But this wasn't on the agenda...

Let's talk a little bit more about that job. First off given the nature of the job and the nature of this blog, I'm going to be a little vague about the job so as not to spook the potential employers should they accidentally happen across a description of their job posting here. That's not to say that I'm actively presenting a polished puritan persona either. (My resume lists my volunteer work without shady acronyms.)

What I feel like chatting about though is the slow and steady way the idea of actually moving south and doing this job keeps wheedling its way into my brain. I had a friend/mentor remind me that the choice to take the job is not in fact a lifetime commitment. She took a job up in the Alaskan bush once holding to the philosophy that she could do anything for a single school year. This little bit of wisdom was precisely the growing condition my seed of a wish needed to grow into a full-blown desire.

That desire requires a lot of creative thinking though. This is where the scene from Princess Bride where Inigo rattles off a litany of obstacles to the recently mostly-dead Wesley pops vividly to mind. Rather than storming a castle though I'm looking at returning to an abandoned passion and moving 800 miles away from my family. The Inigo in my head sounds a little like this "I'll say. First, how do we get the job. Then once we get the job, how do we plan the exit strategy for the current job, and how do we afford to live in the new city, and how do we prepare to enjoy life without seeing family every night of the week, and how do we find the right place to live, and how do we decide how much to take with, and how do we avoid/productively deal with the challenges that made us abandon the passion in the first place, and how do we reassure family that everything will be just right and..." Eventually Fessig breaks in reminding us that we haven't even heard back about the cover letter yet.

Sigh...

What's This? A Post?!

When one goes for more than a month without posting, things (a.k.a. huge fucking deals at the time) get boiled down to bullet points. In no particular order (not even chronological) here's my list:

• I'm exploring a whole different kind of loving with an amazing super-wonderful couple full of joy and wisdom. It isn't exactly NRE for me, but the kind of peace and pleasure I feel when we make time for one another is no less delicious.
• I just (as in moments ago) sent in an application to a job 800 miles away from where I'm living now. I'm especially enamored of the idea of this job. I've decided to put off the realities of moving until it's actually time to worry about it.
• I've now done two different dance performances at LRS. It's a lot of fun and if you are female and want an encore of my most recent performance with Kaylee, you should come to Bang 4 the Buck.
• About 6 years ago I started attending a local New Thought type church. I've been attending ever since with varying degrees of commitment and regularity. This whole time I've been avoiding "drinking the kool-aid" and taking their foundations class. I just went to the first session of that class tonight. There's a lot more to this and it will likely be a source for longer blog entries in the near future. Prepare for the "Woo-woo"
• I had some bumpy spots in some of my poly relationships over the course of the last two months. They pretty much all boiled down to: communication, logistics, and invalid comparisons. Again, there may be more details later.

Feeling good post-gym

I've made it to the gym 3 of the last 4 days. Tonight I'm feeling really good. Really really good. The muscles in my back feel strong and active, and the rest of my body is quite happy about the additional moving around. Even more than the physical, I'm feeling really good emotionally. I'm full of gratitude for the people at the forks in the road that brought me here today.

• To Dale who has provided quiet reassurance and friendly, loving perspective for nearly 10 years of this journey
• To Ernie who escorted me to my first play party and proved that not all the people one meets via the internet are psycho killers (even if they do suggest you meet them in a foreign country and attend a secret-ish event).
  
• To Seawandrr and Opium who opened their home and hearts to me and introduced me to so very many wonderful things about the kink community--including many of the people mentioned below
  
• To Bob whose love pulled me away from my cabin in the woods and into the big city permanently
  
• To Cat Tailor whose love, wisdom, wit, and passion helped me through the toughest parts of my Saturn Return
  
• To Maven whose love, patience, and honesty gave me the courage to change
• To Russell whose gifts are far too many to list here
• To Lauren who decided I was family
• To Kaylee who became the exception to most of my rules
• To Lorelie whose life has woven across mine some remarkable ways
  
• To Max who saw and accepted my offering
• To the friend of a friend whose short conversation with me gave me the confidence to quit poking around for second opinions and just do it
• To all the health-care professionals I've worked with over the last year every one of whom respected my honesty and encouraged my active participation in my own health-care
  
• To my employer who allows me to be honest about my way of life and provides kick-ass health benefits
  

It's hard to play the what-if game with one's history, but I'm quite certain that I'd be a very different person in a very different place were it not for each and every one of the people listed above. I look at this list and see many more people that I could fill in. My life is completely blessed by love and generosity. The people not listed here are no less important to the path I've wandered to get where I am today, I hope they know that too.

The Three-Month Check-up

When your surgeons are so proud of themselves they want to bring in other members of the practice to show you off during your appointment, it's a pretty good sign things are going well.

We established that the thing poking prominently out of my back is probably a cross-link, (one of two pieces that attach my two longer rods together to keep them from tipping to the side). Since I'm young enough and strong enough, I probably only need one cross-link to stabilize the fusion. Dr. Williams gave me the option of going in and removing it right away. He estimated it would be a 1-hour surgery with one night stay in the hospital. Much less traumatic than the original surgery. However, the original surgery is still very fresh in my memory. So long as it's only a cosmetic nuisance, I'm quite happy to leave it in until I'm at least a year out from surgery.

My nerve explosions/phantom piercings were a mystery to the doctors. Not a concerning mystery, just one of those things that doesn't have an exact cause and will probably go away with time. Since my mom (who had scoliosis surgery 44 years ago) has been living with them alright for as long as I can remember, I'm not too concerned.

I also got permission to return to work full-time, so today was my first full day of work since the end of September. This is the calm-before-the-storm season for my job so working full-time isn't really necessary. The good news is, I can stop sucking the paid leave resources dry and I'm not overwhelmed with high-impact duties. The less good news is I'm at a loss for what to do during the extra couple hours.

Feeling a little screwed

I had my second post-op appointment yesterday. In which I got to point out a discovery I made Sunday night: one of the screws can be easily felt through the skin on my back. I've now been prescribed physical therapy to build up the muscles in my upper back hoping that we can hide it. The other option is to open me up again and take the screw out. Hard work resulting in strong shoulders and a pretty back or more surgery resulting in more time out of work and another scar...hmmm let me think about that for a minute. Honestly, I've never had strong shoulders, disturbingly flexible yes, but strong no. Historically I've been more than a little lazy when it comes to exercise for body maintenance. Part of what I wanted to get out of this surgery journey was a little more dedication to actively taking care of my body. Time to start learning some new habits.

Shortly after the appointment my period started complete with debilitating cramps. I can't take anti-inflammatories because they'll slow the fusion. I only made it an hour and a half at work and quite possibly should not have driven myself home. When I got home to the only pain pills I can take, I took the maximum dose. I felt fine (if a little worn out) for about an hour, then slept for a couple more hours, then woke up and vomited my way through the rest of the night. I've been spending today coddling my cramps with non-chemical remedies and trying to properly apologize to my liver for yesterday's sin. I hope I can work longer days the rest of this week otherwise I'm going to need a lot more help from my coworkers than I thought.

Still getting better.

I put in a 6-hour day at work today and really wasn't tired or sore at the end of it.

Also, I got a full night's sleep that resulted in me waking up before 9 AM this morning.

The sleepful night may have been a result of the impromptu fun that kept me awake much too long on Monday night. Note the complete lack of regret in that statement please :)

I think I'll sleep and feel better more consistently if I start getting more exercise. The plan was to start water aerobics at the fancy gym a mile or so from work where I currently have a suspended membership. Trouble is it's really dark even when I leave work at 4PM right now, and I don't like getting wet, and I don't like wearing a bathing suit, and I don't know how the group of older heavy women would really feel about young little me dropping in on their class. I've avoided the gym all together because of this. The current plan is to drop the fancy gym membership and join the chain-gym that is 3 blocks from my house... still waiting on the follow-through for that.

Back to Work Report

Oh Em Gee my back really really hurts. I'm going to try resting for a little bit, but I'm not above finding my pain-med bottle again if this doesn't feel better soon.

So, besides the post-work back pain, how was it?
I got up later than I'd planned and with a tweak in my back. I seriously considered not going in today at all. Then I woke up a little more and just let things move at their own pace. By 12:30 I was ready to go give this whole office job thing a shot.

I wandered into my office where my office mate was fully embroiled in a writing project. We exchanged happy returns noises, but there wasn't the "Squeee! I'm so glad you're back!" reaction I was expecting. It wasn't a big deal as I know she loves me and there were plenty of people checking in and looking for tales. I didn't get much actual work done. I don't think anyone expected me to get much done today though. Most of the "work" I did today was simply remembering what my job is. I'm looking forward to actually accomplishing something tomorrow.

Tangent about sitting at the desk: Getting my chair adjusted was quite the little comedy. My boss has been using my workstation and she's considerably shorter than me. There were several aborted attempts to sit and/or adjust the chair. It requires a silly amount of core muscles to adjust an office chair. One of the reasons I know my office mate still loves me is she was quite gracious about helping with the chair.

I brought print-outs of the most recent x-rays to work with me and did a bunch of show and tell. More than once people asked "Were you wearing a necklace?" when they looked at the profile x-ray. This is where the long-held kinky tradition of smile and nod came in to play. It's not that I think there would be a problem if I explained more about the collar (my whole department knows I'm poly), I just knew that wasn't the conversation they were looking for.

Physically, I could have done better, but it could have been much worse too. After an hour and a half of sitting at my desk, I needed a walk. Even after the walk though, my back still wasn't happy about going back to the chair for long. I have to admit I'm a little surprised I was so exhausted after only three and a half hours at work. The pain when I got home was a lot more than I expected too. I'll be calling the Dr's office to have them revise the back-to-work authorization for fewer hours per week until the end of the month.

Now that I've had a rest (took a dinner break in the middle of typing this post), I can safely say I'm happy to get back to work. It's nice to have a little more routine and a few more people to talk to in a day.