While in free-fall, I've had a lot of time to readjust priorities and try different things.
About 2 weeks ago I broke out the old "PT Record" spreadsheet and renamed it "Exercise Menu" (as in, "Today I think I'll have a little from this column and a little from that column and a double helping of those."). I have a partner who is helping me with accountability and I send him a little summary each day. It's been a slow ramp-up, but I'm starting to feel neglected muscle tissue waking up again. I stretch and find different points of resistance. I lift things and feel sore, but strong.
But that's not the only kind of exercise. I've also been growing my heart, mind, and spirit. There have been some major shifts in a couple of my relationships and I've been trusting my spirit to handle them with grace and ease. Letting go without resentment takes a lot of practice, and even if I remember how that doesn't mean it's painless at the time. I'm waking up into a new shape of consciousness. I stretch and find different points of resistance. I make connections and feel sore, but securely connected to my Source. This life of mine is so very blessed.
Showing posts with label PT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PT. Show all posts
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Ha!
I made it to the gym again! Hooray! I'm a little surprised by how things have slipped away over the last 2 months... maybe surprised isn't exactly the right word... what's the word for being fully aware of potential outcomes but still solidly in denial until reality will no longer be refused?
Anyway, I got some good stretches in, did my PT before work and 45 minutes of cardio after work today. It feels good.
Anyway, I got some good stretches in, did my PT before work and 45 minutes of cardio after work today. It feels good.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Verdict
There was a lot of waiting involved in this "quick rush in" appointment. I'm pretty used to that with Dr. Williams, so I just rolled with it and was appreciative that he was willing to squeeze me in before the long weekend.
The bones and hardware are all still in place and in tact. I have some uber anti-inflammatories, and a script for more PT (pretty much what I expected). He offered massage and other pain blockers, but I declined. Really I just want to do something to make it feel better. I don't mind hard work or habit changing, but I'm not interested in covering it up and hoping it goes away.
Now, what was I going to do with my Friday again?
The bones and hardware are all still in place and in tact. I have some uber anti-inflammatories, and a script for more PT (pretty much what I expected). He offered massage and other pain blockers, but I declined. Really I just want to do something to make it feel better. I don't mind hard work or habit changing, but I'm not interested in covering it up and hoping it goes away.
Now, what was I going to do with my Friday again?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Personal trainer appointment: FAIL
I posted this note on a couple other networking sites today, and got some immediately protective reactions from my friends. Along with encouragement to keep trying and find another trainer.One should not leave an "orientation" appointment in tears (they were emotional tears as opposed to pain tears though those aren't good either).
I felt embarrassed, frustrated, and weak. I let my brain do the check-out thing I haven't let it do in a couple years. Oddly, the more checked-out I was the more positive feedback I got from the trainer about my form. If I could learn to use that willfully in a meditative state rather than reflexively in a survival state I might have something.
I'm going to go hide and pretend it didn't happen for a while.
The fail was mutual.
The trainer is still in school for this stuff and walked into our session scared shitless of fucking up my back (quite possibly because I handed him my latest x-rays--there's something about the image of 23 screws sticking into my spine that seems to get people's attention).
I walked in wanting some upper body and core exercises. He announced we were going to work on my legs. I failed to say, "No, we're going to work on what I want to work on because it's my time and I've been living in this body for the last 32 years."
He then failed to get information from me about what I've already been doing (or even that I've been doing it for the last 4 months in his gym). He made several wrong assumptions underestimating me in some areas and way over estimating in others.
I have a pretty thin shell and lots of hot buttons around athletics and physical fitness. I've toughened up significantly in the last year or so, but something hit me in just the right way to start the water works during the session. Really there wasn't much left for me to do besides drop into survival mode check-out for the duration. If you have any idea what it's like to relive memories of your self crying in middle school gym class you'd understand. There are some injuries we just don't forget.
Will I go back to the gym tomorrow? Yes
Will I work with a trainer again? Probably $omeday
In the mean time Russell has agreed to help me brainstorm a few exercises to add in to my routine to help keep me challenged and moving forward. I'm really fortunate to have a mindful, self-educated, gym-rat for a boyfriend *grins*
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Of Breeding and Cookie Baking
Relax friends and loved ones, I haven't fallen prey to the biological clock, but I do have some observations.
I work in a place that sometimes puts me in direct contact with crumb crunchers and their parents. I've been avoiding this part of my job since surgery, but today I felt strong enough to give it a shot again. (I was wrong) I found myself in a position that required I pick up a small munchkin to insure his safety. If my physical therapist is reading this she'll be happy to know I used all the good body-mechanics we discussed in the process. He was probably less than 25 pounds so not entirely out of my range of ability, but women tend to carry babies differently from laundry baskets. The maternal instincts that forced me to toss him on one hip did me in.
Which brings me to my suggestion for adult women considering this surgery. It's all about timing ladies! Either have the surgery once your children are old enough to understand why you can't pick them up (age 5 or 6), or have the surgery before breeding. Picking up babies 5 months post-op is really really really tempting and, in my first-hand experience, a very bad idea.
My job has also prompted a round of cookie baking tonight. We're having a kind of open house in our building tomorrow and everyone is bringing some kind of treat. My contribution will be Oatmeal Butterscotch and Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies (eta: the recipe link). This is the first time I've made these cookies in over two years. I used to refer to them as the cookies of death. However, since I'm hoping that I'll bake enough cookies to have a few left over for Skippy's memorial on Thursday, I'm hesitant to broadcast the nickname too loudly. Nickname or no, just the act of baking these cookies is comforting to my mixed-up emotions. I must be getting old, somebody died and I have a very strong urge to bake a casserole in a transportable container. (I don't even EAT casserole, much less know how to cook it)
PS. If say someone were to drop by before I go to work tomorrow, he or she might be able to snag a very fresh, very tasty (Russell approved) cookie. There's oatmeal in the cookies so they count as breakfast...right?!
I work in a place that sometimes puts me in direct contact with crumb crunchers and their parents. I've been avoiding this part of my job since surgery, but today I felt strong enough to give it a shot again. (I was wrong) I found myself in a position that required I pick up a small munchkin to insure his safety. If my physical therapist is reading this she'll be happy to know I used all the good body-mechanics we discussed in the process. He was probably less than 25 pounds so not entirely out of my range of ability, but women tend to carry babies differently from laundry baskets. The maternal instincts that forced me to toss him on one hip did me in.
Which brings me to my suggestion for adult women considering this surgery. It's all about timing ladies! Either have the surgery once your children are old enough to understand why you can't pick them up (age 5 or 6), or have the surgery before breeding. Picking up babies 5 months post-op is really really really tempting and, in my first-hand experience, a very bad idea.
My job has also prompted a round of cookie baking tonight. We're having a kind of open house in our building tomorrow and everyone is bringing some kind of treat. My contribution will be Oatmeal Butterscotch and Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies (eta: the recipe link). This is the first time I've made these cookies in over two years. I used to refer to them as the cookies of death. However, since I'm hoping that I'll bake enough cookies to have a few left over for Skippy's memorial on Thursday, I'm hesitant to broadcast the nickname too loudly. Nickname or no, just the act of baking these cookies is comforting to my mixed-up emotions. I must be getting old, somebody died and I have a very strong urge to bake a casserole in a transportable container. (I don't even EAT casserole, much less know how to cook it)
PS. If say someone were to drop by before I go to work tomorrow, he or she might be able to snag a very fresh, very tasty (Russell approved) cookie. There's oatmeal in the cookies so they count as breakfast...right?!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Last PT Appointment
Today was the final Physical Therapy appointment (for now).
My therapist for the last month and a half was a delightful chatty open-minded woman. She kept asking questions even after noting my verbal traffic cones around certain subjects, so I have been fairly open with her. Our last appointment was just hours before Bang for the Buck, and she knew about my plans for that night. When I got there today, I even showed her the slide show (pausing the action before the last two slides for public decency's sake). Curiously, even knowing about my poly relationships and sex-positive club, the traffic cones she carefully avoided were the ones that may have led to discussion of kink. When I mentioned that the sore spot in my back today was likely from some athletic time in bed, she didn't ask for any more details.
Once we got back to the task at hand, she made note of significant increase in muscle and definition in my upper back. She joined me in celebrating my first successful attempt at putting sheets on a bed in over 4 months. She sent me home with several exercises that can be scaled up as I continue to get stronger. She also said it would be okay to start working on some of the weight machines at the gym.
With Max's continued support, I seem to be doing well with the exercises and increased activity. I'm pretty optimistic about where I'll be in a few months.
My therapist for the last month and a half was a delightful chatty open-minded woman. She kept asking questions even after noting my verbal traffic cones around certain subjects, so I have been fairly open with her. Our last appointment was just hours before Bang for the Buck, and she knew about my plans for that night. When I got there today, I even showed her the slide show (pausing the action before the last two slides for public decency's sake). Curiously, even knowing about my poly relationships and sex-positive club, the traffic cones she carefully avoided were the ones that may have led to discussion of kink. When I mentioned that the sore spot in my back today was likely from some athletic time in bed, she didn't ask for any more details.
Once we got back to the task at hand, she made note of significant increase in muscle and definition in my upper back. She joined me in celebrating my first successful attempt at putting sheets on a bed in over 4 months. She sent me home with several exercises that can be scaled up as I continue to get stronger. She also said it would be okay to start working on some of the weight machines at the gym.
With Max's continued support, I seem to be doing well with the exercises and increased activity. I'm pretty optimistic about where I'll be in a few months.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Why is this working?
I’ve been quite good about the PT since Max agreed to help out. If you’re one of my scoliosis readers who doesn’t care so much about kink reflections come back later. This is all about me trying to figure out why the things in my brain that were getting in my way at first got out of the way when Max came on board.
The simple answer is “Because he asked me to.” but why does that work? What is this flavor of power I’ve given to him that makes it possible for me to follow directions in a way I never really have before? A more romanticized answer might be “Deep down I trust he always asks me to do the hard work but it’s always something I’m quite capable of doing.” Frankly, it’s not my inner romantic asking these questions. My self-possessed skeptic wants some answers.
Why didn’t I just do the exercises because the man I paid to design them for me told me to do them? I mean really; a confident, arguably sadistic, attractive, older man with professional interest in my growth and development gave me an assignment. What’s not to love about that? I think I simultaneously had too much and too little invested. Too much in that I wanted to impress him, and too little in that I didn't know whether it was going to do much good. I couldn’t find the happy just-do-it middle ground.
Why didn’t it work when I asked it of myself? My over-developed sense of responsibility and fear of failure got into direct conflict with my self-awareness. I have to do this because it's the responsible healthy thing to do, but if I do it wrong "something bad" will happen, and if I learned anything in my nearly 20 years in the education system it's that I'm no good at doing homework. There was no “one day at a time” in my head. I knew this kind of self-talk was a death-spiral, but there wasn’t anything I could do to talk myself out of it on my own.
Would someone else in my support circle have worked just as well? I don’t really think so. Living with Russell makes things like one-way accountability a little too messy, it's just not our style. For just about everyone else in my circle, there’s too much push-pull. My friends and family make a good cheer squad, but it’s not in their job description to give me directions and expect them to be followed. If I think for a moment that I can do less work/avoid the work all together without some kind of follow through on their part, I’m pretty likely do just that.
I don't feel that push-pull with Max. When he says, “Take care of yourself and don't get sick. And drop me a note after you do your PT tonight.” I know he doesn’t mean, “Drop me a line if you get around to doing PT tonight.” Nor does he mean, “Send me a list of reasons why you didn’t do your PT.” However, there’s also no implied reward or consequence in his original statement. That is perhaps the key and the most difficult part to dissect or explain to people outside my head.
My college acting class days come back to me as I ask myself “What’s my motivation?” To be good? To be pleasing? To merit praise? A little bit of “Good girl” or “I’m proud of you” certainly goes a very long way. But that still doesn’t quite feel like the reason. I do it because I get so much joy and fulfillment out of the dynamic Max and I have and following his directions however big or small reinforces that dynamic.
Suddenly, doing PT isn’t about paying in to a bank to insure future happiness. The simple act of choosing to do the PT actual creates happiness right there. I follow Max’s directions and get to feel a little more in service to him right in that moment. We aren’t in each other’s presence as often as we'd like so every time I get to serve him, whether he’s with me or not, feels like a little luxury to me.
Coming back to “Why does serving Max work better than any other approach at getting me to change my habits around doing daily PT?” I think the answer is that serving Max is an instant positive reinforcement. Every elementary-school teacher knows the faster and more frequent the positive reinforcement, the easier it is to change the behavior. Honestly, who needs cookies or stickers when you can start your day with a little service headspace? (Not that I’ll turn away cookies or stickers in addition to service headspace mind you *winks*)
The simple answer is “Because he asked me to.” but why does that work? What is this flavor of power I’ve given to him that makes it possible for me to follow directions in a way I never really have before? A more romanticized answer might be “Deep down I trust he always asks me to do the hard work but it’s always something I’m quite capable of doing.” Frankly, it’s not my inner romantic asking these questions. My self-possessed skeptic wants some answers.
Why didn’t I just do the exercises because the man I paid to design them for me told me to do them? I mean really; a confident, arguably sadistic, attractive, older man with professional interest in my growth and development gave me an assignment. What’s not to love about that? I think I simultaneously had too much and too little invested. Too much in that I wanted to impress him, and too little in that I didn't know whether it was going to do much good. I couldn’t find the happy just-do-it middle ground.
Why didn’t it work when I asked it of myself? My over-developed sense of responsibility and fear of failure got into direct conflict with my self-awareness. I have to do this because it's the responsible healthy thing to do, but if I do it wrong "something bad" will happen, and if I learned anything in my nearly 20 years in the education system it's that I'm no good at doing homework. There was no “one day at a time” in my head. I knew this kind of self-talk was a death-spiral, but there wasn’t anything I could do to talk myself out of it on my own.
Would someone else in my support circle have worked just as well? I don’t really think so. Living with Russell makes things like one-way accountability a little too messy, it's just not our style. For just about everyone else in my circle, there’s too much push-pull. My friends and family make a good cheer squad, but it’s not in their job description to give me directions and expect them to be followed. If I think for a moment that I can do less work/avoid the work all together without some kind of follow through on their part, I’m pretty likely do just that.
I don't feel that push-pull with Max. When he says, “Take care of yourself and don't get sick. And drop me a note after you do your PT tonight.” I know he doesn’t mean, “Drop me a line if you get around to doing PT tonight.” Nor does he mean, “Send me a list of reasons why you didn’t do your PT.” However, there’s also no implied reward or consequence in his original statement. That is perhaps the key and the most difficult part to dissect or explain to people outside my head.
My college acting class days come back to me as I ask myself “What’s my motivation?” To be good? To be pleasing? To merit praise? A little bit of “Good girl” or “I’m proud of you” certainly goes a very long way. But that still doesn’t quite feel like the reason. I do it because I get so much joy and fulfillment out of the dynamic Max and I have and following his directions however big or small reinforces that dynamic.
Suddenly, doing PT isn’t about paying in to a bank to insure future happiness. The simple act of choosing to do the PT actual creates happiness right there. I follow Max’s directions and get to feel a little more in service to him right in that moment. We aren’t in each other’s presence as often as we'd like so every time I get to serve him, whether he’s with me or not, feels like a little luxury to me.
Coming back to “Why does serving Max work better than any other approach at getting me to change my habits around doing daily PT?” I think the answer is that serving Max is an instant positive reinforcement. Every elementary-school teacher knows the faster and more frequent the positive reinforcement, the easier it is to change the behavior. Honestly, who needs cookies or stickers when you can start your day with a little service headspace? (Not that I’ll turn away cookies or stickers in addition to service headspace mind you *winks*)
Friday, December 12, 2008
Did it!
Tuesday night I posted about going to PT and the ridiculous gymnastics my brain did essentially avoiding the homework I'd been assigned.
Wednesday morning, they didn't happen either.
Wednesday night I was still afraid of the damn things and now they were safely buried under a pile of other things. On the plus side, I did get a bunch of other housework done in the process of running away from the exercises. Frustrated with myself, I finally asked Max for help. (Thanks Autumn for the reminder that I could do that)
Thursday morning I continued to avoid them in the name of "getting ready for work."
Thursday evening I dodged them again in the name of "getting ready for Grind." (Grind was nice by the way. I had a couple people I'd never met before come up and talk to me about the x-rays I posted. I danced a fair bit. I got some extra encouraging PT words from a very attractive friend. I snuggled with Russell and groped Kaylee a little.)
After Grind though I was very aware that some part of my brain was still keeping score of the PT avoidance and making sure I knew what a bad person I was. Fortunately Kaylee snuggles are extra good medicine for that kind of thing.
This morning I had other pleasant distractions and valid reasons to keep avoiding the exercises before work.
This evening Max sent me an email that was mostly about something else but with a little direct sentence about dropping him a line when I finished my PT.
Ding! All of a sudden I was willing to push away most of the other reasons not to start.
I didn't jump up and do them right away after finishing my typical come-home routine. There was a good 30 minutes of futzing and prepping and rearranging and... Eventually, I was alone in my bedroom with the door closed so no one could see my mistakes. And then... I started. By the time I was doing the last couple exercises I wasn't fighting myself so hard. I was just doing it. The trick now is to not think about whether I'll do them tomorrow. Tonight I just want to announce: I FINALLY did it! I deserve a cookie! (Conveniently, there was a bake sale at work today so I've already had my cookie fix)
Wednesday morning, they didn't happen either.
Wednesday night I was still afraid of the damn things and now they were safely buried under a pile of other things. On the plus side, I did get a bunch of other housework done in the process of running away from the exercises. Frustrated with myself, I finally asked Max for help. (Thanks Autumn for the reminder that I could do that)
Thursday morning I continued to avoid them in the name of "getting ready for work."
Thursday evening I dodged them again in the name of "getting ready for Grind." (Grind was nice by the way. I had a couple people I'd never met before come up and talk to me about the x-rays I posted. I danced a fair bit. I got some extra encouraging PT words from a very attractive friend. I snuggled with Russell and groped Kaylee a little.)
After Grind though I was very aware that some part of my brain was still keeping score of the PT avoidance and making sure I knew what a bad person I was. Fortunately Kaylee snuggles are extra good medicine for that kind of thing.
This morning I had other pleasant distractions and valid reasons to keep avoiding the exercises before work.
This evening Max sent me an email that was mostly about something else but with a little direct sentence about dropping him a line when I finished my PT.
Ding! All of a sudden I was willing to push away most of the other reasons not to start.
I didn't jump up and do them right away after finishing my typical come-home routine. There was a good 30 minutes of futzing and prepping and rearranging and... Eventually, I was alone in my bedroom with the door closed so no one could see my mistakes. And then... I started. By the time I was doing the last couple exercises I wasn't fighting myself so hard. I was just doing it. The trick now is to not think about whether I'll do them tomorrow. Tonight I just want to announce: I FINALLY did it! I deserve a cookie! (Conveniently, there was a bake sale at work today so I've already had my cookie fix)
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
PT Learning Curve
I had the first physical therapy appointment today and boy do I feel incompetent. Once again, yes I realize my feelings have no basis in reality, but there they are anyway.
Getting to the office and parking was extra fun due to construction in the area, but fortunately I had those annoying "first-time visit" forms filled out ahead of time. I was properly chastised for not becoming completely familiar with my insurance policy's coverage of physical therapy and then introduced to Mark the PT. We chatted for a bit and then he tested my "multifidus" which failed completely. I was prepared for weak, but this was completely non-responsive. We went over a few exercises to hopefully wake this little muscle back up. Then he had me on my side and started poking...nay prodding at my spine all along the fusion! The desire to reach back and clobber him was strong, but I'm a good little bottom so I just let him know it hurt and then tried to breath through it. The multifidus was not actually on the list of things Dr. Williams wrote on the perscription, so we weren't done when he'd finished the sadistic portion of our session. He gave me a couple more exercises for my upper back. I left with a pile of papers and just about zero confidence in my ability to accomplish any of it.
I have a whopping total of 6 exercises that will probably take less than 15 minutes a day to complete. Short of daily walks during recovery period, I cannot think of a single time when I successfully maintained a daily exercise schedule. This is a really big change in habit I'm asking of myself right now and today I feel like I'm not going to be able to do it.
Do I know anyone who does a daily routine? How did you start? How do you keep going?
Getting to the office and parking was extra fun due to construction in the area, but fortunately I had those annoying "first-time visit" forms filled out ahead of time. I was properly chastised for not becoming completely familiar with my insurance policy's coverage of physical therapy and then introduced to Mark the PT. We chatted for a bit and then he tested my "multifidus" which failed completely. I was prepared for weak, but this was completely non-responsive. We went over a few exercises to hopefully wake this little muscle back up. Then he had me on my side and started poking...nay prodding at my spine all along the fusion! The desire to reach back and clobber him was strong, but I'm a good little bottom so I just let him know it hurt and then tried to breath through it. The multifidus was not actually on the list of things Dr. Williams wrote on the perscription, so we weren't done when he'd finished the sadistic portion of our session. He gave me a couple more exercises for my upper back. I left with a pile of papers and just about zero confidence in my ability to accomplish any of it.
I have a whopping total of 6 exercises that will probably take less than 15 minutes a day to complete. Short of daily walks during recovery period, I cannot think of a single time when I successfully maintained a daily exercise schedule. This is a really big change in habit I'm asking of myself right now and today I feel like I'm not going to be able to do it.
Do I know anyone who does a daily routine? How did you start? How do you keep going?
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