Personal trainer appointment: FAIL

One should not leave an "orientation" appointment in tears (they were emotional tears as opposed to pain tears though those aren't good either).

I felt embarrassed, frustrated, and weak. I let my brain do the check-out thing I haven't let it do in a couple years. Oddly, the more checked-out I was the more positive feedback I got from the trainer about my form. If I could learn to use that willfully in a meditative state rather than reflexively in a survival state I might have something.

I'm going to go hide and pretend it didn't happen for a while.

I posted this note on a couple other networking sites today, and got some immediately protective reactions from my friends. Along with encouragement to keep trying and find another trainer.

The fail was mutual.

The trainer is still in school for this stuff and walked into our session scared shitless of fucking up my back (quite possibly because I handed him my latest x-rays--there's something about the image of 23 screws sticking into my spine that seems to get people's attention).

I walked in wanting some upper body and core exercises. He announced we were going to work on my legs. I failed to say, "No, we're going to work on what I want to work on because it's my time and I've been living in this body for the last 32 years."

He then failed to get information from me about what I've already been doing (or even that I've been doing it for the last 4 months in his gym). He made several wrong assumptions underestimating me in some areas and way over estimating in others.

I have a pretty thin shell and lots of hot buttons around athletics and physical fitness. I've toughened up significantly in the last year or so, but something hit me in just the right way to start the water works during the session. Really there wasn't much left for me to do besides drop into survival mode check-out for the duration. If you have any idea what it's like to relive memories of your self crying in middle school gym class you'd understand. There are some injuries we just don't forget.

Will I go back to the gym tomorrow? Yes
Will I work with a trainer again? Probably $omeday

In the mean time Russell has agreed to help me brainstorm a few exercises to add in to my routine to help keep me challenged and moving forward. I'm really fortunate to have a mindful, self-educated, gym-rat for a boyfriend *grins*