- Pain meds: I'm not happy about being dependent on the damn things. It's not just the pain though, it's the grumpy moods and wooseyness. I've weened way down, but I want to be able to switch over to tylenol and deal with the moods in their raw state. My body just isn't ready to do that yet and I'm losing patience.
- Moody: I'm a redheaded woman with hormones. Moodiness isn't new, but when combined with everything else it's downright irritating.
- Lonely: I need to do a better job of orchestrating all these offers of help and company. I know y'all are out there, I just can't figure out what barrier to remove so you can come here and hang out with me.
- Getting bored: I'm developing a routine which is nice, but it lacks productivity to it. Trouble is, productivity usually requires deadlines, and deadlines and pain meds just don't mix.
- I want my damned 2-week happy boost! The book and several other sources said 2-weeks is the magic point at which you all-of-a-sudden start feeling better (not perfect but better). Now maybe I'm just running ahead of the game and I had mine on day 6 in the hospital when I all of a sudden took a shower and started wandering around sans walker. I really haven't felt any giant increases in wellness since then. I'm sure there are all kinds of little improvements I'm not noticing cause I'm in this damn body every day, but still... grrr.
- I want to sit at Max's feet again. This, I know, is pure impatience. Max has already found ways to start reclaiming some of our power dynamic. But I'm gnashing at the bit because I want it allllll back right NOW! I want to be able to hop up when he comes to the door and get him a glass of water to drink while I make him coffee and he enjoys sitting in my nice TIDY living room. Then I want to kneel quietly with my head on his knee while he chats with Russell or works on his laptop.
- The apartment is a mess and it's driving me crazy! Probably part of the reason I'm not actively inviting more people over is embarrassment about the state of the apartment. Logically this isn't really a problem because y'all understand I can't bend over to pick stuff up, but logic doesn't seem to matter to this emotional part of my brain. I know many of you would happily come over and help me clean, but that just feels weird too. Bah!
- I have officially reached my threshold for feeling needy. This is not a good sign. I have a long way to go before I'm self-sufficient.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Whining
I have given myself the next 45 minutes to type out as much whining as my fingers will allow. I'm a listy kind of girl so bring on the bullet points:
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4 comments:
*Big hug and stroking your head*
Sorry about the icky feelings. Sometimes it sucks that you just have to sit in it for a while. Probably a good first step to taking care of some of it is just to spit it all out like this, then the resolutions can start to come.
When we get together again next week, maybe the vacuum can be incorporated with a little walk and some stretching this time around!
Meanwhile, as you're sitting feeling needy and lonely and tired and frustrated, let all that come but see all of us there, too, in that space around you, just holding you there. 'cause we are.
hugs, thank you
I don't know if we know each other well enough for you to feel comfortable with me visiting at this time, but I don't have anything scheduled this weekend.
You can send me a message through LJ or FetLife if you'd like and I'll send my phone number.
If not, no hard feelings of course!
*extremely gentle hug* I've not got any magic words to make it all feel better, but I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. Take each moment as it comes and know that there are lots of folks pulling for you :)
Kristy
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