I did get to the gym on the 24th. I walked too hard and wound up sore, but I got moving. It was good. I suspect I won't be back again until Monday. Oh well.
I have both PT and Surgeon's appointments on Tuesday. I'll let you all know how that goes.
While chatting with Russell about a workshop he's planning, I realized how easy it is to forget having had surgery. Unless one forgets completely about just having had surgery, offering to be a stunt-bottom/co-teacher for a flogging workshop in February doesn't make much sense. Oops.
Up till the last couple weeks, I haven't felt too much financial burden from this surgery. I work at an awesome institution that provides really good health-care benefits (I haven't had to pay a dime out of pocket since surgery). I also had been working there long enough to accrue enough sick and vacation time to cover the vast majority of the time I was out. However, with the icy roads and sidewalks keeping me home, I'm finally running up on the point when surgery causes money to be tight. Oh well, this is what I created a savings account for.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Being Housebound Again
Alright, That's It! I give up!
The snow is falling again. When this all started, I was willing to be patient. I was promised things would clear up and warm up this week. I'm looking out my window right now and it's neither clear nor warm out there.
If you live in Seattle, or read the blogs of other people who do, you're probably quite tired of reading about how irritated we are with the snow. I tried, I really truly tried to not blog about this. I considered only blogging on my personal journal, but the key to this post is actually scoliosis related.
I already did my shift of being housebound this year. I shouldn't have to do it again. In some ways this shift is worse than that one was.
After surgery people would come visit me, I had a fair amount of drug-induced sleep, but most importantly I could get out and WALK. Oh sure, I'm physically capable of going for a walk. The problem is high risk of falling down in bad ways with bad consequences. Even not falling down has its problems because those little body movements you do when you start to slip all involve fast, strong response from your core muscles.
How do I know this? Because I have tried to get out and walk. I live in a walking neighborhood. I'm a couple blocks from a bunch of restaurants and stores. Even though I haven't fallen, each time I've been out (Russell at my side in case of falls), I came back with a sore back from some stupid slip.
I'm thinking I may put on my new stompy boots (and some more clothing) and ask Russell to walk me to the closest gym so I can sign up for a membership. If I don't get some moving around soon it could be disastrous!
The snow is falling again. When this all started, I was willing to be patient. I was promised things would clear up and warm up this week. I'm looking out my window right now and it's neither clear nor warm out there.
If you live in Seattle, or read the blogs of other people who do, you're probably quite tired of reading about how irritated we are with the snow. I tried, I really truly tried to not blog about this. I considered only blogging on my personal journal, but the key to this post is actually scoliosis related.
I already did my shift of being housebound this year. I shouldn't have to do it again. In some ways this shift is worse than that one was.
After surgery people would come visit me, I had a fair amount of drug-induced sleep, but most importantly I could get out and WALK. Oh sure, I'm physically capable of going for a walk. The problem is high risk of falling down in bad ways with bad consequences. Even not falling down has its problems because those little body movements you do when you start to slip all involve fast, strong response from your core muscles.
How do I know this? Because I have tried to get out and walk. I live in a walking neighborhood. I'm a couple blocks from a bunch of restaurants and stores. Even though I haven't fallen, each time I've been out (Russell at my side in case of falls), I came back with a sore back from some stupid slip.
I'm thinking I may put on my new stompy boots (and some more clothing) and ask Russell to walk me to the closest gym so I can sign up for a membership. If I don't get some moving around soon it could be disastrous!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Thanks Lorelei
For my birthday, Lorelei gave me what is quite possibly the niftiest second-hand present ever. (link not work safe)
The boots, people, the boots! These are my very first pair of stompy boots ever. Hooray for gifted leather! Max took pictures of me wearing them for the first time, but I don't have those in my possession quite yet. I didn't think y'all'd mind a substitute picture for the time being.
They were a fairly gently worn second-hand store find that didn't quite fit her. To show my gratitude and affection, I promptly smothered them in Pecard Leather Dressing when I got them home. I may not have ever owned a pair of stompy boots, but between Russell and Max, I've had my fair share of boot care training.
I can't wait to wear them to the next Grind.
Perhaps you are saying "But what on earth does this have to do with scoliosis surgery?" (though more likely you stopped reading up at the second link) You've read mention of the difficulties of reaching one's feet after surgery already. Now visualize trying to lace up 20-hole Doc's with this same complication. And say, you did not have the foresight of Cadence to take all your clothing off before putting the nifty new stompy boots on. I had Lorelei's help for getting in, but then I needed Max's help to get back out. Max, with whom there is no ambiguity about our power dynamic what-so-ever, managed to find a very dominant method of unlacing those boots. Though I believe describing it may breach some kind of trade-secret agreement so I'll just have to leave that to your imaginations.
Edit: Here are my legs in my very first pair of stompy boots for the very first time.
Detail oriented people will note these are not precisely the same style as the ones you see on Cadence. The working theory is that this has to do with the "Made in England" seal on the bottom of my boots as opposed to most Doc's sold in the US which are now made in China.
The boots, people, the boots! These are my very first pair of stompy boots ever. Hooray for gifted leather! Max took pictures of me wearing them for the first time, but I don't have those in my possession quite yet. I didn't think y'all'd mind a substitute picture for the time being.
They were a fairly gently worn second-hand store find that didn't quite fit her. To show my gratitude and affection, I promptly smothered them in Pecard Leather Dressing when I got them home. I may not have ever owned a pair of stompy boots, but between Russell and Max, I've had my fair share of boot care training.
I can't wait to wear them to the next Grind.
Perhaps you are saying "But what on earth does this have to do with scoliosis surgery?" (though more likely you stopped reading up at the second link) You've read mention of the difficulties of reaching one's feet after surgery already. Now visualize trying to lace up 20-hole Doc's with this same complication. And say, you did not have the foresight of Cadence to take all your clothing off before putting the nifty new stompy boots on. I had Lorelei's help for getting in, but then I needed Max's help to get back out. Max, with whom there is no ambiguity about our power dynamic what-so-ever, managed to find a very dominant method of unlacing those boots. Though I believe describing it may breach some kind of trade-secret agreement so I'll just have to leave that to your imaginations.
Edit: Here are my legs in my very first pair of stompy boots for the very first time.
Detail oriented people will note these are not precisely the same style as the ones you see on Cadence. The working theory is that this has to do with the "Made in England" seal on the bottom of my boots as opposed to most Doc's sold in the US which are now made in China.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Things to love about Russell
There are several posts here about my connection to Max. That's in large part due to the novelty of the dynamic. It's not the kind of partnership everyone has and this is a blog about being kinky and dealing with surgery/recovery stuff. However, this is also a blog about being poly, and I want to be sure that my other partnerships don't get lost in the shuffle. So today I bring you:
"Things to Love About Russell"
"Things to Love About Russell"
- You all did notice the bunch of posts he made while I was in surgery right? He took the time and energy to let the unknown number of readers of my blog know how things were progressing. How awesome is that?
- I love Russell like I love electricity. He makes so so so many things in my life simpler and happier. From hauling heavy laundry baskets to making tasty snacks, he's around and helpful almost all the time. I could possibly survive without him, but not for more than a day or two.
- Russell puts up with my whims. For example, right about the beginning of November I declared that I was going to have a Christmas tree this year no matter what. We both knew at the time that "no matter what" really meant "because I'll have your help to make it happen." He's not a big holiday person and the whole disruption of his nest for temporary decoration is not a trivial inconvenience for him. I don't know all the reasons he decided to put up with this, but I know the big one is he loves me.
- Russell is fun and easy to be with. We know each other. We can usually tell when it's time to poke and play and when it's just time to sit quietly together. We're pretty good at both things, but especially the sitting quietly together.
- Russell appreciates the things I add to his life too and he's really good about telling me.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Why is this working?
I’ve been quite good about the PT since Max agreed to help out. If you’re one of my scoliosis readers who doesn’t care so much about kink reflections come back later. This is all about me trying to figure out why the things in my brain that were getting in my way at first got out of the way when Max came on board.
The simple answer is “Because he asked me to.” but why does that work? What is this flavor of power I’ve given to him that makes it possible for me to follow directions in a way I never really have before? A more romanticized answer might be “Deep down I trust he always asks me to do the hard work but it’s always something I’m quite capable of doing.” Frankly, it’s not my inner romantic asking these questions. My self-possessed skeptic wants some answers.
Why didn’t I just do the exercises because the man I paid to design them for me told me to do them? I mean really; a confident, arguably sadistic, attractive, older man with professional interest in my growth and development gave me an assignment. What’s not to love about that? I think I simultaneously had too much and too little invested. Too much in that I wanted to impress him, and too little in that I didn't know whether it was going to do much good. I couldn’t find the happy just-do-it middle ground.
Why didn’t it work when I asked it of myself? My over-developed sense of responsibility and fear of failure got into direct conflict with my self-awareness. I have to do this because it's the responsible healthy thing to do, but if I do it wrong "something bad" will happen, and if I learned anything in my nearly 20 years in the education system it's that I'm no good at doing homework. There was no “one day at a time” in my head. I knew this kind of self-talk was a death-spiral, but there wasn’t anything I could do to talk myself out of it on my own.
Would someone else in my support circle have worked just as well? I don’t really think so. Living with Russell makes things like one-way accountability a little too messy, it's just not our style. For just about everyone else in my circle, there’s too much push-pull. My friends and family make a good cheer squad, but it’s not in their job description to give me directions and expect them to be followed. If I think for a moment that I can do less work/avoid the work all together without some kind of follow through on their part, I’m pretty likely do just that.
I don't feel that push-pull with Max. When he says, “Take care of yourself and don't get sick. And drop me a note after you do your PT tonight.” I know he doesn’t mean, “Drop me a line if you get around to doing PT tonight.” Nor does he mean, “Send me a list of reasons why you didn’t do your PT.” However, there’s also no implied reward or consequence in his original statement. That is perhaps the key and the most difficult part to dissect or explain to people outside my head.
My college acting class days come back to me as I ask myself “What’s my motivation?” To be good? To be pleasing? To merit praise? A little bit of “Good girl” or “I’m proud of you” certainly goes a very long way. But that still doesn’t quite feel like the reason. I do it because I get so much joy and fulfillment out of the dynamic Max and I have and following his directions however big or small reinforces that dynamic.
Suddenly, doing PT isn’t about paying in to a bank to insure future happiness. The simple act of choosing to do the PT actual creates happiness right there. I follow Max’s directions and get to feel a little more in service to him right in that moment. We aren’t in each other’s presence as often as we'd like so every time I get to serve him, whether he’s with me or not, feels like a little luxury to me.
Coming back to “Why does serving Max work better than any other approach at getting me to change my habits around doing daily PT?” I think the answer is that serving Max is an instant positive reinforcement. Every elementary-school teacher knows the faster and more frequent the positive reinforcement, the easier it is to change the behavior. Honestly, who needs cookies or stickers when you can start your day with a little service headspace? (Not that I’ll turn away cookies or stickers in addition to service headspace mind you *winks*)
The simple answer is “Because he asked me to.” but why does that work? What is this flavor of power I’ve given to him that makes it possible for me to follow directions in a way I never really have before? A more romanticized answer might be “Deep down I trust he always asks me to do the hard work but it’s always something I’m quite capable of doing.” Frankly, it’s not my inner romantic asking these questions. My self-possessed skeptic wants some answers.
Why didn’t I just do the exercises because the man I paid to design them for me told me to do them? I mean really; a confident, arguably sadistic, attractive, older man with professional interest in my growth and development gave me an assignment. What’s not to love about that? I think I simultaneously had too much and too little invested. Too much in that I wanted to impress him, and too little in that I didn't know whether it was going to do much good. I couldn’t find the happy just-do-it middle ground.
Why didn’t it work when I asked it of myself? My over-developed sense of responsibility and fear of failure got into direct conflict with my self-awareness. I have to do this because it's the responsible healthy thing to do, but if I do it wrong "something bad" will happen, and if I learned anything in my nearly 20 years in the education system it's that I'm no good at doing homework. There was no “one day at a time” in my head. I knew this kind of self-talk was a death-spiral, but there wasn’t anything I could do to talk myself out of it on my own.
Would someone else in my support circle have worked just as well? I don’t really think so. Living with Russell makes things like one-way accountability a little too messy, it's just not our style. For just about everyone else in my circle, there’s too much push-pull. My friends and family make a good cheer squad, but it’s not in their job description to give me directions and expect them to be followed. If I think for a moment that I can do less work/avoid the work all together without some kind of follow through on their part, I’m pretty likely do just that.
I don't feel that push-pull with Max. When he says, “Take care of yourself and don't get sick. And drop me a note after you do your PT tonight.” I know he doesn’t mean, “Drop me a line if you get around to doing PT tonight.” Nor does he mean, “Send me a list of reasons why you didn’t do your PT.” However, there’s also no implied reward or consequence in his original statement. That is perhaps the key and the most difficult part to dissect or explain to people outside my head.
My college acting class days come back to me as I ask myself “What’s my motivation?” To be good? To be pleasing? To merit praise? A little bit of “Good girl” or “I’m proud of you” certainly goes a very long way. But that still doesn’t quite feel like the reason. I do it because I get so much joy and fulfillment out of the dynamic Max and I have and following his directions however big or small reinforces that dynamic.
Suddenly, doing PT isn’t about paying in to a bank to insure future happiness. The simple act of choosing to do the PT actual creates happiness right there. I follow Max’s directions and get to feel a little more in service to him right in that moment. We aren’t in each other’s presence as often as we'd like so every time I get to serve him, whether he’s with me or not, feels like a little luxury to me.
Coming back to “Why does serving Max work better than any other approach at getting me to change my habits around doing daily PT?” I think the answer is that serving Max is an instant positive reinforcement. Every elementary-school teacher knows the faster and more frequent the positive reinforcement, the easier it is to change the behavior. Honestly, who needs cookies or stickers when you can start your day with a little service headspace? (Not that I’ll turn away cookies or stickers in addition to service headspace mind you *winks*)
Friday, December 12, 2008
Did it!
Tuesday night I posted about going to PT and the ridiculous gymnastics my brain did essentially avoiding the homework I'd been assigned.
Wednesday morning, they didn't happen either.
Wednesday night I was still afraid of the damn things and now they were safely buried under a pile of other things. On the plus side, I did get a bunch of other housework done in the process of running away from the exercises. Frustrated with myself, I finally asked Max for help. (Thanks Autumn for the reminder that I could do that)
Thursday morning I continued to avoid them in the name of "getting ready for work."
Thursday evening I dodged them again in the name of "getting ready for Grind." (Grind was nice by the way. I had a couple people I'd never met before come up and talk to me about the x-rays I posted. I danced a fair bit. I got some extra encouraging PT words from a very attractive friend. I snuggled with Russell and groped Kaylee a little.)
After Grind though I was very aware that some part of my brain was still keeping score of the PT avoidance and making sure I knew what a bad person I was. Fortunately Kaylee snuggles are extra good medicine for that kind of thing.
This morning I had other pleasant distractions and valid reasons to keep avoiding the exercises before work.
This evening Max sent me an email that was mostly about something else but with a little direct sentence about dropping him a line when I finished my PT.
Ding! All of a sudden I was willing to push away most of the other reasons not to start.
I didn't jump up and do them right away after finishing my typical come-home routine. There was a good 30 minutes of futzing and prepping and rearranging and... Eventually, I was alone in my bedroom with the door closed so no one could see my mistakes. And then... I started. By the time I was doing the last couple exercises I wasn't fighting myself so hard. I was just doing it. The trick now is to not think about whether I'll do them tomorrow. Tonight I just want to announce: I FINALLY did it! I deserve a cookie! (Conveniently, there was a bake sale at work today so I've already had my cookie fix)
Wednesday morning, they didn't happen either.
Wednesday night I was still afraid of the damn things and now they were safely buried under a pile of other things. On the plus side, I did get a bunch of other housework done in the process of running away from the exercises. Frustrated with myself, I finally asked Max for help. (Thanks Autumn for the reminder that I could do that)
Thursday morning I continued to avoid them in the name of "getting ready for work."
Thursday evening I dodged them again in the name of "getting ready for Grind." (Grind was nice by the way. I had a couple people I'd never met before come up and talk to me about the x-rays I posted. I danced a fair bit. I got some extra encouraging PT words from a very attractive friend. I snuggled with Russell and groped Kaylee a little.)
After Grind though I was very aware that some part of my brain was still keeping score of the PT avoidance and making sure I knew what a bad person I was. Fortunately Kaylee snuggles are extra good medicine for that kind of thing.
This morning I had other pleasant distractions and valid reasons to keep avoiding the exercises before work.
This evening Max sent me an email that was mostly about something else but with a little direct sentence about dropping him a line when I finished my PT.
Ding! All of a sudden I was willing to push away most of the other reasons not to start.
I didn't jump up and do them right away after finishing my typical come-home routine. There was a good 30 minutes of futzing and prepping and rearranging and... Eventually, I was alone in my bedroom with the door closed so no one could see my mistakes. And then... I started. By the time I was doing the last couple exercises I wasn't fighting myself so hard. I was just doing it. The trick now is to not think about whether I'll do them tomorrow. Tonight I just want to announce: I FINALLY did it! I deserve a cookie! (Conveniently, there was a bake sale at work today so I've already had my cookie fix)
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
PT Learning Curve
I had the first physical therapy appointment today and boy do I feel incompetent. Once again, yes I realize my feelings have no basis in reality, but there they are anyway.
Getting to the office and parking was extra fun due to construction in the area, but fortunately I had those annoying "first-time visit" forms filled out ahead of time. I was properly chastised for not becoming completely familiar with my insurance policy's coverage of physical therapy and then introduced to Mark the PT. We chatted for a bit and then he tested my "multifidus" which failed completely. I was prepared for weak, but this was completely non-responsive. We went over a few exercises to hopefully wake this little muscle back up. Then he had me on my side and started poking...nay prodding at my spine all along the fusion! The desire to reach back and clobber him was strong, but I'm a good little bottom so I just let him know it hurt and then tried to breath through it. The multifidus was not actually on the list of things Dr. Williams wrote on the perscription, so we weren't done when he'd finished the sadistic portion of our session. He gave me a couple more exercises for my upper back. I left with a pile of papers and just about zero confidence in my ability to accomplish any of it.
I have a whopping total of 6 exercises that will probably take less than 15 minutes a day to complete. Short of daily walks during recovery period, I cannot think of a single time when I successfully maintained a daily exercise schedule. This is a really big change in habit I'm asking of myself right now and today I feel like I'm not going to be able to do it.
Do I know anyone who does a daily routine? How did you start? How do you keep going?
Getting to the office and parking was extra fun due to construction in the area, but fortunately I had those annoying "first-time visit" forms filled out ahead of time. I was properly chastised for not becoming completely familiar with my insurance policy's coverage of physical therapy and then introduced to Mark the PT. We chatted for a bit and then he tested my "multifidus" which failed completely. I was prepared for weak, but this was completely non-responsive. We went over a few exercises to hopefully wake this little muscle back up. Then he had me on my side and started poking...nay prodding at my spine all along the fusion! The desire to reach back and clobber him was strong, but I'm a good little bottom so I just let him know it hurt and then tried to breath through it. The multifidus was not actually on the list of things Dr. Williams wrote on the perscription, so we weren't done when he'd finished the sadistic portion of our session. He gave me a couple more exercises for my upper back. I left with a pile of papers and just about zero confidence in my ability to accomplish any of it.
I have a whopping total of 6 exercises that will probably take less than 15 minutes a day to complete. Short of daily walks during recovery period, I cannot think of a single time when I successfully maintained a daily exercise schedule. This is a really big change in habit I'm asking of myself right now and today I feel like I'm not going to be able to do it.
Do I know anyone who does a daily routine? How did you start? How do you keep going?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Feeling a little screwed
I had my second post-op appointment yesterday. In which I got to point out a discovery I made Sunday night: one of the screws can be easily felt through the skin on my back. I've now been prescribed physical therapy to build up the muscles in my upper back hoping that we can hide it. The other option is to open me up again and take the screw out. Hard work resulting in strong shoulders and a pretty back or more surgery resulting in more time out of work and another scar...hmmm let me think about that for a minute. Honestly, I've never had strong shoulders, disturbingly flexible yes, but strong no. Historically I've been more than a little lazy when it comes to exercise for body maintenance. Part of what I wanted to get out of this surgery journey was a little more dedication to actively taking care of my body. Time to start learning some new habits.
Shortly after the appointment my period started complete with debilitating cramps. I can't take anti-inflammatories because they'll slow the fusion. I only made it an hour and a half at work and quite possibly should not have driven myself home. When I got home to the only pain pills I can take, I took the maximum dose. I felt fine (if a little worn out) for about an hour, then slept for a couple more hours, then woke up and vomited my way through the rest of the night. I've been spending today coddling my cramps with non-chemical remedies and trying to properly apologize to my liver for yesterday's sin. I hope I can work longer days the rest of this week otherwise I'm going to need a lot more help from my coworkers than I thought.
Shortly after the appointment my period started complete with debilitating cramps. I can't take anti-inflammatories because they'll slow the fusion. I only made it an hour and a half at work and quite possibly should not have driven myself home. When I got home to the only pain pills I can take, I took the maximum dose. I felt fine (if a little worn out) for about an hour, then slept for a couple more hours, then woke up and vomited my way through the rest of the night. I've been spending today coddling my cramps with non-chemical remedies and trying to properly apologize to my liver for yesterday's sin. I hope I can work longer days the rest of this week otherwise I'm going to need a lot more help from my coworkers than I thought.
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