Making it through the scary parts

A couple days ago, Russell and I ran into one of the challenges I've been dreading for a long time. I think I described it best back in May when I wrote about porn that made me cry. In a pair of sentences, the author managed to sum up the thing I was so blessedly afraid of having to say after surgery:

"I need you to stop fucking me like I'm dying, I'm not dying. But every time you touch me soft, every time you ask if I'm okay, another little piece of me falls off."

After a month of being barely touched and constantly tip-toed around I was going crazy (the PMS wasn't helping matters either). I was beginning to wonder if our relationship had shifted permanently when I wasn't looking. This led to a conversation much more grown-up and less dramatic than the one depicted in the story. We identified the biggest problem: He couldn't touch me much because he didn't know how to do it safely, and I couldn't tell him how to do it safely, because I wouldn't know until we tried. So, carefully, slowly, and with a lot of courage and respect for each other we started to explore the safer limits of what we could do together.

We've got a ways to go in rebuilding our confidence, but I'm glad we finally got to this point. It turns out, I was right. There really was no way around it, no way to avoid it. But I was also right in believing that, no matter what, we'd make it through together.

Hooray for OUT!

Okay, I'm heading to bed quickly, but I just wanted to say: Hooray!!! I got outside my 6-block radius all on my own.

I went to the Bondage is the Point party for a couple hours tonight. Hello to all of you I saw tonight and thank you so much the encouraging "OMG! You're doing so well!" remarks. It's really what I needed to keep to feeling like I'm moving forward. This was the right low-key party to start my gradual return to the Wetspot. No bondage for me tonight, but I wore an outfit that let me show off my scar and brought print-outs of my most recent x-rays for show and tell. The people, the tasty treats, they eye-candy, the careful hugs, but most of all the SMILES were just fantastic!

Mind you I was out of the house a full 3.5 hours and now I'm wiped, medicated, and ready for bed. Still, I'm definitely marking this up to a success. There was a lot of up and down out of couches, and standing around talking, and crouching to get water--not to mention the joys of driving.

Things to know _before_ surgery:

So here I am, precisely one month after surgery and I have a few more things I wish I'd known or thought of before surgery.

• Cut your toenails really really short as close to surgery day as possible. Your toes are a looooooonnnnnngggg way away from your hands. I finally managed to get to mine today, but not without some large amount of effort that almost required a nap afterward. I suppose you could schedule a pedicure (I did consider this a couple weeks ago) but you're still dealing with getting out and hoping you can sit in the chair comfortably for the duration.
• Cars don't like sitting in a garage for a month completely untouched. I took Ziggy (yes, my car has a name and gender now shut-up) out for the first time this afternoon and boy did she sound rough for the first 10 minutes or so. If I'd thought more about it, I would have asked a friend to drive Ziggy around for a day or two a couple weeks ago. It's good to remember too that all the mirrors will need adjusting, cause you sit taller now. Also, backing out of the garage was a treat. I didn't realize how much subtle twisting I did for that every day.
• Orgasms will probably change shape and flavor. This is in part a sex blog so I'm happy announce that I had my first orgasm since surgery last night. Don't panic, my orgasm-prone pre-surgery readers. Your mileage will probably vary. Despite being pretty in-touch with my sexuality, my orgasms were tough to come by even before surgery. However, since surgery I've been slowly learning how to wind up into arousal without arching and tensing my back. It's a delicate line to walk between being in controll and aware enough to not break something and still being able to release and enjoy the ride. However it's a dangerous thing to start eroticising a pain designed to tell you to knock it the hell off before you break something.