Everything's a priority

Posted to another discussion board earlier today:

I mentioned a little bit ago that my life was full of lists as the surgery approached. Well, as common sense would predict, the lists haven't gotten any smaller really. It seems like the closer I get closer to the day the more stuff pops up demanding immediate attention. This is the kind of vanilla problem that mucks up the works for kinky lifestyles all the time. But this time it's happening to me and I want to whine about it a little.

Max and I have a precedent that I write a detailed reflective narrative after each overnight date. At first they were necessary for clear communication, then they were a tool for course correction, now they function as a verbal photo album. He can search through his archives of emails from me and dig up all kinds of little tid-bits to play with in other scenes. As you might predict, he was really clear about wanting one after our first long weekend together--so much so that he made time for me to make notes while we were still up at the cabin. Even with the set of notes though, it still takes about 4 hours to compose the kind of reflection I've become accustomed to giving about just one day and I had 4 to write about. I love writing these things because they give me a chance to relive the experiences while I'm trying to describe them to him. This was an absolute priority to get done. I got the first two days done in successive evenings at the peril of other deadlines and priorities, but then the rest of life just wouldn't be ignored anymore.

Work deadlines came home with me and overrode all other activities Wednesday night. The next night was dedicated to my last chance to dance at Grind for a while. Friday was swallowed whole with miscellaneous pre-surgery errands (half of which went unaccomplished). Yesterday I finally got some quality time with Russell, but half-way through the evening I got a "where-the-heck is the rest of your homework" email from Max. Max is a smart man, so that was really a rhetorical question. Intellectually he understood what was going on even before I told him, but that didn't change what a priority this project was for him. He's helping me make time to finish it up tonight, but that doesn't change the way my inner perfectionist feels about getting a "where-the-heck is it" email from my dominant. Surely it shouldn't be so hard to:

• prepare mentally and physically for surgery
• re-arrange the house for recovery
• prioritize the doing things that I will miss most during recovery (like walking in the woods and dancing at Grind)
• make quality time for Russell
• make quality time for Kaylee
• make more quality time for Max
• make quality time for my bio-family
• purchase all the weird little things I'll need for recovery
• clean the house
• make it to doctors' appointments
• keep my long-distance friends updated about life
• meet my work deadlines
• prepare my office and job to turn over to my (seriously overworked) supervisor for 6 weeks or more
• and write a standard detailed narrative of an awesome weekend

all before Wednesday morning. I mean, it's not like I didn't see this date coming for more than 3 months!

"Unrealistic" you say? "Ask for help" you say? Well yes, I agree on both accounts in principle, but sometimes I need to let my inner perfectionist throw a GradeA hissy fit before I can really put her back in the corner where she belongs. I'm wondering if part of all this list making is a subconscious attempt to force more time to appear between where I am and Wednesday morning. It's completely counter productive of course. I've talked many perfectionist/overachieving friends out of emotional trees by forcing them to tear up their to-do lists. It's a little more difficult to do that from the inside though.

The schedule takes another hit.

First of all, thank you everyone who took the time to comment on the last post.

As things get closer, I'm feeling less inspired to reflect and more information-oriented so here ya go:
I had a lovely weekend away.
I woke up this morning with a UTI (connect the dots there any way you like)
After much fussing and fretting, we've established that the infection will clear up in three days or so and I will be able to have the surgery even though I will have missed donating a second unit of blood.

Now I have those approaching work deadlines to deal with so I'll probably not be back here until Thursday night or Friday. (Maybe I'll have more yummy pictures to share though)

April 08 X-rays

Today was the day of getting little stuff done. In addition to basic domestic duties, I started yet another small health-insurance battle, completed a pre-admission form for the hospital, scheduled my pre-surgery haircut for tomorrow, rescheduled the trip to the fair previously planned for tomorrow, successfully donated a unit of blood, scheduled the final office visit with my surgeon, and picked up the digital x-rays from my April visit to Dr. Wagner at UW.

You may note the x-ray in the sidebar has changed. With much thanks to Russell who just happened to have magic software for reading medical image files, that's actually me over there now. The curves appear to be going the opposite direction of the original, but that's because they were showing them from the back instead of the front.

I've gone ahead and posted these under a link in case someone is feeling squeamish about pictures of bones today: Here is a very reduced version of my full length x-ray and a slightly closer view of just the torso (this is the same as the one in the side bar, only large enough for you to see).

Bleedin' Schedules

The first round of blood donation did not go as planned. On the up side, my hemoglobin
count was nice and high (15.3 on a scale where the acceptable range is 12-15.5). Unfortunately the phlebotomist did not stick the needle in quite right so I bled incredibly slowly. The nurse then came over and tried re-adjusting the needle (A LOT). Once again skills acquired while doing kinky stuff came in quite handy in a completely vanilla context--hooray for pain processing. After 20 minutes of having to stand by me and hold the needle in place to get any blood at all, she decided there was probably a clot in the needle and stopped the operation with less than half a unit gathered. The whole thing will go to waste now and rather than having 2 weeks between donations, I'll only have one.

In better news, my inner control freak is pleased to note I'm getting a bunch of my to-do list scheduled across the weekends in September.

• This weekend I had a delightful date with Max yesterday, a good walk in the woods with Russell today, and a Mom-visit scheduled for tomorrow.
• Next weekend is all about the spinny rides: I'll be doin' the Puyallup with friends on Saturday and then a very pretty lady will be stringing me up by a pencil swivle at the club Sunday night.
• The weekend after, I'll get in a pile of woods time. I'll be "camping" with Kaylee and a couple girls from work.
• The weekend after that is the long-awaited getaway weekend with Max.
• The Thursday after that (the 25th) I've arranged to stay at my local club after hours with a few friends to get video and possibly stills of the way I dance before surgery. I'll be sharing some of those here on the blog. The rest of that weekend will be dedicated to unstructured surgery/recovery prep.

In 12 Weeks

In 12 weeks, I'll be starting back at work again. I'll be through the heavy narcotics phase, and the struggling to walk to the bathroom phase, and the hospitalized phase, and the waiting to get this damn thing started phase.

Today though, I've only just started the making appointments phase. I have an appointment with Human Resources tomorrow to complete the paperwork for my leave. I'm making an appointment for a week from tomorrow to donate the first pint of blood for transfusions during surgery.

Now that I'm less than six weeks from surgery I feel a bit like a tiny collection of snowflakes the wind just rolled down a hill. Something tells me the perceived distance from October 1st is going to decrease exponentially rather than linearly. There's so much I want to squish in to this ever shrinking space of time. I want a high-quality hair trimming (I don't anticipate being comfortable in a shampooing sink for many months after surgery). I want to finish editing the shoot we have in the can for TwoBigMeanies. I want to get in a couple social-dance nights--waltzing and swing. I want to go on ridiculous spinny rides (at the Puyallup Fair and the Wetspot). I want to laugh hysterically with my friends. I want to walk in the woods. I want to make it to another Gina Sala chanting session. I want to amass a collection of videos, books, music, and audio books. I want to spend time with my parents and their respective energetic canine companions. I want to get video record of the way I dance at Grind. I want to actually accomplish a shoulder shimmy in belly-dancing class before I can't do it any more.

Less Than Two Months

Last Friday marked exactly two months until surgery. I spent a large portion of the work day thinking about what I would be doing two months from then and what I needed to do to prepare for the inevitable. I can't say that was the best use of my time and mental energy, but I will say I managed to do it without careening into a death spiral. Lately I seem to be dealing with it through a combination of dark humor, retail therapy, and reality checks. In a week or two I'm going to need to contact my surgeon's office and get the ball rolling on extended leave requests and blood donation scheduling. Right now I'm more about acquiring bedding that makes me grin and want to squirm around on the bed happily.

Also, as a side note, I'm considering introducing my massage therapist to the wonders of gags next week. What I interpreted last week as a typical reaction to kink information was actually just the way he talks all the time. The whole session was spent with him rattling on about how busy and stressful his weekend had been. Oddly, I had a much harder time releasing some of those tight spots in my back. Oh well, I have a whole week to come up with polite ways to say "STFU!"

Folsom Street Fair

Posted to LJ on: Jun. 5th, 2008 at 4:36 PM

Ok, now that the date is set I have a new question to contemplate.
Do I go to Folsom?
I scheduled the date after Folsom to insure that all my people would be around; not to create the opportunity for me to go. However, it does open up the opportunity.

Yays!

• San Francisco!
• Giant pervert party!
• Seeing friends in new situations!
• Playing in new places in new ways

Nays! Health risks that could impact surgery on October 1st:

• Air plane colds/flu
• Con stress
• Vacation diet
• Vacation sleep schedule
• Playing in new places in new ways

I'm more than a little tempted, but maybe it's better to hold Folsom up as the thing I go do to celebrate the anniversary of my surgery.

Jay Williams 2-in-1

Posted to LJ on: Jun. 5th, 2008 at 7:58 AM

The appointment I made for June 20th has been moved to today at 2:15. Russell and Max will be going in with me (can I even begin to talk about how blessed I am?).

I don't have my book right now so I'm glad I made notes in LJ earlier about the things I need to ask my surgeon.

Ok now I have 10 minutes to get out the door so I can go work distractedly for a few hours. I had an unexpectedly late night last night. Not bad, just schedule-altering.
Feeling: Loved but Rattled


Posted to LJ on: Jun. 5th, 2008 at 4:06 PM

The rescheduled appointment today went really well.
Things moved quickly and on time (I don't remember the last scoliosis appointment that took less than 2 hours from car door to car door).
My entourage and I asked good questions.
My surgeon and his nurse gave good answers.
As soon as the last major round of questions was done, I felt like I'd hit a wall and just wanted to curl up and take a nap (yay adrenaline crash).

The surgery will be on October 1st arriving at 5:40 AM (who needs anesthesia if you don't bother to wake up?) at Swedish Hospital's new orthopedic building. All other schedules will work backwards from this date.