Let's start here: You are more than enough. Strong enough, disciplined enough, rich enough, busy enough, healthy enough, pretty enough, thoughtful enough, loving enough, GOOD enough.
Sincerely,
Me

Dear Me,
That's a hell of a lot easier to type than it is to believe, but thanks for the sentiment.
You Truly,
Red

I fell down today

2008-11-18T19:17:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I've been waiting for this to happen pretty much since I started walking around on my own. I'm not a total klutz, but I do have wobbly ankles and, like most people, sometimes I'm not exactly paying attention to the ground under my feet.

After leaving the grocery store on my way home from work today, I caught a lump in the road just wrong and down I went. I'm betting I'm not the first nor the last person to wipe out in that particular unmarked spot. I landed on my knees not directly on my but and I wasn't going all that fast so I don't think there will be any lasting damage or major setbacks. I did however manage to spread my groceries in an even 4' diameter in front of me. Thankfully, I live in a city full of nice people. Someone held parking lot traffic while someone else helped gather my stuff and made sure I could get up alright. I was not shy about explaining why an otherwise healthy looking woman was just sitting there looking a little puzzled and stunned rather than getting up and trying to salvage her dignity. "I just had spine surgery and I don't want to mess anything up."

I drove home okay (though checking my turns and corners was a little more difficult than usual). When I got home Russell helped me get settled and fetched the groceries from the car. I've been laying on my back since then waiting to see how things shake out. All-in-all if it had to happen, this wasn't such a bad way for it to go.

SteamPunk Night

2008-11-18T18:37:00.000-08:00

On Saturday, the Wetspot (centerforsexpositiveculture) hosted a spectacular steampunk-themed pansexual play party. (Here's a link to a NY Times article for those who have little or no background in this little subculture) Once I committed to going, I finally had something to entertain my brain while I waited to go back to work: "OMG What ever will I wear?!"

I tapped back into my amateur costume design days from college theater. First I spent hours and hours on research and generally soaking up images from the genre. Then I produced about 5 sketches of possible costumes built mostly out of things I already owned. Then it was time to scour the city for the missing costume pieces, always keeping an eye open for previously unexplored possibilities. It wasn't until the morning before the party while standing in the table linen department of Goodwill that I knew for certain which costume I was going to wear.

Words cannot do justice to the costume in its completed state, but I failed to take any pictures so you'll just have to deal: A floor-length black satin skirt with a crimson brocade "bustle" below a black satin waist cincher and low-cut crimson cap-sleeve top underneath a black velvet and satin waist-jacket all topped off with a sparkly black top-hat with crimson ribbon trim. Twist the hair up carefully and apply some dramatic make-up (the only kind I know how to put on) and voila one high-class steampunk lady just waiting for an urchin to pick on. Kaylee and her costume were more than happy to oblige said lady.

I'm sure there's more to steampunk than playing dress up, but really that's all Kaylee and I needed to get out of it. Exhibitionist that we are, Kaylee and I just couldn't resist the temptation of a lively audience so I topped again for the first time that night. Things went marvelously well though a few days later my legs did have something to say to me about the amount of up and down I did that night. When you're not bending above the waist (surgery + waist cincher = NO bending), it's possible to look extremely prim and propper while paddling your girlfriend's breasts and butt. I'm sure this is a trick all the pros already know, but I thought I'd pass it on for the rest of you.

Back to Work Report

2008-11-12T19:03:00.000-08:00

Oh Em Gee my back really really hurts. I'm going to try resting for a little bit, but I'm not above finding my pain-med bottle again if this doesn't feel better soon.

So, besides the post-work back pain, how was it?
I got up later than I'd planned and with a tweak in my back. I seriously considered not going in today at all. Then I woke up a little more and just let things move at their own pace. By 12:30 I was ready to go give this whole office job thing a shot.

I wandered into my office where my office mate was fully embroiled in a writing project. We exchanged happy returns noises, but there wasn't the "Squeee! I'm so glad you're back!" reaction I was expecting. It wasn't a big deal as I know she loves me and there were plenty of people checking in and looking for tales. I didn't get much actual work done. I don't think anyone expected me to get much done today though. Most of the "work" I did today was simply remembering what my job is. I'm looking forward to actually accomplishing something tomorrow.

Tangent about sitting at the desk: Getting my chair adjusted was quite the little comedy. My boss has been using my workstation and she's considerably shorter than me. There were several aborted attempts to sit and/or adjust the chair. It requires a silly amount of core muscles to adjust an office chair. One of the reasons I know my office mate still loves me is she was quite gracious about helping with the chair.

I brought print-outs of the most recent x-rays to work with me and did a bunch of show and tell. More than once people asked "Were you wearing a necklace?" when they looked at the profile x-ray. This is where the long-held kinky tradition of smile and nod came in to play. It's not that I think there would be a problem if I explained more about the collar (my whole department knows I'm poly), I just knew that wasn't the conversation they were looking for.

Physically, I could have done better, but it could have been much worse too. After an hour and a half of sitting at my desk, I needed a walk. Even after the walk though, my back still wasn't happy about going back to the chair for long. I have to admit I'm a little surprised I was so exhausted after only three and a half hours at work. The pain when I got home was a lot more than I expected too. I'll be calling the Dr's office to have them revise the back-to-work authorization for fewer hours per week until the end of the month.

Now that I've had a rest (took a dinner break in the middle of typing this post), I can safely say I'm happy to get back to work. It's nice to have a little more routine and a few more people to talk to in a day.

Go Read Autumn's Blog

2008-11-11T00:21:00.000-08:00

I start back at work part-time in two days (technically tomorrow, but I intend to sleep twice between now and then).

My most recent days have been filled with the pursuit of a glorious steampunk costume.

I'll write more about all that later. Right now, go read Autumn's blog.

Making it through the scary parts

2008-11-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

A couple days ago, Russell and I ran into one of the challenges I've been dreading for a long time. I think I described it best back in May when I wrote about porn that made me cry. In a pair of sentences, the author managed to sum up the thing I was so blessedly afraid of having to say after surgery:

"I need you to stop fucking me like I'm dying, I'm not dying. But every time you touch me soft, every time you ask if I'm okay, another little piece of me falls off."

After a month of being barely touched and constantly tip-toed around I was going crazy (the PMS wasn't helping matters either). I was beginning to wonder if our relationship had shifted permanently when I wasn't looking. This led to a conversation much more grown-up and less dramatic than the one depicted in the story. We identified the biggest problem: He couldn't touch me much because he didn't know how to do it safely, and I couldn't tell him how to do it safely, because I wouldn't know until we tried. So, carefully, slowly, and with a lot of courage and respect for each other we started to explore the safer limits of what we could do together.

We've got a ways to go in rebuilding our confidence, but I'm glad we finally got to this point. It turns out, I was right. There really was no way around it, no way to avoid it. But I was also right in believing that, no matter what, we'd make it through together.

Hooray for OUT!

2008-11-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm heading to bed quickly, but I just wanted to say: Hooray!!! I got outside my 6-block radius all on my own.

I went to the Bondage is the Point party for a couple hours tonight. Hello to all of you I saw tonight and thank you so much the encouraging "OMG! You're doing so well!" remarks. It's really what I needed to keep to feeling like I'm moving forward. This was the right low-key party to start my gradual return to the Wetspot. No bondage for me tonight, but I wore an outfit that let me show off my scar and brought print-outs of my most recent x-rays for show and tell. The people, the tasty treats, they eye-candy, the careful hugs, but most of all the SMILES were just fantastic!

Mind you I was out of the house a full 3.5 hours and now I'm wiped, medicated, and ready for bed. Still, I'm definitely marking this up to a success. There was a lot of up and down out of couches, and standing around talking, and crouching to get water--not to mention the joys of driving.

Things to know _before_ surgery:

2008-11-01T17:19:00.000-07:00

So here I am, precisely one month after surgery and I have a few more things I wish I'd known or thought of before surgery.

Cut your toenails really really short as close to surgery day as possible. Your toes are a looooooonnnnnngggg way away from your hands. I finally managed to get to mine today, but not without some large amount of effort that almost required a nap afterward. I suppose you could schedule a pedicure (I did consider this a couple weeks ago) but you're still dealing with getting out and hoping you can sit in the chair comfortably for the duration.
Cars don't like sitting in a garage for a month completely untouched. I took Ziggy (yes, my car has a name and gender now shut-up) out for the first time this afternoon and boy did she sound rough for the first 10 minutes or so. If I'd thought more about it, I would have asked a friend to drive Ziggy around for a day or two a couple weeks ago. It's good to remember too that all the mirrors will need adjusting, cause you sit taller now. Also, backing out of the garage was a treat. I didn't realize how much subtle twisting I did for that every day.
Orgasms will probably change shape and flavor. This is in part a sex blog so I'm happy announce that I had my first orgasm since surgery last night. Don't panic, my orgasm-prone pre-surgery readers. Your mileage will probably vary. Despite being pretty in-touch with my sexuality, my orgasms were tough to come by even before surgery. However, since surgery I've been slowly learning how to wind up into arousal without arching and tensing my back. It's a delicate line to walk between being in controll and aware enough to not break something and still being able to release and enjoy the ride. However it's a dangerous thing to start eroticising a pain designed to tell you to knock it the hell off before you break something.

Skeleton Pictures!

2008-10-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!

I had my first post-op office visit today and that means I came home with nifty skeleton pictures to share. The office visit went well and everyone was pleased with how things are turning out. The nurse removed the tape covering the incision (yay for nurses who understand about approaching a sensitive back and picking at it) and while I haven't looked at it yet, it sounds like it's healing well and the scar is going to be pretty inconspicuous. With the new x-ray, Dr. Williams thinks they may have corrected the curve even more than he thought when they discharged me. I also have authorization to drive and wear my waist-cincher. Look out world!!

I'm using the holiday as a reason not to put these behind a cut.
First we have the before/after you've all been waiting for:

And in profile:

Yes, those are some very large screws in my back. In fact, here's a large up-close picture of my hardware:

And one last larger shot of my back now:

[edited to add: You should be able to see larger versions of the pictures if you click on them (I spent 2 hours screwing with it and when I finally gave up, it worked... ah life) Also, yes, that is Max's collar in the profile x-ray. It's missing from the facing x-ray because I had to pull it up over my face and suspend it on my ample ears to keep it out of the way.]

...One Step Back

2008-10-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

I've been making lots and lots of forward motion the last week or so. It was time for me to have a small step back. That doesn't make it any easier.

The forward progress has been great. I'm down to one or two pain pills per day (compared to 8-10 when I first got home). I'm pretty darn mobile and surprisingly self-sufficient when I need to be. I still ask for help on things to save my stamina, but if I had to stay home alone for 24 hours, I think I could do it. I've been able to reclaim a few more of the playful and intimate things I like to do with my partners (no orgasms for me yet, but that's a different post). I'm even hoping to take a field-trip to a corn maze with Russell and Kaylee (who've never been to one) on Friday.

Tuesday I was feeling like I'd gotten complacent--less focused on actively improving my health--and wanted to get back on the focused track so I set a couple goals. They were pretty simple; prepare and eat a good breakfast, get showered and out for a walk before noon, spend more time writing thank you cards and less time idly web surfing.

I woke up Wednesday morning irritable and sore, but I went to bed with goals for the day so pushed ahead. Breakfast--check. Shower--clumsy and slower than usual, but check. Out for a walk--at the turtle's pace of two weeks ago and the pain in my back was a lot more acute (like someone had hit me with a bat or pipe right across the spine just below the ribcage--it hurt to exhale). The rest of the goals for the day went right out the window. New plan: be still, rest, try to get feeling better before company showed up at 6:00.

It more or less worked. I had a friend from work drop by with pizza and really enjoyed chatting with her. But when our game-night friends showed up and I was already starting to fade (not that I would admit that to anyone). As the night progressed I became less mobile and less vertical, but I was enjoying having people and something to do so much I wasn't about to give in. Sure, today was a backwards step when considered with the last week, but they didn't have to know that. I was still capable of fun conversation even if I wasn't hopping up to be the hostess with the mostess.

Only now it's 4AM and despite the pain pills that usually make me drowsy I'm wide awake and dreading trying to sleep. I'm afraid to move my body and tweak that spot again. But I know with some more quality rest and a little distance from the really bad pain I can start moving forward again tomorrow. So here goes...

3-weeks Post-op

2008-10-24T11:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since the last post. I feel like I should get something up here so y'all don't forget about me.

In physical healing news: I continue to get better in teeny tiny increments each day. I walk a little farther, squat to the floor a little more often, sit up a little longer, accomplish more without assistance, and take a little less pain medication.

In emotional health news: I'm not doing too bad. I do much much better when I have company over, but even when I'm by myself I manage to avoid the giant pits of despair most of the time.

In coping news: I'm still working on having a set of alternative activities I can do on my own that occupy my idle brain but don't wear me out, produce useless junk, or lead to unhealthy thought habits. Reading books and meditation both seem like logical answers here, but the reading disability puts a damper on the first and I have yet to find the proper muzzle for my inner perfectionist to allow me to meditate without an outside guide. I think I want something crafty to do, but I just can't seem to justify creating mostly-useless stuff.

Attitude Adjustment

2008-10-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

Appreciation, Gratitude, and Happy Happenings:
(small note: There is so much fantastiness going on in my life that I'm not likely to remember all of everything I want to say. If you were part of some wonderfulness that did not get mentioned, please understand that it's likely because it's late and not because it wasn't as wonderful as everything else listed. k thanks)

The obvious first order of gratitude is that there is so much to be thankful for I'm certain of my inability to record it all here tonight.
The last two nights I've been able to share my bed with someone and feel skin touching my skin as I drift off to sleep.
Russell: who is here nearly all the time, who never grumbles when I call him in from another room to move this thing or that thing 4 inches , who has an endless supply of head kisses for me, who does a very good job of being aware of and taking care of himself in all this too, who provides me with yogurt and eggos and tasty sandwiches, who reads me stories, who walks me around the block, who worries so quietly and cheers so loudly, who loves me very very deeply
Autumn: who makes me cry (in the good way), who adjusts the world with a few words, who walks me to the bagel shop, who makes the tastiest pie ever,
A.: who helps out all over the place, who shuttles laundry and clears tables, who watches movies and brings grapes, who can help to fix the stuff I'm not talking about without having to talk about it, who declares when it's time to feel accomplished, who already understands why it's so important to be here on a Thursday night
Max: who inspires perma-grin just by making contact, who washes loads of dishes, who reminds me this is all an investment he intends to collect in due time, who takes care of me, who tollerates my stubborn instistance on finding some service task I can still do, who gives me attainable goals, who does things that result in wet pillows, who also loves me
Internet: fetlife, instant messaging, blogging, reaching out and finding people in some of the least expected places.
FMLA sick-leave: feeling confident that I have the money to pay people back for grocery runs and rent, knowing that I will still have a job when I'm well enough to do it again
I'm still getting better,

Whining

2008-10-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

I have given myself the next 45 minutes to type out as much whining as my fingers will allow. I'm a listy kind of girl so bring on the bullet points:

Pain meds: I'm not happy about being dependent on the damn things. It's not just the pain though, it's the grumpy moods and wooseyness. I've weened way down, but I want to be able to switch over to tylenol and deal with the moods in their raw state. My body just isn't ready to do that yet and I'm losing patience.
Moody: I'm a redheaded woman with hormones. Moodiness isn't new, but when combined with everything else it's downright irritating.
Lonely: I need to do a better job of orchestrating all these offers of help and company. I know y'all are out there, I just can't figure out what barrier to remove so you can come here and hang out with me.
Getting bored: I'm developing a routine which is nice, but it lacks productivity to it. Trouble is, productivity usually requires deadlines, and deadlines and pain meds just don't mix.
I want my damned 2-week happy boost! The book and several other sources said 2-weeks is the magic point at which you all-of-a-sudden start feeling better (not perfect but better). Now maybe I'm just running ahead of the game and I had mine on day 6 in the hospital when I all of a sudden took a shower and started wandering around sans walker. I really haven't felt any giant increases in wellness since then. I'm sure there are all kinds of little improvements I'm not noticing cause I'm in this damn body every day, but still... grrr.
I want to sit at Max's feet again. This, I know, is pure impatience. Max has already found ways to start reclaiming some of our power dynamic. But I'm gnashing at the bit because I want it allllll back right NOW! I want to be able to hop up when he comes to the door and get him a glass of water to drink while I make him coffee and he enjoys sitting in my nice TIDY living room. Then I want to kneel quietly with my head on his knee while he chats with Russell or works on his laptop.
The apartment is a mess and it's driving me crazy! Probably part of the reason I'm not actively inviting more people over is embarrassment about the state of the apartment. Logically this isn't really a problem because y'all understand I can't bend over to pick stuff up, but logic doesn't seem to matter to this emotional part of my brain. I know many of you would happily come over and help me clean, but that just feels weird too. Bah!
I have officially reached my threshold for feeling needy. This is not a good sign. I have a long way to go before I'm self-sufficient.

This is less than 45 minutes, but I seem to be feeling worse as I type not better so I'm stopping now. I anticipate a gratitude/landmark entry very soon.

The Incision

2008-10-15T16:53:00.000-07:00

There are pictures linked in this post, feel free to skip the reading and go straight to the images if you like :)

Four days after surgery, the surgeon came in and removed the dressing covering my incision and the wound drains. (tangent: Wound drains are weird things! They are long tubes sticking out of the incision and attached to little bellows-like boxes that collect all the goo that would otherwise back-up under my skin or mean changing bandages a whole lot more. Even after my catheter came out I had the wound drains for a day or two longer. Because they came detached in several places fairly easily, it was like having a pair of Eeyore tails while trying to get around my hospital room.) My redhead skin was unbelievably sensitive. Literally, unbelievable as far as the surgeon was concerned. He kept saying "I'm just pulling up tape, this shouldn't hurt, I'm not touching anything." The nurse who had seen my skin after the last IV replacement believed me when I cried out and tried to explain it to the surgeon, but to not much avail.

I'm really really glad Max was there in person for this procedure, I know I would have completly fallen apart without him there to hold me and keep me focused. Let me just say it's a damn good thing my doc went into surgery rather than gynocology. At least most of the time his patients are unconscious so it doesn't matter if he warns us about when he's going to touch something sensitive. After the stress of the bandage removal, I was really nervous about the wound drain removal. Having them removed was a tickley sensation, but didn't actually hurt.

Here are two pictures of what the incision looked like right after the bandage removal. The first is a wider shot and a little easier to look at if you squick easily. This second one is more upclose for my detail oriented readers.

You'll notice there are a couple bandages at the base still. Those were there to catch what was left from the wound drains and came off a couple days later (Russell was there for the next round of bandage removal, but neither Russell nor Max were there for the final removal on day 6. It wasn't pretty and I think the surgeon felt kind of bad afterwards. That was a really rough morning.)

I don't have any x-rays to show you just yet, but here is a before/after shot of the outside of my back. Don't click if you don't want to see ouchies on my back! It's behind a link because the before was taken after a pretty intense single-tail scene with Max and my bare butt is featured. Look at my waistline on the right side to see the really dramatic change in my body shape. I'm "standing up straight" in both pictures.

Content-free post

2008-10-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

I need this cat right now. Wonder if I can get an ADA waiver on the no-pets rule at the apartment for a cat while I'm in recovery?

Another Recovery Landmark:

2008-10-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

I POOPED!!!

Ok, I realize this is really more information than anyone wants, but for those of you considering this surgery, you need to fully comprehend what a HUGE deal this is. Today is the first day since September that I have pooped without the aid of chemicals. And yes, that liberated sensation that we all know about and no one talks about does still accompany the post surgery poo.

In other landmark news:
The first post-surgical load of laundry is done with the aid of two consecutive visitors today. I really enjoyed having both ladies over and welcome more visitors at this time. It seemed pretty obvious to both visitors when my stamina was gone and it was time to go, so no need to worry about keeping me up too long.

Memories of Surgery Day

2008-10-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

In less than 12 hours I went from looking like this to looking like this. Here's what I remember about it:
The morning started (as most appointments on this journey have) with a bunch of hanging out in a waiting room. Other patients came in later and went back sooner, but it didn’t bother me all that much because it just meant more time with my family. I can’t say I was in a big hurry to get started honestly. The extra time also gave us all a chance to see that even if my “next of kin” consisted of a group of 4 very important people, the nurses were only going to let one of them come back to the next stage with me. This is a choice I would have liked to be a little more prepared to make, but when it came right down to it, it wasn’t so very difficult. Thankfully I knew there would be no resentment no matter whom I chose.

When the time came, I went back into a pre-op area with Russell where began the unending litany of monitoring my vitals. This is also where I got the hospital gown and was introduced to a nifty new contraption: the hot air blanket—think blanket-shaped paper balloon hooked up to a hairdryer. I met my anesthesiologist (a friendly, practical lady who obviously had horse history), saw my surgeon one last time, and briefly met the circulating nurse. There was, once again, some lag time here so we managed to cycle the rest of my family back one at a time to give me one last good-luck wish. The anesthesiologist poked the first of many IV holes in me and started some relaxation medication before they wheeled me back. Max was the last family member I saw as I went through the doors to the OR.

In the hallway, I was awake just long enough to confirm my suspicions about the anesthesiologist’s horse background. I don’t know why it was such an important observation to me at the time, but it went a long way to helping me feel a little more comfortable knowing we had some kind of shared background. It was REALLY cold in the OR. I was fading fast after the second dose of relaxant, but vaguely recall meeting the Neuromonitoring specialist and the extremely apologetic nature of the nurse as she stuck a bunch of cold electrodes to my torso. I was unconscious before they stuck any more probes in me or hooked me up to the catheter—Thank Heavens! I remember nothing about the surgery.

Waking up was not as smooth a process. I was face-up when I woke up. I remember having full-body chills and shivers. They quickly put a bunch of baked blankets on top of me that seemed to calm things down a little bit. Then I was out for a little while again only coming to when I heard people trying to figure out which room to put me in. My finely tuned “communication error!!” alarms woke me right up. The plan beforehand was that my family would know which room I was assigned and they’d be there waiting for me when I rolled in. When no one was there, my anxiety level went way up. I tried to be patient, figuring someone would go get them quickly, but either my sense of time was off or none of the staff understood my request the first time. I had to throw a first class fit go get someone on staff to go find my people who were waiting and worried about me. This is a part of the process I wish there had been more amnesia drugs to erase.

Speaking of wishing for more amnesia drugs; I wish I could forget how upset my mom was when she saw me. Parents of scoliosis surgery patients really truly should find someplace else to be that first night. Mom wound up staying that night and trading off watching over me with Russell. Do I wish she hadn’t been there? Absolutely not. She did what she’s always done my whole life. Cared for me the best way she could and more than anything else in the world. Do I wish she didn’t have to go through that? Absolutely. I don’t recall all of what I needed from Mom and Russell, but I’m still very glad they were there that night. I just wish it hadn’t been so hard for them.

So, About the Collar

2008-10-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

Preface:
Collars are uniquely intimate connections. Even with as open as I try to be here, there's a lot about the collar that will continue to go unspoken on this blog. What I don't want to glaze over though is the fact that making changes on one branch of a poly relationship will almost always have impacts on others. Wearing the collar like this was a big change. The other members of my poly family have given me an amazing gift by choosing the lowest-drama route to dealing with this situational change. I can not say enough how grateful I am for that. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many incredible people.

How did Max's collar interact with my surgery and recovery?
First I should start with how I came to be wearing his collar immediately before surgery and during recovery. While Max and I have had a collar-oriented relationship for about a year, this is the first time I'm wearing his collar not in his immediate presence. It's a huge step for both of us, but one we were ready to take when the surgery rolled around.

The Sunday before surgery, we scheduled one last overnight date. As some people might imagine, this “date” quickly turned into a grief and anxiety processing session. Honestly, the nature of the date didn’t surprise us either. After this intense evening, we decided to leave the collar on so I could keep going back to it as a concrete representation of our connection and a source of the same strength and serenity I feel when I’m working hard for him. It worked! The next day at work I could feel it underneath my shirt reminding me to finish or release the last couple tasks on my plate so I could leave early. That afternoon, my massage therapist was a little surprised by the collar, but noted just how much more willing my body was to let go of the tension it’d been holding for the last few months. People all around me were commenting on how calm and centered I seemed given the circumstances.

As helpful as the collar was for my mental and emotional states, it didn't seem like the brightest most practical idea to go in the operating room wearing a chain locked around my neck. Much to my surprise, my surgeon was just fine with the idea. He did however suggest the anesthesiologist might be less flexible about extra stuff hanging around my airway. Rather than deal with back-n-forth the morning of surgery, it just made more sense to take it off in a quiet moment with Max just before heading back and let him put it back on as soon as it made sense to do so afterward.

I don't actually remember when in the sequence of events immediately post surgery Max put the collar back on. The farther I get from that day the blurrier things become. I do remember the power the collar held though, I do remember it linking right in to our connection and opening up to him, I do remember how relieved I felt to be able to push just a little more of my fear and pain back out through those links and into Max's strong hands, I remember feeling just a little more peaceful knowing I didn't have to do it alone anymore.

The collar was also a very practical tool for much of the hospital stay, even when Max wasn't around. It worked like a worry stone that never fell out of reach. I could fiddle and fidget with it when nothing else could distract me from the sensations that moment. Or I could simply tug at it a little and feel Max's hands on my neck holding me and keeping me. I genuinely believe I had more and easier access to the mindset required to get through the tough nights because of his collar around my neck.

Friends and hospital staff took it in stride for the most part. I think I was on my third post-op day before anyone on staff so much as mentioned it actually. Most often I explained that it was a token to help me stay strong and centered. Whether people understand D/s relationships or not, they usually understand tokens and symbols. Every once in a while a vanilla friend would comment and I'd just flat out say "It's Max's collar." Sometimes this knocked them back a pace or two, but my ease with it seemed to spread quickly and calm the situation.

Recovery landmarks to-date:

2008-10-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

Because I can't seem to focus long enough to answer any of the questions I posed this morning, and in order to avoid getting lost in the past, I thought I'd post a few recovery landmarks.
Most of these have been achieved through redheaded stubborness more than simply feeling better, but they still count.

I walked around the block (including the flight of stairs out and back in to my apartment) yesterday.
I showered in my own tub this morning. This included washing my hair and shaving my arm-pits. The only assistance I needed was to have Russell turn on and adjust the water (because that requires too much bending still) and then dry my back (because the skin is still very numb and I didn't want to risk any of the stitches).
I traded one dose of prescription pain-killers for extra-strength Tylenol
Immediately after the shower, I walked from my apartment to Table 219 (about a block away) so Russell and I could have brunch with my dad and one of his friends. This included the aforementioned stairs, some busy sidewalks/crosswalks, sitting up in a kind of hard booth for about an hour, and eating more than I've eaten in any one sitting since surgery.
I pooped (a very small amount and with chemical assistance...but it still counts!)
I made my own dinner tonight (ok, fine it was Top Ramen but that still meant crouching to get the pot and standing and stirring for a while)

It hasn't been all success and landmarks. Last night and this morning were pretty rough emotionally and I still spend A LOT of time napping and recovering from any of those activities listed above. But for people considering the surgery I think it's important to know that a little more than a week after I'm up and moving and making big progress.

Where to start?

2008-10-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

I have some time and energy to put in to detailed posts about surgery, but I'm not sure I have enough to cover all the possible avenues. Below is a list of questions in no particular order that I would have loved to read before jumping in to this whole surgery thing. I'd really like to give quality answers to all the questions, but I probably need to prioritize which questions get answered first. Take a look at the list. What questions/topics interest you the most? What other questions do you have? I thought I could set up a poll on my blog entries, but I guess that's just an LJ thing, so please drop me a comment (anonymously if you like).

What do I remember about surgery day and right after waking up (are there any blank spots)?
How did/does it feel physically?
How did hospital staff deal with the plethora of chosen family cycling through my room?
How did wearing Max's collar influence my recovery?
How did the rest of my friends and family (much less the hospital staff) react to my wearing his collar in the hospital?
What were the peaks and valleys of the hospital stay?
What were the coolest things family/friends did for me while I was in the hospital?

The old X-Ray is gone

2008-10-09T06:52:00.000-07:00

Unless you're using an RSS reader, you'll note the old x-ray picture in the sidebar is gone. That's because it's not what I look like any more and not what I want people to envision when they think of me post-surgery. Until I get the new set of x-rays to show a before/after set or a really pretty picture of me post-surgery please enjoy this beautiful painting by Ed Martinez showing a woman with a strong defined back getting ready for an evening out. I have a small print of it on my wall in my bedroom to remind me just where all this is going.

Jigity Jig!

2008-10-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

I'm home again! I'm doing well in general. In addition to providing the transportation, Puck did a fabulous favor for Russell and I and picked up a few adaptive household items for us so the transition from hospital bed to home was much smoother than it could have been.

I'm still tired and still waiting for a complete bowel movement so good healing thoughts are still very very welcome. And I'm still being lame about replying to previous comments, even though I love getting them. Now that I'm home and getting to drive my own meds/meals schedules I'm hoping to put together a post with a little more about my perspective on the surgery/hospital stay along with some pictures that I'll hopefully be able to post behind a link to protect the squeamish.

First self-post from the hospital

2008-10-07T16:45:00.000-07:00

Hi there boys and girls!!!
Day 5 was kind of a wheel-spinning day, but by noon-ish today I was doing much better. I've been up an walking around quite a bit, made a huge trek to the only place in the Swedish complex that still takes films long enough for my surgery.
I'm up and generally perky, but with limited stamina so this is a short post. I'll take time to give individual thanks to comments later, but THANK YOU ALL for all the words of support.

progress with some challenges

2008-10-05T23:27:00.000-07:00

(still Russell)

Red is continuing to do better. She had the catheter out and came off the IV fluid/painkiller mix on Saturday, then both wound drains taken out Sunday morning. Keeping food down has been a real problem though, we've been through a few different oral painkillers and anti-nausea meds. Right now she's back on an IV to boost her sustenance a little and carry some more direct anti-nausea med that I didn't catch what it was. She had nothing at all hooked up to her for a bit though, and I'm hoping this one won't be needed for long. She does seem to be keeping down the latest set of painkillers with some chocolate milk.

She's able to get all the way from prone to sitting up on her own, and from there to standing with just a little help arranging her walker. She's able to get to the bathroom and back with minimal assistance. I've been told that this morning she was able to walk with Max all the way to the elevators and back!

I've been reading everyone's comments to her and she's been very happy to hear them (and I bet ready to hold a computer herself tomorrow). We've had a bunch of people who've been wonderful coming in and helping take care of her. Her mom came in Saturday morning, V spent all last night here, Puck relieved her this morning, A. visited at some point today, both her dad and Autumn were here much of the afternoon, and of course Kaylee and Max have also been here a ton.

Lots of progress

2008-10-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

(Russell summarizing stuff Red says)

The big news is the two rounds of physical therapy yesterday, and two today. She had low blood pressure yesterday so didn't get far- sitting up in bed for half an hour or so, then back down. She did better today- up and to the bathroom, thence up and into the chair, then back into bed. This means she should be able to have her catheter out tomorrow. She's had broth a couple of times, then yogurt, and is now theoretically on a full diet although she hasn't ordered anything yet.

She says she's had good experiences with the nursing staff in general, and it makes a difference that she learns their names.

Kaylee spent an heroic night here last night while I got a good block of sleep, then I relived her this morning. Before I came in I stopped at Table 219 (formerly El Greco) for breakfast, and I must have looked pretty thrashed because Gary wouldn't let me pay for my food. I then did my best not to cry in the middle of his restaurant. :) Red's dad and Autumn came in to visit at about the same time early afternoon, and Autumn covered for me a couple hours while I got more food and picked up DVDs (the TV in the room has a little dvd player hooked up to it).

Red is getting better impressively fast, they're saying she should be able to go home on Tuesday.

Update

2008-10-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

(more Russell)

Red got into her room somewhere between 8:00-8:30 last night, and we got in to see her around 8:30. She looked pretty flattened, but not in a lot of pain. Her voice was a quiet squeak from being intubated for so long, but she was conscious and coherent.

Her mom and I spent the night in her room alternating who was awake, until Kaylee came back and relieved us around 10 this morning. Red spent most of the night asleep, waking up briefly a few times. She was pretty puffy when we first saw her, but that got better over the course of the night. When I left this morning she looked more or less human, albeit about as stationary as you can get.

I just got off the phone with Kaylee (after a nap in my own bed, and good company and Thai food with A.), who said that Max had shown back up, and the physical therapist was there. When I left six hours ago, I think her limit for physical therapy would have been something like lifting one hand a few inches three times in a row (I'm not exaggerating), so this seems promising. ^-^

More Details

2008-10-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

(Russell again)

We're back from food, but she's not in her room yet. The guess was that she'd be out of recovery somewhere in the 7:30-8:30 range, so we're good. I think the plan is that we see her installed, then Max and her mom head to their respective homes, and Kaylee or I spend the night curled up in her window-seat. We'll then rotate around over the next few days, (and I'll make sure to let people know when she's well enough for more visitors).

Surgery went an hour or two longer than they'd expected- her thoraco-lumbar curve corrected to about 24 degrees (from 57), and they had to balance that out in her thoracic curve so as to keep her shoulders even and lined up above her hips. I gather that was a pretty fiddly process to get just right. We've been told she'll be more or less unrecognizably puffy when we see her- being face-down for so long means that there's been a lot of fluid pooling. I'm going to be really happy to see her, though.

in recovery

2008-10-01T18:06:00.001-07:00

(Russell)

Red's in the recovery room, we just met with the surgical team and she's good. We're going out for food, more details soon. ^-^