Posted to another discussion board earlier today:I mentioned a little bit ago that my life was full of lists as the surgery approached. Well, as common sense would predict, the lists haven't gotten any smaller really. It seems like the closer I get closer to the day the more stuff pops up demanding immediate attention. This is the kind of vanilla problem that mucks up the works for kinky lifestyles all the time. But this time it's happening to
me and I want to whine about it a little.
Max and I have a precedent that I write a
detailed reflective narrative after each overnight date. At first they were necessary for clear communication, then they were a tool for course correction, now they function as a verbal photo album. He can search through his archives of emails from me and dig up all kinds of little tid-bits to play with in other scenes. As you might predict, he was really clear about wanting one after our first long weekend together--so much so that he made time for me to make notes while we were still up at the cabin. Even with the set of notes though, it still takes about 4 hours to compose the kind of reflection I've become accustomed to giving about just one day and I had 4 to write about. I love writing these things because they give me a chance to relive the experiences while I'm trying to describe them to him. This was an absolute priority to get done. I got the first two days done in successive evenings at the peril of other deadlines and priorities, but then the rest of life just wouldn't be ignored anymore.
Work deadlines came home with me and overrode all other activities Wednesday night. The next night was dedicated to my last chance to dance at
Grind for a while. Friday was swallowed whole with miscellaneous pre-surgery errands (half of which went unaccomplished). Yesterday I finally got some quality time with Russell, but half-way through the evening I got a "where-the-heck is the rest of your homework" email from Max. Max is a smart man, so that was really a rhetorical question. Intellectually he understood what was going on even before I told him, but that didn't change what a priority this project was for him. He's helping me make time to finish it up tonight, but
that doesn't change the way my inner perfectionist feels about getting a "where-the-heck is it" email from my dominant. Surely it shouldn't be so hard to:
- prepare mentally and physically for surgery
- re-arrange the house for recovery
- prioritize the doing things that I will miss most during recovery (like walking in the woods and dancing at Grind)
- make quality time for Russell
- make quality time for Kaylee
- make more quality time for Max
- make quality time for my bio-family
- purchase all the weird little things I'll need for recovery
- clean the house
- make it to doctors' appointments
- keep my long-distance friends updated about life
- meet my work deadlines
- prepare my office and job to turn over to my (seriously overworked) supervisor for 6 weeks or more
- and write a standard detailed narrative of an awesome weekend
all before Wednesday morning.
I mean, it's not like I didn't see this date coming for more than 3 months! "Unrealistic" you say? "Ask for help" you say? Well yes, I agree on both accounts in principle, but sometimes I need to let my inner perfectionist throw a GradeA hissy fit before I can really put her back in the corner where she belongs. I'm wondering if part of all this list making is a subconscious attempt to force more time to appear between where I am and Wednesday morning. It's completely counter productive of course. I've talked many perfectionist/overachieving friends out of emotional trees by forcing them to tear up their to-do lists. It's a little more difficult to do that from the inside though.
