I started exercising again

While in free-fall, I've had a lot of time to readjust priorities and try different things.

About 2 weeks ago I broke out the old "PT Record" spreadsheet and renamed it "Exercise Menu" (as in, "Today I think I'll have a little from this column and a little from that column and a double helping of those."). I have a partner who is helping me with accountability and I send him a little summary each day. It's been a slow ramp-up, but I'm starting to feel neglected muscle tissue waking up again. I stretch and find different points of resistance. I lift things and feel sore, but strong.

But that's not the only kind of exercise. I've also been growing my heart, mind, and spirit. There have been some major shifts in a couple of my relationships and I've been trusting my spirit to handle them with grace and ease. Letting go without resentment takes a lot of practice, and even if I remember how that doesn't mean it's painless at the time. I'm waking up into a new shape of consciousness. I stretch and find different points of resistance. I make connections and feel sore, but securely connected to my Source. This life of mine is so very blessed.

Gym=Blogging?

When I got home from the gym tonight and sat down to blog, I realized the last time I sat down to blog was also one of the last times I'd been to the gym. I don't think this is actually a causal relationship. I think it's more about the number of nights when I've had enough time and energy to do more than basic needs self-care. That's not to say that I've been all work and exhaustion for the last month. It's just when one has four key relationships to maintain in addition to adding another 20 hours a week in extra-curricular activities, time to reflect and focus on body awareness can slip to the side.

Good news is; I have more time now (including a 4-day weekend that starts tonight).

Ha!

I made it to the gym again! Hooray! I'm a little surprised by how things have slipped away over the last 2 months... maybe surprised isn't exactly the right word... what's the word for being fully aware of potential outcomes but still solidly in denial until reality will no longer be refused?

Anyway, I got some good stretches in, did my PT before work and 45 minutes of cardio after work today. It feels good.

Fly-by posting

Hi Kids,
Yes, I'm still caught up in NRE and not posting much in the way of thoughtful content. However, this post at least has a NSFW picture, and something recovery related.

First, here is a picture of the first post-surgery suspension Max and I managed to catch on camera. I will probably have more to say about this later, but for now, I'll let the pretty picture speak for itself.

In other news, I went to my first yoga class since surgery after work today. There's still a lot that I can't do, and it's a little frustrating that some of my favorite poses from before surgery are just out of the question right now. I used to love the twisty poses. Pre-surgery my spine was all about twisting and bending in bizarre directions. Now even the "relaxing" twists are... NOT relaxing. On the other hand, all those poses where the instructor reminds people to have a flat back, I'm set!

Ok, I'll be back... real soon now...

Oops, I poisoned Russell

Our tub was gross.

"Yeah right Red, you're a girl, what do you know about 'gross' bathrooms really?"

When I declare "Our tub was gross" I'm serious. There was a black ring around the white space where we stand to shower that blended off to a brown goo in all directions and up all four sides of the tub. I have wanted to soak in a warm fizzy tub for the last couple days, but could barely bring myself to stand in the shower long enough to wash my hair.

Let me put it to you this way: I am less than 6 months out from surgery, my back has been cranky the last couple days, and still getting down on my knees and leaning over the tub for an hour or so seemed like a completely reasonable measure to make my bathroom livable again.

So I traded out my PT exercise routine for a tub scrubbing this evening (complete with being mindful of keeping my core engaged and not twisting).

Just as I was finishing up, Russell appeared in the bathroom red-faced, runny nosed, and not entirely coherent. I was using a new eco-groovey, animal friendly, Seventh Generation Tub and Tile cleanser "Emerald Cypress & Fir" scent. Apparently, one of those earth-friendly botanicals has been identified by Russell's immune system as a terrorist and his body went in to serious allergic reaction mode.

The final score:

• The tub looks much better (not pristine by any stretch of the imagination, but better)
• I'm sore, but more like a good workout than bad choices
  
• Russell is recovering slowly thanks to modern anti-histamine technology
• I didn't get my soak tonight, but now the tub will be ready for me post-gym tomorrow.
  
• The cleaner, while effective and freshly scented, has been banned under the biological warfare treaty of the apartment.

Icing helped

(The cookie sundae also helped)
I'm now dealing with other obnoxious bodily functions (all of which fall into the category of TMI), but at least they distract from the what's left of yesterday's back soreness.

I'm heading to the gym in about an hour--more out of principle than any expectation of actually getting much of a work-out. I plan to be very gentle with myself. Lots of slow easy stretches, and I'm not going to fuss if my heart rate doesn't get up over 130 during my walk.

In Other News:
I have selected and purchased the gown for SEAF. It even meets the "White Tie" theme without looking silly on me. It's an ivory gown with ruched chiffon from the hips up (a very low back with chiffon straps that cross up high accented by a couple of removable rhinestone pieces) and a flowy stretch satin skirt that barely clears the floor when I'm wearing heels. Better yet, the $40 price tag means I have some budget left over for girly indulgences and a quality print and frame job.

Last PT Appointment

Today was the final Physical Therapy appointment (for now).

My therapist for the last month and a half was a delightful chatty open-minded woman. She kept asking questions even after noting my verbal traffic cones around certain subjects, so I have been fairly open with her. Our last appointment was just hours before Bang for the Buck, and she knew about my plans for that night. When I got there today, I even showed her the slide show (pausing the action before the last two slides for public decency's sake). Curiously, even knowing about my poly relationships and sex-positive club, the traffic cones she carefully avoided were the ones that may have led to discussion of kink. When I mentioned that the sore spot in my back today was likely from some athletic time in bed, she didn't ask for any more details.

Once we got back to the task at hand, she made note of significant increase in muscle and definition in my upper back. She joined me in celebrating my first successful attempt at putting sheets on a bed in over 4 months. She sent me home with several exercises that can be scaled up as I continue to get stronger. She also said it would be okay to start working on some of the weight machines at the gym.

With Max's continued support, I seem to be doing well with the exercises and increased activity. I'm pretty optimistic about where I'll be in a few months.

Feeling good post-gym

I've made it to the gym 3 of the last 4 days. Tonight I'm feeling really good. Really really good. The muscles in my back feel strong and active, and the rest of my body is quite happy about the additional moving around. Even more than the physical, I'm feeling really good emotionally. I'm full of gratitude for the people at the forks in the road that brought me here today.

• To Dale who has provided quiet reassurance and friendly, loving perspective for nearly 10 years of this journey
• To Ernie who escorted me to my first play party and proved that not all the people one meets via the internet are psycho killers (even if they do suggest you meet them in a foreign country and attend a secret-ish event).
  
• To Seawandrr and Opium who opened their home and hearts to me and introduced me to so very many wonderful things about the kink community--including many of the people mentioned below
  
• To Bob whose love pulled me away from my cabin in the woods and into the big city permanently
  
• To Cat Tailor whose love, wisdom, wit, and passion helped me through the toughest parts of my Saturn Return
  
• To Maven whose love, patience, and honesty gave me the courage to change
• To Russell whose gifts are far too many to list here
• To Lauren who decided I was family
• To Kaylee who became the exception to most of my rules
• To Lorelie whose life has woven across mine some remarkable ways
  
• To Max who saw and accepted my offering
• To the friend of a friend whose short conversation with me gave me the confidence to quit poking around for second opinions and just do it
• To all the health-care professionals I've worked with over the last year every one of whom respected my honesty and encouraged my active participation in my own health-care
  
• To my employer who allows me to be honest about my way of life and provides kick-ass health benefits
  

It's hard to play the what-if game with one's history, but I'm quite certain that I'd be a very different person in a very different place were it not for each and every one of the people listed above. I look at this list and see many more people that I could fill in. My life is completely blessed by love and generosity. The people not listed here are no less important to the path I've wandered to get where I am today, I hope they know that too.

The 80/20 Rule

In my favorite class from grad-school ever ("Non-profit Management" of all things), I was introduced to the 80/20 rule. Essentially, when one embarks on a sizable task a vast majority (say 80%) of the progress is made during the initial piece (say 20%) of time and energy invested. This was used in the context of starting up non-profits and exercising. Part of the point of the discussion was to evaluate whether 80% was enough to meet the needs of the initial project thus freeing up a significant chunk of time and energy for other projects. It's hard for perfectionist, control-freaks like myself to grasp, but sometimes "good enough" is really truly "good enough" Other times though that 20% of change and improvement has a big enough over-all impact to merit the 80% energy investment.

At three months after surgery I feel like I'm 80% percent back. I can work full days, I can shake-it at Grind, and now Max can safely tie me up again. Basically, all systems are go.
So what might I spend the next 80% of my time and energy working to accomplish?
Growing a back bone (literally), regaining muscle, training my body to be flexible in different ways, increasing stamina, and other boring, slow-changing stuff. Also safely supporting my body while in full suspensions, picking on Kaylee until she wears out before me, wrestling with Russell, and swing dancing. Those are all things that fell solidly into the "not sure if I'll get them back" category when I started this journey, but I think well worth the effort.

And honestly, if I can get into this (NSFW) position just three months after being barely able to walk down the hallway, I don't see any reason not to keep going forward.

Tid-bit update

I did get to the gym on the 24th. I walked too hard and wound up sore, but I got moving. It was good. I suspect I won't be back again until Monday. Oh well.

I have both PT and Surgeon's appointments on Tuesday. I'll let you all know how that goes.

While chatting with Russell about a workshop he's planning, I realized how easy it is to forget having had surgery. Unless one forgets completely about just having had surgery, offering to be a stunt-bottom/co-teacher for a flogging workshop in February doesn't make much sense. Oops.

Up till the last couple weeks, I haven't felt too much financial burden from this surgery. I work at an awesome institution that provides really good health-care benefits (I haven't had to pay a dime out of pocket since surgery). I also had been working there long enough to accrue enough sick and vacation time to cover the vast majority of the time I was out. However, with the icy roads and sidewalks keeping me home, I'm finally running up on the point when surgery causes money to be tight. Oh well, this is what I created a savings account for.

Being Housebound Again

Alright, That's It! I give up!

The snow is falling again. When this all started, I was willing to be patient. I was promised things would clear up and warm up this week. I'm looking out my window right now and it's neither clear nor warm out there.

If you live in Seattle, or read the blogs of other people who do, you're probably quite tired of reading about how irritated we are with the snow. I tried, I really truly tried to not blog about this. I considered only blogging on my personal journal, but the key to this post is actually scoliosis related.

I already did my shift of being housebound this year. I shouldn't have to do it again. In some ways this shift is worse than that one was.

After surgery people would come visit me, I had a fair amount of drug-induced sleep, but most importantly I could get out and WALK. Oh sure, I'm physically capable of going for a walk. The problem is high risk of falling down in bad ways with bad consequences. Even not falling down has its problems because those little body movements you do when you start to slip all involve fast, strong response from your core muscles.

How do I know this? Because I have tried to get out and walk. I live in a walking neighborhood. I'm a couple blocks from a bunch of restaurants and stores. Even though I haven't fallen, each time I've been out (Russell at my side in case of falls), I came back with a sore back from some stupid slip.

I'm thinking I may put on my new stompy boots (and some more clothing) and ask Russell to walk me to the closest gym so I can sign up for a membership. If I don't get some moving around soon it could be disastrous!

Why is this working?

I’ve been quite good about the PT since Max agreed to help out. If you’re one of my scoliosis readers who doesn’t care so much about kink reflections come back later. This is all about me trying to figure out why the things in my brain that were getting in my way at first got out of the way when Max came on board.

The simple answer is “Because he asked me to.” but why does that work? What is this flavor of power I’ve given to him that makes it possible for me to follow directions in a way I never really have before? A more romanticized answer might be “Deep down I trust he always asks me to do the hard work but it’s always something I’m quite capable of doing.” Frankly, it’s not my inner romantic asking these questions. My self-possessed skeptic wants some answers.

Why didn’t I just do the exercises because the man I paid to design them for me told me to do them? I mean really; a confident, arguably sadistic, attractive, older man with professional interest in my growth and development gave me an assignment. What’s not to love about that? I think I simultaneously had too much and too little invested. Too much in that I wanted to impress him, and too little in that I didn't know whether it was going to do much good. I couldn’t find the happy just-do-it middle ground.

Why didn’t it work when I asked it of myself? My over-developed sense of responsibility and fear of failure got into direct conflict with my self-awareness. I have to do this because it's the responsible healthy thing to do, but if I do it wrong "something bad" will happen, and if I learned anything in my nearly 20 years in the education system it's that I'm no good at doing homework. There was no “one day at a time” in my head. I knew this kind of self-talk was a death-spiral, but there wasn’t anything I could do to talk myself out of it on my own.

Would someone else in my support circle have worked just as well? I don’t really think so. Living with Russell makes things like one-way accountability a little too messy, it's just not our style. For just about everyone else in my circle, there’s too much push-pull. My friends and family make a good cheer squad, but it’s not in their job description to give me directions and expect them to be followed. If I think for a moment that I can do less work/avoid the work all together without some kind of follow through on their part, I’m pretty likely do just that.

I don't feel that push-pull with Max. When he says, “Take care of yourself and don't get sick. And drop me a note after you do your PT tonight.” I know he doesn’t mean, “Drop me a line if you get around to doing PT tonight.” Nor does he mean, “Send me a list of reasons why you didn’t do your PT.” However, there’s also no implied reward or consequence in his original statement. That is perhaps the key and the most difficult part to dissect or explain to people outside my head.

My college acting class days come back to me as I ask myself “What’s my motivation?” To be good? To be pleasing? To merit praise? A little bit of “Good girl” or “I’m proud of you” certainly goes a very long way. But that still doesn’t quite feel like the reason. I do it because I get so much joy and fulfillment out of the dynamic Max and I have and following his directions however big or small reinforces that dynamic.

Suddenly, doing PT isn’t about paying in to a bank to insure future happiness. The simple act of choosing to do the PT actual creates happiness right there. I follow Max’s directions and get to feel a little more in service to him right in that moment. We aren’t in each other’s presence as often as we'd like so every time I get to serve him, whether he’s with me or not, feels like a little luxury to me.

Coming back to “Why does serving Max work better than any other approach at getting me to change my habits around doing daily PT?” I think the answer is that serving Max is an instant positive reinforcement. Every elementary-school teacher knows the faster and more frequent the positive reinforcement, the easier it is to change the behavior. Honestly, who needs cookies or stickers when you can start your day with a little service headspace? (Not that I’ll turn away cookies or stickers in addition to service headspace mind you *winks*)

PT Learning Curve

I had the first physical therapy appointment today and boy do I feel incompetent. Once again, yes I realize my feelings have no basis in reality, but there they are anyway.

Getting to the office and parking was extra fun due to construction in the area, but fortunately I had those annoying "first-time visit" forms filled out ahead of time. I was properly chastised for not becoming completely familiar with my insurance policy's coverage of physical therapy and then introduced to Mark the PT. We chatted for a bit and then he tested my "multifidus" which failed completely. I was prepared for weak, but this was completely non-responsive. We went over a few exercises to hopefully wake this little muscle back up. Then he had me on my side and started poking...nay prodding at my spine all along the fusion! The desire to reach back and clobber him was strong, but I'm a good little bottom so I just let him know it hurt and then tried to breath through it. The multifidus was not actually on the list of things Dr. Williams wrote on the perscription, so we weren't done when he'd finished the sadistic portion of our session. He gave me a couple more exercises for my upper back. I left with a pile of papers and just about zero confidence in my ability to accomplish any of it.

I have a whopping total of 6 exercises that will probably take less than 15 minutes a day to complete. Short of daily walks during recovery period, I cannot think of a single time when I successfully maintained a daily exercise schedule. This is a really big change in habit I'm asking of myself right now and today I feel like I'm not going to be able to do it.

Do I know anyone who does a daily routine? How did you start? How do you keep going?

Scoliosis Support System: ENGAGE

Posted to LJ on: Apr. 16th, 2008 at 9:47 PM

I want to get my lungs, heart, arms and legs in shape for surgery recovery. I'm looking for regularly scheduled work-out partners (aka peer pressure pals). I have an offer from someone at work, but would delight in the opportunity to spend time with some of you while getting ready for this.
Here are some options I'm looking at:
Twice a week gym partner (this of course would also require I do something I've never done before...voluntarily walk into a gym)
2-3 times a week Greenlake walking partner (I don't run or use wheels)
Someone want to join me for my in-home yoga sessions with Autumn?
Someone want company in a studio yoga class?
Someone want to formally schedule a social dance night?

Intent is usually there, location and timing tend to be the buggers so here's what I have to work with:
(The schedule is no longer valid so I cut it off)