Here are my go-to strategies when I hit bumps:
Self Inquiry
- What feels like love to me? What does your partner do that helps you know you're loved? What do you do to show her love? I find the five love languages quiz is a good place to start: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
- Are my actions, beliefs, and attention encouraging or discouraging expressions of love? Are you holding your own loving actions back for some reason? Do you believe there is room for all of you here? Do you believe that your partner is the only source of love for you? Are you carefully cataloging every time you feel undervalued and possibly missing the little expressions of love in-between?
- NOTE: The questions I almost always find unhelpful to ask directly are What is at the core here? and What needs aren't being met? That's not to say that I don't ask them every time (some lessons are learned more slowly). In my experience though, the answers to those questions point fingers at surface illusions and don't lead to good problem solving. It's like describing the monster under the bed before actually looking to see if there's a monster at all.
Communication
- Start from a place of genuine compassion and gratitude.
- Try to describe the experiences inside your heart without making up stories about what should or shouldn't have happened.
- If you get to the point of making action plans, remember that these are experiments and having things go wrong is sometimes more helpful and informative than having them go right the first time.
Intentional time
- Sometimes, I just miss my partner and the world turns right again after we have a good date.
- This is different from the problem-solving communication time. This is time you write on a calendar and do something you're both likely to enjoy together.
- It can be on a comforting activity that happens on regular schedule. It can also be hidden gems of time when you break out of your routines and find something new together.
- Google calendar is my friend. All the people in my world are very very busy (Seriously, who isn't busy these days?) and sharing calendars helps me find those little spaces to slip in and enjoy one another.
