Why do we do it?

As is often the case, shortly after leaving the lecture hall post panel discussion I thought of several things I wanted to add/say differently.

Someone asked the ever popular "What do bottoms get out of this?" question today. Someone else on the panel had already touched on the gift of being forced into letting someone else take care of you. I tried to address that same idea from a different angle by talking about the joy in being treasured/prized. It was an alright answer, but not really the core of what I get out of bottoming most of the time.

The biggest release I get out of bottoming is permission to let go of my self-control. I'm not just talking about letting someone else be in charge and worry about the details (though that is nice), I mean really knowing that I'm in a safe place where my only responsibility is to let go.

I admit, I'm a responsibility junkie and I have a fucking death-grip on self-control. I like to think that I manage these character traits alright through a fair amount of self-awareness. But really, that's just another layer of self-control. If' I'm going to really start peeling back the layers of control, I'd like to know there's a safe container to catch all those pieces of me that I believe will go flying away once I stop holding on.

Sometimes that container comes in the form of having someone "force" me into things. If my partner can demonstrate enough control of the situation to force things, then my mind feels safer letting go for a minute. Those are hot, edge-pushing scenes like Russell and I did so often when we first started dating. They include a lot of back and forth pushing and trying to puzzle around or out of the situation along the way to the release of control.

Other times though it's not about force. The container comes from boundaries and goals built over a longer period of connection through intimacy and vulnerability. It is about pleasing my partner by being as transparent and raw as possible in our interactions. It is about knowing that he will accept whatever comes of those interactions as a gift and trusting that he will help me put myself back together again before we part.