Various and Sundry

It seems like I should post again so here you go:

• I'm thinking of changing the focus of my posts for the next year. I'm more than a year out from surgery and frankly it just isn't that big a deal in my life anymore. (Hence, I'm not posting so much) That said, I want to keep stuff archived so people looking for shared experiences have somewhere to turn, and I'm always open to questions on old posts.
  
• The poly parts of my life are definitely taking center stage in my personal growth plan right now. There are a lot of moving parts in my world of relationships which means there's rarely a dull moment. The tricky part of adjusting the blog to this emphasis will be in relaying genuine experiences without stirring up undue drama.
  
• I haven't stopped being kinky either--though the realization of these desires hasn't been quite as prominent as playing the poly balancing act. I would like to take at least a post or two in the near future to try to put into words what I get out of all this and what I'm still longing for.
• Performance/theatrical art has certainly made a come back in my life and I'm quite happy about that. I'll be dancing in an upcoming show at Little Red Studio here in Seattle. Rehearsals are going well so far.
  

Thanksgiving Benchmarks

This has been an interesting and informative holiday break.

Last year at this time, I was just about 2 months out from surgery and doing quite well.
This Thanksgiving, I spent a lot of time working in Kaylee's kitchen and making little notes about how much has changed. Besides the addition of Tony to our Thanksgiving celebration, the best improvement this year was that I could handle all the heavy pots on my own. I remember how frustrating it was to try to make the "Best Mac'n'Cheese Evar!" while having to ask other people for help draining the pasta and moving pans around. I'm still pretty conscious of which muscles I'm using when I lift heavy things, but it's more out of a learned awareness than imminent danger of damaging myself.

Other things have gotten better too. There's a girl out there who can confirm with certainty that, as of last night, I have zero trouble moving around a bed. The couch risers have been stowed away so long that I was surprised to find them while cleaning house for a small party yesterday.

When I dug into the archives looking for last year's Thanksgiving status update, I found a couple other posts. Some things change but others stay the same. I still have that piece of hardware creating a lump on my back, and I'm still struggling to stick to plans of exercising to maintain my upper back and shoulders. But hey, what would life be without a few consistent plot lines?

Gym=Blogging?

When I got home from the gym tonight and sat down to blog, I realized the last time I sat down to blog was also one of the last times I'd been to the gym. I don't think this is actually a causal relationship. I think it's more about the number of nights when I've had enough time and energy to do more than basic needs self-care. That's not to say that I've been all work and exhaustion for the last month. It's just when one has four key relationships to maintain in addition to adding another 20 hours a week in extra-curricular activities, time to reflect and focus on body awareness can slip to the side.

Good news is; I have more time now (including a 4-day weekend that starts tonight).

It Worked?!

Recently I've had a couple strange ideas that I resisted acting on for a short while and then thought: "What the hell, lets give it a shot."

Now I find myself a little stunned that they both worked with better than expected results. I'm not sure what kind of charm I've got going, but I think I should continue to make good use of it for as long as possible.

Go go gadget weird idea manifestation!

When the going gets tough...

I posted this to another journal a while back (10/22/09 to be exact) and couldn't get it cross posted here until just now. So this is old news, but still worth archiving:

Back pain: About the end of August I started having a lot more back pain than normal. There was a bit of a panic briefly, then I started up with a new set of physical therapy sessions. I was officially discharged from those last Friday.

Stage managing: A little more than half-way through the run things are moving pretty smoothly. Everybody knows what to do and how not to fuck up. The script failed to grow on me, but such is life. It just means I get to enjoy making snarky comments over the headset. It is fun to do the pick-up rehearsals where the actors have permission to goof off significantly and mock the script themselves. It's a nice hour-long guided improv that also happens to get the lines back in the actors' heads.

Curriculum writing (and other zoo work): The kick-ass anatomy curriculum draft was submitted on Wednesday. I expressed at least a couple moments of educational brilliance. Boss Lady is currently in a mood though so I'm not sure how she's going to react to my pure genius. Just in-case I was worried I might have time to take a breath, I also had a meeting with another subdivision of the education department and have had my curriculum brilliance skills contracted with 3 (THREE!) major re-writes to teacher packets that will likely occupy most of my non-registration time for the next 10 months.

So the season of way too fucking much to do is coming neatly to a close. What does a girl like me do to celebrate?

Buy new undies of course!

I stumbled into a store having a sale on some very cute panties and spent some money there. Then, when I got home after rehearsal, I got a marketing email from figleaves.com (aka the devil to my pocketbook). They were having a sale on some things that have been sitting in my "shopping bag" for quite some time. Then like a good little impressionable consumer, I also found a couple other things that needed purchasing too.

Ha!

I made it to the gym again! Hooray! I'm a little surprised by how things have slipped away over the last 2 months... maybe surprised isn't exactly the right word... what's the word for being fully aware of potential outcomes but still solidly in denial until reality will no longer be refused?

Anyway, I got some good stretches in, did my PT before work and 45 minutes of cardio after work today. It feels good.

Anniversary Plus Techweek

On Thursday, it will be exactly 1 year since surgery.
However, party-like social celebrations of this anniversary are being postponed until November.

This is because on Thursday night I will also be stage managing for the first time in about 10 years. On many levels, being able to stage manage is its own form of celebration of the anniversary of surgery. (The show is Psycho Beach Party at the Burien Little Theater if you're interested in that kind of thing)

PT and Volteran are working out well to deal with the back pain of earlier this month. Hopefully once the show is up and running I can get back on my exercise routine and keep up my goals of staying fit.

For now, I'm off to bed so that I can get up and do this crazy theater thing all over again tomorrow night after work.

(I'm going to tag this post later)

Verdict

There was a lot of waiting involved in this "quick rush in" appointment. I'm pretty used to that with Dr. Williams, so I just rolled with it and was appreciative that he was willing to squeeze me in before the long weekend.

The bones and hardware are all still in place and in tact. I have some uber anti-inflammatories, and a script for more PT (pretty much what I expected). He offered massage and other pain blockers, but I declined. Really I just want to do something to make it feel better. I don't mind hard work or habit changing, but I'm not interested in covering it up and hoping it goes away.

Now, what was I going to do with my Friday again?

Update

Since Mom is reading this I thought some other folks might be also. Here's the latest:

After leaving a message with "Jennifer the Amazing" last night, I waited until 9 to hear back from her. My back woke me up at 7, so 9:00 was much later in the day than it normally is on my days off. At 9:05 I hadn't heard back from the usually very prompt nurse, so figured Jennifer was wrapped up in something else. I decided to call in to the front desk and get the appointment process started with them.

I'm pretty happy with Dr. Williams, and Jennifer is great, but OPA as an organization is a very typical corporate medical institution with ridiculous hoops and phone trees. I try to avoid calling the front desk whenever possible. This morning was a good example of why:

Call 1: "Please listen to the whole menu as our options have changed. For appointments press 5...(I press 5)...This is the perscription refill request line. Please leave the following information at the tone...(I hang up)

Call 2: "Please listen to the whole menu as our options have changed. For appointments press 5...(I press 5 very carefully)...This is the perscription refill request line. Please leave the following information at the tone...(I try all the little secret get me out of this menu buttons I can think of including * and # with no success. I hang up)

Call 3: I try for Jennifer's direct extension again, but she's still not there and I'm not going to leave a second message to bother her.

Call 4: "Please listen to the whole menu as our options have changed." This time I listen to the whole stupid menu and hear that I should press 8 for perscription refills. I press 8 hoping that the two lines are just reversed. Instead I get the emergency response nurse who is peeved that she's talking to me. She doesn't seem terribly interested in the fact that the phone tree sent me here unwittingly, and transfers me to the front desk. I sit on hold for a while, get a brief contact with someone and sit on hold a while longer. Eventually the receptionist gets back to me and I find out that Jennifer isn't in today so she's going to transfer me back to the operator where I should dictate a detailed message to be typed up and given to the person filling in for Jennifer today. Turns out that the operator is also the person who answers the emergency line, and she's again delighted to hear my voice.

I've left the message and I'm once again in a holding pattern waiting to hear back about an appointment.

Sigh.

The nice thing about cell phones is I can still go out to breakfast with my boy and I won't miss the call back. (deleted unnecessary snarky comment here) Maybe I'll give a couple PT exercises a try while I wait for Russell to be ready to go eat.


By the time I finished typing this I got a call back, and I'm heading straight to the office right now.

Truth in Advertising

Hi folks,
For the last several days my thoracic spine has been really painful--like keeping me up at night, the perscription drugs from last fall are looking really appealing kind of painful. I've been wracking my brain trying to think of something, anything, I've done lately that might be causing it and I'm coming up blank.

Over the course of the last two days I've started seriously regretting having this surgery done at all. It's a horrible feeling to think that I went through all that shit of the last year and came out on the other side being in pain more often than I ever was before.

Max convinced me to call the surgeon's office tonight and hopefully get a quickie appointment for tomorrow. I'm hoping that a little physical therapy and body retraining will be all that's required, but this is a pretty dramatic change from a month ago so I'm kind of nervous about what might be revealed.

More Tylenol, ice-packs, and trying to get to sleep for me now.

The Anti-Worry

Here's my plan:

1. Re-read every post tagged with worrying and/or questions.
2. List the concerns from each post
3. Record what really happened
4. Share it with all of you (Though, it's been so long since I've updated there might not be any readers left, but oh well)

Posted in April 08:
Questions:
Will I be able to walk on stripper heals? Will the way my body moves still illicit tips? Will I fit into the costume we already purchased? Will I be able to attend without being unreasonably exhausted? (Will I ever post about anything completely unrelated to the surgery?)
Answers:
I wasn't walking in stripper heals yet. We did get plenty of tips. Had to adjust the straps a little, but I fit just fine. Made it through the event just fine energy wise.

Posted in May 08:
Question:
Do I really need this surgery or am I just seeking attention?
Answer:
3 of 3 surgeons agreed that the surgery was necessary. I may have also been seeking attention, but I'm too damned self-aware to let that kind of behavior get very far beyond reality.

Question:
Will my partners be so afraid of hurting me that they forget how to have passionate sex with me?
Answer:
Briefly, but that's probably for the best initially. Being aware of the potential for this problem made all the difference in the world when it came up. Lots of reality checks and constant recalibration of our abilities have kept the good things going and getting better all the time.

Posted in July 08:
Question:
Do I have enough time to do all the things I want to do before surgery? Am I ready for this change?
Answer:
In this post, I noted that August was invisible. Actually, it was September that disappeared. I skipped several fun things that month because I was just too darn anxious. I was ready though, and if I'd known how quickly some of these fun things would come back to me I would have been a lot less anxious.

Posted in August 08:
Questions:
What if I never get to do this again after surgery? Am I ok with my massage therapist seeing the impending marks? What will our relationship look like during my recovery? How do I get the absolute most out of my body right now without risking surgery-delaying damage? Why won't my mind let go so I can just be here now and process this?
Answers:
I'll do something else that's even more fun. Yes, of course I'm ok with my massage therapist seeing marks--closets are for clothes not skeletons. The relationship question merits a whole post full of gratitude unto itself. Let go into the sensations and be alert for "bad pain." Rhetorical questions like that one are the major culprits in the assault on my concentration.

Posted just before surgery: (answers in italics)

• How long do they expect I'll be in which parts of the hospital? (Surgery, ICU/Recovery, Patient room) I was in surgery for 8.5 hours, recovery for a pretty short time and then moved to the patient room for 8 days.
  
• Will I see the surgeon before surgery? How soon after will he check in? Yes, I saw him briefly beforehand. A year later, I don't remember exactly when he came back after I moved to the patient room, but he checked in pretty often.
  
• What are the policies around electronics in patient rooms? (iPod? Laptop? Wireless access?) I could have whatever I wanted. There was wireless, but it was pretty well censored so I couldn't update to fetlife.
  
• At what point will the first people come see me after surgery? As soon as I was in my room, they could have come in. There was an unfortunate miss communication that meant I was awake for a while and missing my family while being very confused.
  
• How do updates of my surgery progress get to family members? (Should they all hang out there all day? Should they rotate through, but keep someone there all day? Is there some pager system in case they all wander off?) Dr. Williams' Nurse walked out to the waiting room and gave regular updates to my family throughout the process. Then Dr. Williams came out and gave the closing report when things were done.
  
• Who do I need to tell about my picky diet stuff? How much space is there for making accommodations? There's not a lot to worry about diet wise when all you feel like eating is chicken broth and graham crackers. When I was ready for more food, they had plenty of options. Swedish Orthopedic Rocks!
  
• Will there be more digital x-rays or other images I can have access to? No nifty images of the surgery in progress, but plenty of x-rays along the way. Speaking of which I need to post a little time-lapse thing at some point.
  
• What items should I bring with or specifically leave home? (I have several lists, but I want to cross reference with what the nurse says on this one.) Toiletries, snacks for guests, laptop, Fraggle Rock, music, bathrobe, fuzzy socks, slippers with traction. Things I wish I'd had: moisturizer, contact list in large print, gum/mints.
  

Posted at various times after surgery:
Questions:
Am I good enough? Did I break something?
Answers:
Yes. No.

Happy Anniversaries

The first anniversary of note: I've been running this blog for a little over a year. It's interesting to look back at some of my frets and preparations back then. I think that's fodder for a whole new post unto itself.

Also, Max and I recently celebrated the 2nd anniversary of our first overnight date. I've been meaning to blog about it for a while now, but it seems like there are more interesting things to do with my time than sit at the computer lately. So once again I shall substitute eye-candy for intellectual content.

Enjoy (click for bigger):

My life is Awesome!

Okay, overall it's just about as awesome as most other people's lives. BUT the past weekend was particularly demonstrative of my life's unique flavor or awesomeness.

The week was stressful at work, not all bad stress, mostly high-intensity, "this is what we spend all year getting ready to do" kind of stress. Still Russell and I managed to have a nice dinner before Grind (the beginning of my weekend). Then, because I didn't have any actual responsibilities at this particular Grind, I went home to consult my closet about the night's costume.

I wasn't sure whether Tony (formerly known as Mr. NRE) was even going to attend Grind, so I approached my closet looking for something fun, but that would not be so cool as to be disappointing should he miss the opportunity to appreciate the outfit. Much as I wanted to go with a low-risk standard, there was a costume piece that refused to be denied any longer. The boots. As in my platform-heeled, lace-up-the-back, zip-up-the-front, I've-fallen-on-my-butt-more-than-once-while-dancing-in-them boots. I figured I had at least a couple more weeks before they demanded to be worn since I did take them out on a short test-run at SEAF. But NO these boots can get down-right bossy and demanded a serious high-femme outfit to set them off that night.

So I quickly sent a irresistibly tempting photo message to Tony hoping to insure he would show up, put myself together and out the door I went (with boots in hand because while they're bossy they were no where near convincing enough about their comfort and stability to keep me from wearing back-up shoes).

The boots did make it out on the dance floor. I did not fall on my ass. Tony did show up. And he was mightily appreciative of the outfit.

With the exception of a being a little extra cautious when the floor got crowded, it was almost as if I'd never had the surgery. My back didn't even get sore after all that dancing and balancing with a weird center of gravity.

That's all very nice, but here's where the awesomeness really starts:

On Saturday morning, I got to share breakfast with Max for the first time in much too long. He's been out of town and I've been a little tougher to schedule lately. Fortunately we had the good sense to share breakfast in private so we could enjoy each other and "what-not" without trying to maintain a vanilla exterior.

Oddly though, by the time I got home after sharing breakfast with Max, I was perhaps even a little more hungry than I was before breakfast. So Russell and I went out to lunch together and made plans for the way we wanted to spend the rest of the afternoon. Things didn't go exactly as planned but we really didn't mind. Honestly, what's not to like about an afternoon spent on very focused snuggling and "what-not," reading out loud, and sharing a pizza dinner while still naked in bed.

Then it was time for Russell and I to be on our separate ways. I was off to see opening night of a show that Tony was performing in. The show went quite well and Tony and I wrapped up the day with still more focused snuggling and "what-not."

That was significantly more "what-not" than I pack in to any given week on a regular basis, much less a single day and guess what... My back feels fine (my girl bits are a little cranky, but hey, there's a price for everything). Russell, Max, and Tony all spoiled me rotten on Saturday which is just what I needed to be ready to jump back in to the craziness at work today.

Seriously, my life is awesome!

Fly-by posting

Hi Kids,
Yes, I'm still caught up in NRE and not posting much in the way of thoughtful content. However, this post at least has a NSFW picture, and something recovery related.

First, here is a picture of the first post-surgery suspension Max and I managed to catch on camera. I will probably have more to say about this later, but for now, I'll let the pretty picture speak for itself.

In other news, I went to my first yoga class since surgery after work today. There's still a lot that I can't do, and it's a little frustrating that some of my favorite poses from before surgery are just out of the question right now. I used to love the twisty poses. Pre-surgery my spine was all about twisting and bending in bizarre directions. Now even the "relaxing" twists are... NOT relaxing. On the other hand, all those poses where the instructor reminds people to have a flat back, I'm set!

Ok, I'll be back... real soon now...

Don't catch a cough!

Word to the wise in back surgery recovery, avoid catching a cough. Sudden repeated and unpredictable contractions of core muscles does not make for a happy healing process. My back feels more like it did back in February strength and stamina wise lately. This is a source of serious frustration when there's play and sex to be had. On more than one occasion this week, I caught myself "muscling through" pain or exhaustion that really should have been acknowledged and addressed. As soon as I figured out that it was about the cough and not a random back slide, it's been easier to be nice to myself (and admit to others that I'm not as strong as I was a week or two ago).

Also, if NRE were predicted in a Rob Brezsny horoscope, this is what it would look like:

"The planets are conspiring to unleash energies that will touch you in ways you didn't realize you needed to be touched. Any minute now you may begin to feel a pleasurable burning sensation in your soft underbelly, or a prickly wake-up call in your willpower, or a ticklish electricity running through your funny bone. What does it all mean? Maybe nothing. Or maybe it means so much that you can't possibly analyze its meaning. What a valuable gift that would be! When is the last time you felt free of the need to have to understand everything?"

Where'd Red Go?

I don't have any big events to prepare for.
I don't have any major health struggles.
I have plenty to talk about.
Where the hell have I been?!

Three little letters explain so much: N.R.E.
It's a delightful mental illness which all the experts say will eventually pass on its own without significant treatment.
It frequently manifests symptoms like: sleeplessness, exhaustion, manic episodes, obsessive fixation on communication devices, and characteristic eye rolling in bystanders.

In poly circles especially, NRE (new relationship energy) can be... volatile. There's the fantastic joyful high that can spread out and run all over the other partners resulting in (among other things) more fun sex for everyone. But there's also the high potential for all parties to communicate poorly and make stupid mistakes. Failure to properly manage NRE has been the death of many many poly relationships.

So what am I doing to keep the good and mitigate the risks?
Awareness: The first step is to recognize that this is infact NRE. It's not suddenly finding the one true thing I've been seeking my whole life. Nor is it a casual friendly flirtation to be down-played.
Communication: I'm trying to err on the side of overcommunicating with existing partners. Even with that goal, I think I'm still falling short a little. I'm also trying to pay attention to what my partners are saying (and not saying) about their comfort levels with the situation.
Quality time: I'm making intentional time with my existing partners doing the things we like best or that feel special and unique to our relationships.

So far, so good.

Someone New

With the exceptions of having my windshield smashed and being pretty exhausted all week, life is good right now. Here's a scanned and cropped version of one of the photo-booth pictures taken at SEAF. (A total of 58 bobby pins by the way)


Beyond this point, this is another one of those more kink/sex-focused posts:

Last night, I played with someone new for the first time in a long time. More specifically, I played with someone who did not know me during the rougher parts of my recovery from surgery. This was also the first time since well before surgery that I played in a more fluid power dynamic situation. So the equation looks a little like this:

Surprise Chemistry + Fluid Power - Shared History = Rapid Potential Achievement

When your body changes drastically, there are things you learn to do (or avoid doing) that just become habit after a while. It was nice to have those habits fall away and just explore what felt right in the moment. I want to write more about this, but I think I'm puzzling things out too much to clearly communicate what the puzzle looks like yet.

It was hot, and fun, and educational, and ultimately... exhausting (but in a good way).

More Pictures

Here are some awkward self-portraits of Saturday's dress:
(click for bigger...I think)
A note on this dress, this dress has a lot of personal history in it for me. It was a gift from the person who introduced me to my community here in Seattle, given to me on a weekend trip together after only having spent 24 hours together in person. It marked a whirlwind introduction, and I was quite pleased to have such a special occasion to show it off again. My body hasn't changed all that much, but after 7 years something about the way I carry myself in this dress feels like it has changed significantly. The pose in that blurry shot where you can see the tops of my boots would never have happened 7 years ago.

SEAF Public Opening Night

The SEAF planning/production team and volunteers kick ass! This is one hell of an event. I'm one of those people who had mixed feelings about some of the past year's festivals. While I was excited to be in the show this year, I honestly didn't expect it to be this fantastic. The space, the art, the program, the tech-crew: awesome!

I got to see even more of the art with Russell taking a more methodical approach to the gallery. I also got to lurk around my x-ray and watch complete strangers react to it. That was fun.

I don't have any pictures of last night's outfit. I wound up wearing the body hose tonight rather than the dress I'd originally planned on. Friday was supposed to be about seduction and texture and the body hose has that in spades. It also gave me an excuse to wear my hair down because I fully planned to flirt and find people to join me in the dress, and there is no number of bobby-pins large enough to hold a hairstyle together climbing in and out of a tube multiple times. When I arrived it dawned on me that dress sharing wasn't going to happen when we were all strutting about the gallery seeing and being seen. So I waited patiently for the after-party to start and planned to have a little fun with a friend out on the dance floor.

Here's the thing though, when the lights went down and the after-party started I realized these weren't "my people" attending this part of the festival. I've become completely spoiled at the Wetspot. I just don't go out to normal clubs and I forget what drunken otherwise overly-inhibited people do when they have an excuse to let go a little. All my alarm bells went off saying I would likely be spending more time whacking people away than dancing. My friend and I agreed that the dress dancing would have to wait for a Grind. Russell and I left very shortly there after (but not before seeing a truly talented pole dancer show her stuff).

Again, my own personal version of a SEAF after-party was my favorite part. I started typing this post before bed last night while sitting on the couch in my dress full of unused potential. When I noticed the post was going to be more than a few sentences to get my ideas out there, I set it aside and went to snuggle a very sleepy Russell. I didn't bother to take the dress off, and managed to get Russell to join me inside. I really like watching skeptical people try the dress and realize how much cozy fun it is. I'll spare you most of the details, but suffice it to say the body hose makes a nice bedtime companion as well.

Ok I'm off to a workshop. Then it'll be time to get ready for one more night of fun and craziness this weekend.

SEAF Preview Review

Hi folks,
There's a lot more SEAF to go this weekend, but I know some of you would like to see at least a first set of pictures.

The pampering at Duque was quite nice. Even though our snapshots don't do her work justice, Lola our make-up artist was fantastic! We had great eyes! I wasn't thrilled by my hair style, but it was definitely very fancy. I kept telling people it was Art (with a capitol A). And hell, I've got two more nights to play with my hair in my own way.

Here's the first picture Kaylee and I took in our attempt to document the evening. We would have had Russell take it for us, but he was busy in the shower (Can you see the boy part in the background?)


Then we decided that none of the white walls in the apartment would do for background portrait shots so we wandered into the front yard. These two shots are my favorites so far. Partly because I don't take great face shots to begin with and also because we just look so damned pretty and elegant.


When we got there, I would have nothing to do with anyone or anything until I located my x-ray. It's in a pretty easy to describe place. Walk to the back of the hall, stand in front of the boutique photo booth, turn around and look at the wall behind you. There's a fantastic torso sculpture to the right and a hot redhead to my left.

Once the piece was located, a lovely evening of showing off was had by all. Max joined Kaylee and I part way through the night and we got to direct him to the fun art we had scoped ahead of time.

As nice as it was to wander around and feel special and fancy like all the others in the room, I have to admit, the highlights of my evening came after we left the exhibition hall. The preview closed early (for people used to staying out until 1AM on a Thursday), so Kaylee, Max, and I went to Whim for a little pick-me-up before finishing the night off at Grind. Actually Max went home after insuring that Kaylee and I were well nourished and properly motivated to enjoy the last bit of Grind on our own.

And enjoy Grind I did. Stripping out of that outfit was so much fun. There were several songs worth of just teasing the skirt up, but eventually I couldn't stand it any longer the gown needed to come off. Only problem was, I had a pair of jellyfish stuck to my breasts underneath that were in no way sexy when viewed without clothes over them. So I tip-toed off the dance floor as discretely as possible to remove them and stash them in a safe place. I got to finish off the last two songs of the night dancing naked for people I really enjoy, including one new individual whose attention was particularly compelling. (I anticipate finding ways to have more of that individual around in my future)

All that dressing up and decking out does have it's draw-backs at the end of the evening though. Kaylee and I were really longing for my dear friend who actually enjoys taking down complicated redhead up-dos. NORMAN WHERE WERE YOU?! Instead, we had to do it ourselves. Here's one of the last pictures from the night.



Care to take a guess as to how many bobby pins it takes to hold Kaylee and I together on a night like this? (answer will be in the next post)

Pamperpalooza 2009

What is Pamperpalooza 2009?
It begins Wednesday with an evening of bathing, grooming, eating, and mutual mani- pedi- with Kaylee.
Then I do a little self care and go kick a certain trainer in the shins Thursday morning (Because I will be done limping by then and he definitely deserves it.)
A final baseline grooming and Kaylee and I are off to Duque for professional pampering.
This includes my very first facial ever, and make-up and up-do's for both of us. (I've never been here before either. You can be sure I'll tell you how it went.)
Then we put on pretty dresses and prance around our respective homes informing the boys it's time to tell us how pretty we look. (I've found it's important to be clear about your goals when prancing. If you don't want to hear "Are you really wearing that?!" then it's better to just say "Tell me I look pretty.").
There will probably be some snap-shots of Pamperpalooza (and the end result) that I'll happily post after the night is through.

All this pampering does not come cheap, but we're worth it. Between the white dresses and the disproportionate amount of pre-event fussing, it's almost like Kaylee and I are getting to do all the fun parts of a wedding without having to deal with the drudge-work, cranky relatives, and unreasonable commitment at the end.

Personal trainer appointment: FAIL

One should not leave an "orientation" appointment in tears (they were emotional tears as opposed to pain tears though those aren't good either).

I felt embarrassed, frustrated, and weak. I let my brain do the check-out thing I haven't let it do in a couple years. Oddly, the more checked-out I was the more positive feedback I got from the trainer about my form. If I could learn to use that willfully in a meditative state rather than reflexively in a survival state I might have something.

I'm going to go hide and pretend it didn't happen for a while.

I posted this note on a couple other networking sites today, and got some immediately protective reactions from my friends. Along with encouragement to keep trying and find another trainer.

The fail was mutual.

The trainer is still in school for this stuff and walked into our session scared shitless of fucking up my back (quite possibly because I handed him my latest x-rays--there's something about the image of 23 screws sticking into my spine that seems to get people's attention).

I walked in wanting some upper body and core exercises. He announced we were going to work on my legs. I failed to say, "No, we're going to work on what I want to work on because it's my time and I've been living in this body for the last 32 years."

He then failed to get information from me about what I've already been doing (or even that I've been doing it for the last 4 months in his gym). He made several wrong assumptions underestimating me in some areas and way over estimating in others.

I have a pretty thin shell and lots of hot buttons around athletics and physical fitness. I've toughened up significantly in the last year or so, but something hit me in just the right way to start the water works during the session. Really there wasn't much left for me to do besides drop into survival mode check-out for the duration. If you have any idea what it's like to relive memories of your self crying in middle school gym class you'd understand. There are some injuries we just don't forget.

Will I go back to the gym tomorrow? Yes
Will I work with a trainer again? Probably $omeday

In the mean time Russell has agreed to help me brainstorm a few exercises to add in to my routine to help keep me challenged and moving forward. I'm really fortunate to have a mindful, self-educated, gym-rat for a boyfriend *grins*

Mixed Bag

In this episode of Mixed Bag: summary of the first massage since surgery, SEAF hair idea pictures, and video of the act Kaylee and I surely would have mastered had we found a third to join us.

First Massage Since Surgery:
I went back to the massage therapist who got me limbered up before surgery. It was just simpler to work with someone I'd already broken in. (During the last massage he gave me, I was wearing Max's collar.)
This was more of an information gathering session than actual massage therapy, though to describe it, sounds more like a scene with Max in many ways. My therapist poked, prodded, twisted, bent and occasionally massaged just about every joint and major muscle group from my neck down. He was duly impressed by the flexibility I've maintained in my hips and shoulders, and more than a little stunned at the reality of fusing T-4 to L-3 without major post-surgical complications.
For the most part we both made it through the appointment unscathed and better informed about my body's reactions to stimulus.
I think we'll actually get some solid work done on my neck and shoulders next week.

SEAF Hair:
Courtesy of weddingchannel.com, here are the current candidates for SEAF Hair. Feedback is welcomed, though I make no promises to actually heed any of it.

Somewhere in my head, straightened sleek hair means grown-up and sophisticated. I don't do that very much in my day to day life.


This one is nice with all the carefully negotiated curls and still a smooth look, if a little softer than the one above.


I think this one has some appeal to me simply because it's so similar to my hair color and texture to start with. Also... Sexy Redhead Back!


I don't intend to stick flowers in my hair, but the complexity of hair sections appeals.


Please try to ignore the BAD BAD BAD make-up in this one. I like the idea of letting some of my hair loose in the back, but not enough to cover my scar. When I can't get past the make-up, this one just looks like a bad prom memory.



Now, the video: My mom (who reads this blog incidentally) sent this to me today. If only Kaylee and I had seen this before my surgery, I'm sure we could have recreated it on our own (okay, maybe not).

The artistry, the classic 40's harmony, the costumes, the... no really keep watching! (1:15 at least)

Why do we do it?

As is often the case, shortly after leaving the lecture hall post panel discussion I thought of several things I wanted to add/say differently.

Someone asked the ever popular "What do bottoms get out of this?" question today. Someone else on the panel had already touched on the gift of being forced into letting someone else take care of you. I tried to address that same idea from a different angle by talking about the joy in being treasured/prized. It was an alright answer, but not really the core of what I get out of bottoming most of the time.

The biggest release I get out of bottoming is permission to let go of my self-control. I'm not just talking about letting someone else be in charge and worry about the details (though that is nice), I mean really knowing that I'm in a safe place where my only responsibility is to let go.

I admit, I'm a responsibility junkie and I have a fucking death-grip on self-control. I like to think that I manage these character traits alright through a fair amount of self-awareness. But really, that's just another layer of self-control. If' I'm going to really start peeling back the layers of control, I'd like to know there's a safe container to catch all those pieces of me that I believe will go flying away once I stop holding on.

Sometimes that container comes in the form of having someone "force" me into things. If my partner can demonstrate enough control of the situation to force things, then my mind feels safer letting go for a minute. Those are hot, edge-pushing scenes like Russell and I did so often when we first started dating. They include a lot of back and forth pushing and trying to puzzle around or out of the situation along the way to the release of control.

Other times though it's not about force. The container comes from boundaries and goals built over a longer period of connection through intimacy and vulnerability. It is about pleasing my partner by being as transparent and raw as possible in our interactions. It is about knowing that he will accept whatever comes of those interactions as a gift and trusting that he will help me put myself back together again before we part.

Public Engagements

I just got home from speaking at a local university psychology class about being a kinky poly pervert (wearing my new favorite Pepper Potts suit just for fun). The class had good questions. A couple of people even dropped by afterward to ask for my blog address, so if you're stopping in from that class, hello and welcome. This may not be quite the content you're looking for, but follow some of the other blogs in my list at the bottom of the page for people who post more fun stuff.

In about three and a half hours I'll be leaving for another public appearance... at Norwescon. I'm not attending the con itself, but Tonya of fetishwear.net asked Kaylee and I to model a set of matching suits for the fashion show tonight. I'm a Norwescon virgin, so this should be an interesting new experience at least.

It wasn't so very long ago that I would have shied away from both of these opportunities. I thought I needed to stay "in the closet" to protect my career and social status. I did adjust my career a little to make more space in my life for these things. Russell brought something up in the presentation at the university though that reflects pretty clearly my new prospective on these things. Society as a whole just doesn't care all that much what I do with other consenting adults. It's that vocal minority that we all live in fear of. The best way I've found to deal with them is just to be myself, happy and harmless.

Staying in place.

I had a nice walk to the clinic with Russell and then we sat down and waited...
Then Max showed up and we waited some more...
The majority of the staff was running around with that White Rabbit look in their eyes "I'm Late! I'm Late!"
We waited some more...
Jennifer, the amazing nurse of amazingness, eventually came out to lead us back to an exam room
Then she taped a light-weight metal ball to the lump in my back and sent me off for x-rays
I came back from the x-rays and Russell, Max, and I waited A LOT more...

Russell and Max must like me a whole awful lot, because neither of them is terribly comfortable staying in place for this long. We were all pretty tired and hungry by the time Dr. Williams made it to our room. So was Dr. Williams I imagine.

His first question was "Did I miss it?!" We have a mutual friend who spilled the beans about my SEAF entry and he was quite excited by this prospect. Clearly no segue was required to bring out the thank-you gifts. I presented the beautifully framed proof (thank you for all your help Robbie) and two pair of SEAF passes to a very delighted (if slightly harried at the end of his day) doctor and his nurse.

We didn't need to talk much about the x-rays or my progress because things are staying in place just exactly the way they should. The metal ball on my back confirmed that the hardware lump is the cross link and we can remove it easily enough, but it's probably best to wait until October or November. That creepy crunchy sensation people feel when I do my latest stupid human trick is a bursa that my body decided to grow over the hardwear to prevent wear and tear on the tissue around it. The human body is just freakin cool!

We discussed getting a masage therapy referral, but forgot to actually pass paperwork around at the end of the day. I'll call the office on Thursday and see about correcting that and make the next appointment for the beginning of July.

Oh! And!! I'll likely be cleared for Swing Dancing in 3 months! Yay! (yes all those exclamation points really are necessary)

Bondage Party

The point of this post is "I had fun at a party last night!" There are a couple of vaguely related to my back things in here, but for those of you who prefer to skip the sexier posts, you should come back tomorrow night when I post about my 6-month check-up scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

After a full day of work, I wasn't sure I really wanted to go to the Bondage is the Point party last night. But, I had a fantastic toy to show off so temptation overcame my lazy butt. It just so happened that the toy also makes a fabulous dress so getting gussied up to go out was quick and easy.

Let me just say that the Bodyhose is worth every penny of the $75 Russell and I spent on it. I'm not kidding about it looking like a fabulous dress. When Max arrived at the party last night he asked if I'd brought the toy, having no idea that the garment I was wearing was the toy. He had a very sweet reaction to my demonstrating the dress's... erm... versatility.

But better than being a fantastically stretchy dress, it's also is a great excuse to get up-close and personal with highly-attractive, mostly-naked people. This is a major win. Seriously, "I can fit two people in here." has proved to be the best pick-up line I've ever used. On top of that, you and said highly-attractive, mostly-naked person then get to be the center of attention while you wiggle and explore the possibilities inside the hose. Extra win if you're an exhibitionist.

Bondage night was not just about squirming around in a giant spandex tube. I also learned an exciting new way to seriously disturb people with a stupid-human trick. Apparently, if someone puts his or her fingers over the place where my cross-link sticks out and then I flex my back muscles, it produces an extraordinarily unsettling sensation. I admit, I do enjoy being able to freak-out otherwise unflappable kinky folks with the mere twitch of a muscle. *insert mental image of me hopping and giggling gleefully at the disgusted reactions*

Alright, time for the Women's Welcoming Committee.

6 Months

As of yesterday, it has been 6 months since Dr. Williams and company cut me open and put me back together again. It's remarkably hard for me to grasp this right now.

6 months?! Really?

Tonight's story actually goes back to just about a year ago.

I was kneeling in Max's dimly lit living room at the end of a delightful date trying to decide if it was time to tell him about my surgery planning process. We were certainly connected a year ago, but not so woven into each others' lives yet.

Sharing this would be crossing into much more intimate and explicitly long-term territory. It's one thing to bring chicken soup to a date who has a cold. It's entirely different to be invited into the preparation for major orthopedic surgery and long-term recovery processes. These are the kinds of reveals that put all that "I'll always be there for you" pillow talk to the test.

In reality there really wasn't a decision to be made so much as courage to be gathered. It's not like I was going to be able to keep this process outside of his awareness for very long. Even still, there's a difference between "I'm going to do this." and "Will you support me through this?" I was considering putting a lot out there on the line.

Then again, that's what we are about. I made a practice of offering him those fragile, vulnerable parts of myself from the beginning of this relationship. He accepted and used every bit of what I had to offer. This was just a slightly more sizable chunk.

So, with my head on his knee and his hand in my hair I screwed up the courage. I told him about my upcoming appointment and tried to present the situation in a way that allowed him to gracefully decline too much involvement without giving the impression that he was uninvited. Just as he had done every time before (and since), he accepted the invitation and held my vulnerabilities gently in the palm of his hand.



The books and bulletin boards I read when I started contemplating surgery all warned me of the impact it would have on relationships. There was this foreboding sense that some number of the people would fail and/or fall away when things got tough. I'm here to say that has not been my experience what so ever.

Not one single person turned away from me when I asked for help. In fact, I have the privilege of adding several people to my list of caring, supportive friends because of their willing involvement in my recovery process. Love has always been there for me, in whatever manifestation I needed it.

Bullet Round Update

Kinkfest: Yes, I went to Kinkfest. Russell and I only stayed for Friday and Saturday, but it worked out nicely for us overall. Here are some of the highlights.

• Quality drive time with Russell. We have some of our most productive idea sharing conversations on long drives like this.
  
• Our room was much better than the rooms we've had the last two years. (Turns out we were directly above Max and his family)
• Eating at Thai Noon. This is the most flavorful and friendly and nifty Thai restaurant I've ever been to. Russell and I were introduced to it during Kinkfest last year and it was definitely one of the big things we were looking forward to this year. Mango Sticky Rice!!!
• Being Max's. Conferences can be treacherous waters for poly families, there are A LOT of moving parts to keep track of in a very small and sometimes intensely loaded space. Fortunately everyone in our respective families plays nice and genuinely wants things to work out for everyone else. I am quite grateful to all parties involved for the time I was able to share with Max at this year's conference.
• Dangling above the ground from ropes for the first time since surgery. While the dangling portion of the scene was not the centerpiece of our scene in the dungeon, full suspension is a very notable recovery landmark. Max is a creative, talented man who had an intimate understanding of the risks and ways to minimize them. I'm not ready to let the rest of my friends with suspension bondage skills tie me up just yet.
• Good sex with Russell.
• Mo Williams' workshop on service. It seemed like this workshop was still in the development stages, but Mo is a fantastic story teller so that didn't really matter. It lacked detectable structure, but once I sat down to record the things worth remembering from the workshop I had a page full of notes and sound-bites.
• Sharing a snack picnic with a friend who also needed to avoid the hotel food. I was both happy to get chatting time with her and delighted that Russell and my preplanning paid off for one of our friends.
• Vendor fair purchase. Russell split the cost of one of these for me. Coming to a Grind near you sometime soon.
• One low-light: The drive home was in some spectacularly crummy weather. There was even snow for part of it.
  

SEAF (ok, mostly costuming stuff):

• I will be revealing the fact that the x-ray made it in to SEAF to my surgeon at the next appointment (about a week from now). I'm hoping to present smaller matted prints to him and his nurse as part of a thank you gift. I don't think they know about or read the blog, if they do I've just spoiled the surprise... oops
• I picked up an adhesive backless bra at Nordstroms on Thursday, insuring that the dress will fit better.
• Russell saw a test run of the dress and aproves.
• My budget for this event grew a little recently. Now I'm hoping to take the whole day before the Artists' Reception off to indulge in pampering and primping.

Physical/Medical Stuff:

• Lately I've been thinking "I could really go for a massage" but I'm not sure there are many massage therapists willing to work on someone with this much recently installed hardware. Most of the tightness is in my neck and shoulders though and that seems workable with a little information.
• The trip to Kinkfest also marked the longest drive since surgery, but that didn't cause any problems for me at all. (Hooray!)
• [edited to add] Oh, AND I made it to the gym the day after Kinkfest even though I had to work all day too. (last week's record wasn't so hot and I'm determined to get it moving back in the right direction)
  
• Overall, I feel pretty darn healthy and strong.
  

Oops, I poisoned Russell

Our tub was gross.

"Yeah right Red, you're a girl, what do you know about 'gross' bathrooms really?"

When I declare "Our tub was gross" I'm serious. There was a black ring around the white space where we stand to shower that blended off to a brown goo in all directions and up all four sides of the tub. I have wanted to soak in a warm fizzy tub for the last couple days, but could barely bring myself to stand in the shower long enough to wash my hair.

Let me put it to you this way: I am less than 6 months out from surgery, my back has been cranky the last couple days, and still getting down on my knees and leaning over the tub for an hour or so seemed like a completely reasonable measure to make my bathroom livable again.

So I traded out my PT exercise routine for a tub scrubbing this evening (complete with being mindful of keeping my core engaged and not twisting).

Just as I was finishing up, Russell appeared in the bathroom red-faced, runny nosed, and not entirely coherent. I was using a new eco-groovey, animal friendly, Seventh Generation Tub and Tile cleanser "Emerald Cypress & Fir" scent. Apparently, one of those earth-friendly botanicals has been identified by Russell's immune system as a terrorist and his body went in to serious allergic reaction mode.

The final score:

• The tub looks much better (not pristine by any stretch of the imagination, but better)
• I'm sore, but more like a good workout than bad choices
  
• Russell is recovering slowly thanks to modern anti-histamine technology
• I didn't get my soak tonight, but now the tub will be ready for me post-gym tomorrow.
  
• The cleaner, while effective and freshly scented, has been banned under the biological warfare treaty of the apartment.

Icing helped

(The cookie sundae also helped)
I'm now dealing with other obnoxious bodily functions (all of which fall into the category of TMI), but at least they distract from the what's left of yesterday's back soreness.

I'm heading to the gym in about an hour--more out of principle than any expectation of actually getting much of a work-out. I plan to be very gentle with myself. Lots of slow easy stretches, and I'm not going to fuss if my heart rate doesn't get up over 130 during my walk.

In Other News:
I have selected and purchased the gown for SEAF. It even meets the "White Tie" theme without looking silly on me. It's an ivory gown with ruched chiffon from the hips up (a very low back with chiffon straps that cross up high accented by a couple of removable rhinestone pieces) and a flowy stretch satin skirt that barely clears the floor when I'm wearing heels. Better yet, the $40 price tag means I have some budget left over for girly indulgences and a quality print and frame job.

Poly Anna Says:

Last night I seriously tweaked my back by (get this) rolling over in bed.
Poly Anna Says: Well at least it happened last night in bed instead of in the middle of a scene where more could have gone wrong and more people would have felt bad about the consequences. And hey, now you have a reminder that Yes, you are still in the healing process and not done yet.

My back is still killing me today. As in, all the way through the work day.
Poly Anna Says: Really, if your back was going to have a bad day, Sunday is really the best day of the week for that to happen. No one else is around to see you spacing out or demand your immediate attention.

I Say: Screw Poly Anna, I'm going out for a cookie sundae at Broadway Grill. Then I'm coming home and icing my back to within an inch of hypothermia.

A rare post from work

My back is killing me today.
bleck.

More later.

My favorite person of the moment:

Allow me to introduce you to Clayton. He has generously posted the thematic variations of each evening of SEAF for our costuming coordination and pleasure as conceived by Crushed Velvet. I don't know if I'll have the stamina for all three nights, but the idea of that much costuming fun might just do the trick. (small complain-y note: WHITE?! really? Talk about your wear-it-once costume. I'll give it a shot, but if I don't find something truly spectacular and white, I'm not afraid to buck the system here)

Clayton also recently posted a call for a SEAF stage manager. In much the same way that I failed to honestly consider my physical condition while offering to help Russell with his Flogging workshop by stunt bottoming, I couldn't resist asking more about this stage management position. I've been itching to get back into performance tech since before the surgery. I would love to get on board with a production like this some time, but I don't think this is the year to give that a shot. Waiting stinks. (In good news he also posted later that they found someone who is likely to be a very good match!)

In other news, for those following along with the healing/recovery time-line and experiences:
I'm not posting much about this lately because it has really become much less apparent in my life. I'm past 80%, but certainly not 100%. With the support of my family, I make it to the gym and work out 3-4 times per week (which is 3-4 more times per week than I did a year ago). I continue to notice little improvements in strength and flexibility, while trying to stay cognizant of using good body mechanics and not over-working my back. In other words, just because I can bend or reach something at an odd angle doesn't mean I should.

What am I going to wear?!

[NOTE: The trouble with electronic shopping and even more so with posting about it is that the things you really want to keep disappear. Several of the links don't work anymore because the dresses have been sold. Yay for the stores, sad for me.]


I had several other blog topics come up over the last couple days, but frankly electronic dress shopping is much more fun (right up until it drives one crazy).

So my question to you dear readers (all 15 of you) is "What shall I wear to SEAF?"
Here are my dream criteria:
Show off my back
Elegant/Classy styling
Complement at least some other feature of my body
Complement (or at least not hinder) my natural coloring
Looks good with and without Max's collar on my neck

And when I come back to earth I also add:
Less than $150
Wearable more than once

I have 8 tabs open in other windows with dresses of varying degrees of trashy, elegant, classy, and way too expensive. It is an erotic art show after all so a little trashy won't hurt, and honestly I'm more likely to wear some of the trashier ones to Grind at after a debut at SEAF.

I'm open to suggestions/links/feedback in the comments or by email if you feel so moved.

Here are my 8 current leading candidates after two nights of e-shopping:

• Let's start off with my Ginger Rogers fetish. This one doesn't go quite low enough in the back, but I love the color and overall style. Chances of wearing it again: pretty low. Price range: um, it's an investment?
  
• Next up we get a little slinkier but still quite formal. I'd be much more excited about this dress if it weren't for the necessary tie holding the shoulder straps together behind the neck. Chances of wearing it again: about the same as Ginger Rogers. Price range: who looks at price tags when they're browsing on line anyway?!
• Here's another by the same designer. The back is beautiful on this one, but I'm not sure my small bust can pull off that neckline. Chances of wearing it again: see above. Price range: cheaper than the other one by this designer.
• Alright I'll stop shopping at "Nordie's", but here's one last long gown. If I'm going to abandon Ginger Rogers, this is the way to go! Wow! I love the crossing and the cut on this one. I'd feel so grown-up in one of the dresses by this company. Truly, a sophisticated arteest. Chances of wearing it again: it's long, but I could pull it off at dressy house-parties I think. Price Range: It's E-Bay in the UK, I don't know where the price would actually end up.
• Well, if long is the problem, then here's the same back design as the one above in a much shorter skirt. The biggest danger here is buying a Red based on my monitor's interpretation of the color. It looks like a workable shade right now, but lord only knows what it will look like once it makes it's way across an ocean and a continent. Chances of wearing it again: pretty damn good. Price Range: see above.
• Another by the same company. It's a completely different feel to the style, but still classy and plenty exposed in the back. I really like it, but it's significantly more mature than I had originally planned on going. Chances of wearing it again: might be too warm for Grind. Price Range: see above.
• And now we have a backlash against mature clothing! Shorten the skirt a little and suddenly a dress very similar to the one just above becomes serious trashy fun. Chances of wearing it again: if not Grind, then maybe Bondage is the Point. Folks at the Wetspot know how to appreciate a good trashy outfit. Price Range: still unclear but likely cheaper than any of the other E-Bay choices.
• If we're going trashy, we simply must shop at the source of all the best trashy attempts at classy looks. That's right folks Victoria's Secret made the cut for a SEAF dress option. The pictures don't look too too trashy, but I'm guessing that's mostly a trick of the cameras. Also, there's that ugly string up at the neck again. Chances of wearing it again: if it looks good the first time it goes on, then I'm sure it would become a Grind staple. Price Range: it's so almost a reasonable price given my current income.
  

Yikes, it got late quickly!

Thanks Silver!

marriedtothesea.com

I'm still not being a grown-up about the SEAF thing yet. It didn't help that last night SOMEBODY managed to skillfully crank up the petrified excitement yet another notch with the following question:
"What will you wear to the artist's reception?"

(It's hard to be resentful of the increased anxiety when I'm so in awe of the masterful execution. Just because he didn't install that button doesn't mean he won't take great joy in pushing it now and then.)

They Like Me! They Really Like Me!

I found the following message in my in-box when I got home from the WWC meeting tonight:

Dear Red:
We are delighted to inform you that you have been selected to show in the 2009 Seattle Erotic Art Festival. Your work was one of 215 pieces chosen from 2,100 submissions we received from 530 artists in 38 states and 29 countries. Congratulations!

Squeeeee!!!!

I'm sure I'll have a more adult response to this later.

Robo-Red

I had an interesting experience at work today.

While walking down the very quiet hallway (I'm one of 3 people in the building on Sundays), I heard a muffled metallic popping sound.

I checked my pockets for loose objects.

I re-traced my steps to see if there was something loose in the floor.

It seemed to happen randomly, but only when I was stepping forward on my left foot. The obvious conclusion was something in my shoe must be making the noise. But I couldn't see anything stuck to the sole of my shoe, and it didn't happen every time I stepped on that foot.

**Hyperactive Worry-Wort Brain ENGAGE!!**

The noise was not entirely inconsistent with something a loose piece of hardware might make. I couldn't feel anything in my back, but there are still significant portions of my back that are numb. Oh, and now that I'm thinking about it I do feel a little more tender in my lower left quadrant...

Clearly I needed to text people about this right away!

Russell, being the clever level-headed boy that he is, suggested I try walking around with my shoes off. I was having a perfectly beautiful freak-out and he interrupts it with logical problem solving. Boys!

I took my shoes off for as long as I could stand it (I am so not one of those freedom-for-feet kind of people) and the sound didn't happen again until I put the shoes back on. While not conclusive evidence, it still seems much more likely that my shoe is responsible for the noise and not my back.

Kaylee called me back later this evening to confirm that I was not in fact turning into "Robo-Red" (hence the post title).
Clearly not.
*cough*
Please comment on my post. You have 20 seconds to comply.

Of Breeding and Cookie Baking

Relax friends and loved ones, I haven't fallen prey to the biological clock, but I do have some observations.

I work in a place that sometimes puts me in direct contact with crumb crunchers and their parents. I've been avoiding this part of my job since surgery, but today I felt strong enough to give it a shot again. (I was wrong) I found myself in a position that required I pick up a small munchkin to insure his safety. If my physical therapist is reading this she'll be happy to know I used all the good body-mechanics we discussed in the process. He was probably less than 25 pounds so not entirely out of my range of ability, but women tend to carry babies differently from laundry baskets. The maternal instincts that forced me to toss him on one hip did me in.

Which brings me to my suggestion for adult women considering this surgery. It's all about timing ladies! Either have the surgery once your children are old enough to understand why you can't pick them up (age 5 or 6), or have the surgery before breeding. Picking up babies 5 months post-op is really really really tempting and, in my first-hand experience, a very bad idea.

My job has also prompted a round of cookie baking tonight. We're having a kind of open house in our building tomorrow and everyone is bringing some kind of treat. My contribution will be Oatmeal Butterscotch and Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies (eta: the recipe link). This is the first time I've made these cookies in over two years. I used to refer to them as the cookies of death. However, since I'm hoping that I'll bake enough cookies to have a few left over for Skippy's memorial on Thursday, I'm hesitant to broadcast the nickname too loudly. Nickname or no, just the act of baking these cookies is comforting to my mixed-up emotions. I must be getting old, somebody died and I have a very strong urge to bake a casserole in a transportable container. (I don't even EAT casserole, much less know how to cook it)

PS. If say someone were to drop by before I go to work tomorrow, he or she might be able to snag a very fresh, very tasty (Russell approved) cookie. There's oatmeal in the cookies so they count as breakfast...right?!

First death in the family.

Today I am faced with the first death of a member of my extended chosen family.

Skippy was one of those ever-present people in my community. While by no means an angel, he did a lot of good work and shared a caring supportive word with countless numbers of people who walked through the doors of our community center.

Even though we never played, we grew up in this community together. We got to watch one another's successes and mistakes and provide support no matter what. From quick playful words to surprisingly poignant conversations, from much-needed massages to temporarily taking over EC duty when I simply couldn't resist getting naked on the dance floor, I will treasure my memories of this mercurial man.

I'm still in shock, just 24 hours ago we were sharing hugs and discussing the transfer of surplus cold packs to soothe my surprisingly sore back.

To any of my family who may also be reading this and missing Skippy, perhaps you will find this post by a stranger helpful.

Last PT Appointment

Today was the final Physical Therapy appointment (for now).

My therapist for the last month and a half was a delightful chatty open-minded woman. She kept asking questions even after noting my verbal traffic cones around certain subjects, so I have been fairly open with her. Our last appointment was just hours before Bang for the Buck, and she knew about my plans for that night. When I got there today, I even showed her the slide show (pausing the action before the last two slides for public decency's sake). Curiously, even knowing about my poly relationships and sex-positive club, the traffic cones she carefully avoided were the ones that may have led to discussion of kink. When I mentioned that the sore spot in my back today was likely from some athletic time in bed, she didn't ask for any more details.

Once we got back to the task at hand, she made note of significant increase in muscle and definition in my upper back. She joined me in celebrating my first successful attempt at putting sheets on a bed in over 4 months. She sent me home with several exercises that can be scaled up as I continue to get stronger. She also said it would be okay to start working on some of the weight machines at the gym.

With Max's continued support, I seem to be doing well with the exercises and increased activity. I'm pretty optimistic about where I'll be in a few months.

Feeling good post-gym

I've made it to the gym 3 of the last 4 days. Tonight I'm feeling really good. Really really good. The muscles in my back feel strong and active, and the rest of my body is quite happy about the additional moving around. Even more than the physical, I'm feeling really good emotionally. I'm full of gratitude for the people at the forks in the road that brought me here today.

• To Dale who has provided quiet reassurance and friendly, loving perspective for nearly 10 years of this journey
• To Ernie who escorted me to my first play party and proved that not all the people one meets via the internet are psycho killers (even if they do suggest you meet them in a foreign country and attend a secret-ish event).
  
• To Seawandrr and Opium who opened their home and hearts to me and introduced me to so very many wonderful things about the kink community--including many of the people mentioned below
  
• To Bob whose love pulled me away from my cabin in the woods and into the big city permanently
  
• To Cat Tailor whose love, wisdom, wit, and passion helped me through the toughest parts of my Saturn Return
  
• To Maven whose love, patience, and honesty gave me the courage to change
• To Russell whose gifts are far too many to list here
• To Lauren who decided I was family
• To Kaylee who became the exception to most of my rules
• To Lorelie whose life has woven across mine some remarkable ways
  
• To Max who saw and accepted my offering
• To the friend of a friend whose short conversation with me gave me the confidence to quit poking around for second opinions and just do it
• To all the health-care professionals I've worked with over the last year every one of whom respected my honesty and encouraged my active participation in my own health-care
  
• To my employer who allows me to be honest about my way of life and provides kick-ass health benefits
  

It's hard to play the what-if game with one's history, but I'm quite certain that I'd be a very different person in a very different place were it not for each and every one of the people listed above. I look at this list and see many more people that I could fill in. My life is completely blessed by love and generosity. The people not listed here are no less important to the path I've wandered to get where I am today, I hope they know that too.

Slide Show

The link you've all been waiting for:
Kaylee and Red's (un)Dress Rehearsal
If you must be warned that this isn't work safe you're really beyond help.

Life is really good for me right now.
Healthy body,
Happy family,
Room to grow and the means to do it.

Bang for the Buck Report

Lorelie wrote up a nice over-all review of the night, so I'll lazily say "What she said" to my general impressions of the evening. And let me just say, my inseam was no where near as lucky as Lorelie's. I came home with one purple cock ring. Seriously?! What the hell am I supposed to do with that? (I have much too strong a sense of self-preservation to approach either of my penis-equipped partners with it.)

Kaylee and I were all business about getting ready from about 3:30 on. This makes for a very long evening.
I want to pause here to consider that Kaylee and I were only preparing for one 2-minute act in a much longer show and event. The organizers of Bang for the Buck are nothing short of goddesses for being able to set-up, run, and break-down this epic event while exuding fabulousness from every pore. I hope they were treated accordingly for the rest of this weekend.
We were costumed in time to do a run-through with our friend Travis to document our escapades. (someday he'll get me a disc with the pictures and I'll post them for you) Then quick out of those costumes and into our cover-costumes. I believe we only made 3 failed attempts for the door before we had everything we wanted with us. Lorilie already mentioned the epic traffic that would have made Kaylee and I late if it hadn't also affected everyone else. As it turned out, we were some of the first to arrive. Which meant we were also one of the first acts on the list.

Several nerve-wracking delays later, our song came on. And out we stepped in our perfectly ridiculous slutty engineer outfits. We had a blast, the audience had a blast and I got to show off my scar in a big way. Our fabulous MC, Miss Indigo Blue, kept referring to the many amazing "back stories" of the dancers on the stage without calling any out specifically. I'm not sure if she knew the whole of my back story or not.

It was great to see people I hadn't seen in a while and hear how impressed they were with my energy and mobility. It would not have happened that way without the support of my friends and family. I'm incredibly grateful for all the supportive words and energy I received along the way to that night. You all bless my life!

I owe y'all a Bang report.

I also owe Max a PT report, and frankly he comes first.

Bang for the Buck Reminder

LADIES: If you are anywhere within driving distance of the club tonight, get thee to The Bang! (Even if you're "not into girls" this party is an absolute blast. Think slumber party gone really really wild...with fewer PJ's and more silly dancing.)

Gentlemen and Out-of-State Voyeurs: Thanks to a very generous photographer friend, you will at least get a taste of the act Kaylee and I have planned. We will be doing a quick dress rehearsal before we head down there this evening, and he has graciously agreed to take a few pictures during the rehearsal. Poor guy, alone in a room with two spirited redheads obligated to watch closely as they take their clothes off repeatedly.

Kaylee's a Keeper

My back is chronically sore for the first time in a while. That's not what this post is about.

This post is about Kaylee and her awesomeness.

She conspired with Max to surprise me with a full day of yumminess on Monday. As is my nature, I did not exactly make it easy for her. I'm often one of those people who can see surprises coming long before they're supposed to. If I don't see them coming I have an uncanny ability to create scenarios in which the person is forced to reveal the surprise before they want to.

When I woke up, I thought my Monday was going to be a slow morning followed by noon brunch and girly stuff with Kaylee and concluded by a dinner with Max. I wanted to be able to squeeze in some gym time between the two dates, so I called Kaylee to see if we could move brunch up a little earlier and possibly eat in to save money. She seemed a little resistant to a change in plans, probably because she wasn't as awake as I was, and this didn't seem like the kind of thing worth pushing.

When she got to my place to pick me up, we did our usual doddling and pestering of Russell before leaving. Then as I was getting in the car Max appeared out of nowhere! At first I assumed this was a conicidence. I figured he parked near my place to go to one of the meetings he had planned for the day. THEN he got in the car with us.

The three of us had a very nice mellow day together. Kaylee and I ate silly quantities of sweet breakfast foods at brunch. We walked through a lake-side neighborhood. Then we headed back to Max's place and spent some nice quiet time in front of a fire enjoying each other's company. A truly delightful surprise.

In addition to being unbelievably cute, Kaylee is also the sweetest most loving girl I know. The joy she takes in seeing her loved ones happy is truly compelling. She's a bundle of creative energy that expresses itself in a myriad of sparkly ways. She's also extremely smart and highly capable. Kaylee's a keeper.

Landmarks

Landmarks of recovery just keep racing up on me lately.

Bondage-focused scene with Max: Check
Working a 40-hour week: Check
Scrubbing the tub so I could take a girlie bath: Check
Passing muscle tests at physical therapy: Check
Submitting "Art" to SEAF: Check
Dancing at Bang for the Buck! (even though it's coming up a month earlier than I'd expected): Obviously I can't check this off quite yet, but I'm pretty confident in my ability to drop my drawers in less than two minutes without falling on my butt or otherwise hurting myself. This is a really big one for me folks. I pinned this goal to my wall very shortly after deciding to have this surgery. It was so much fun last year I started planning for it with Kaylee the morning after the event. I think the only thing that having a month less time to prepare physically will affect is my footwear. I'm just not ready for the risks of 6" spike heels yet. Fortunately, we have this covered.

The 80/20 Rule

In my favorite class from grad-school ever ("Non-profit Management" of all things), I was introduced to the 80/20 rule. Essentially, when one embarks on a sizable task a vast majority (say 80%) of the progress is made during the initial piece (say 20%) of time and energy invested. This was used in the context of starting up non-profits and exercising. Part of the point of the discussion was to evaluate whether 80% was enough to meet the needs of the initial project thus freeing up a significant chunk of time and energy for other projects. It's hard for perfectionist, control-freaks like myself to grasp, but sometimes "good enough" is really truly "good enough" Other times though that 20% of change and improvement has a big enough over-all impact to merit the 80% energy investment.

At three months after surgery I feel like I'm 80% percent back. I can work full days, I can shake-it at Grind, and now Max can safely tie me up again. Basically, all systems are go.
So what might I spend the next 80% of my time and energy working to accomplish?
Growing a back bone (literally), regaining muscle, training my body to be flexible in different ways, increasing stamina, and other boring, slow-changing stuff. Also safely supporting my body while in full suspensions, picking on Kaylee until she wears out before me, wrestling with Russell, and swing dancing. Those are all things that fell solidly into the "not sure if I'll get them back" category when I started this journey, but I think well worth the effort.

And honestly, if I can get into this (NSFW) position just three months after being barely able to walk down the hallway, I don't see any reason not to keep going forward.

The Three-Month Check-up

When your surgeons are so proud of themselves they want to bring in other members of the practice to show you off during your appointment, it's a pretty good sign things are going well.

We established that the thing poking prominently out of my back is probably a cross-link, (one of two pieces that attach my two longer rods together to keep them from tipping to the side). Since I'm young enough and strong enough, I probably only need one cross-link to stabilize the fusion. Dr. Williams gave me the option of going in and removing it right away. He estimated it would be a 1-hour surgery with one night stay in the hospital. Much less traumatic than the original surgery. However, the original surgery is still very fresh in my memory. So long as it's only a cosmetic nuisance, I'm quite happy to leave it in until I'm at least a year out from surgery.

My nerve explosions/phantom piercings were a mystery to the doctors. Not a concerning mystery, just one of those things that doesn't have an exact cause and will probably go away with time. Since my mom (who had scoliosis surgery 44 years ago) has been living with them alright for as long as I can remember, I'm not too concerned.

I also got permission to return to work full-time, so today was my first full day of work since the end of September. This is the calm-before-the-storm season for my job so working full-time isn't really necessary. The good news is, I can stop sucking the paid leave resources dry and I'm not overwhelmed with high-impact duties. The less good news is I'm at a loss for what to do during the extra couple hours.

Nerve Explosions!

There's something about the way nerves grow back or die off completely that I don't fully understand. It results in sudden, sharp, tingling sensations that my mom calls nerve explosions. In mixed or vanilla circles that seems like a pretty apt description to me.

Given my more recent experiences, I'm inclined to describe them to members of the kink community as phantom piercings.

Imagine if you will my kinky friends, someone sneaks up behind you and pops a needle in your back--no warning, no warm-up, just wham-o. Sometimes this imaginary sadist just pops it in and leaves it alone, the sensation fades pretty quickly and you can pretend like nothing happened. Other times though the person decides to twist it and push on it for a minute or two requiring that you explain to the rest of the room why you're making that particular face and breathing funny. It would be much more entertaining if everyone else could see the glee on imaginary sadist's face too.

For some people this is just a passing phase of the recovery, for others it's a constant annoyance that never goes away. I'm not sure which way things will turn out for me, but right now they seem to be increasing in both frequency and intensity. What fun!