Tid-bit update

I did get to the gym on the 24th. I walked too hard and wound up sore, but I got moving. It was good. I suspect I won't be back again until Monday. Oh well.

I have both PT and Surgeon's appointments on Tuesday. I'll let you all know how that goes.

While chatting with Russell about a workshop he's planning, I realized how easy it is to forget having had surgery. Unless one forgets completely about just having had surgery, offering to be a stunt-bottom/co-teacher for a flogging workshop in February doesn't make much sense. Oops.

Up till the last couple weeks, I haven't felt too much financial burden from this surgery. I work at an awesome institution that provides really good health-care benefits (I haven't had to pay a dime out of pocket since surgery). I also had been working there long enough to accrue enough sick and vacation time to cover the vast majority of the time I was out. However, with the icy roads and sidewalks keeping me home, I'm finally running up on the point when surgery causes money to be tight. Oh well, this is what I created a savings account for.

Being Housebound Again

Alright, That's It! I give up!

The snow is falling again. When this all started, I was willing to be patient. I was promised things would clear up and warm up this week. I'm looking out my window right now and it's neither clear nor warm out there.

If you live in Seattle, or read the blogs of other people who do, you're probably quite tired of reading about how irritated we are with the snow. I tried, I really truly tried to not blog about this. I considered only blogging on my personal journal, but the key to this post is actually scoliosis related.

I already did my shift of being housebound this year. I shouldn't have to do it again. In some ways this shift is worse than that one was.

After surgery people would come visit me, I had a fair amount of drug-induced sleep, but most importantly I could get out and WALK. Oh sure, I'm physically capable of going for a walk. The problem is high risk of falling down in bad ways with bad consequences. Even not falling down has its problems because those little body movements you do when you start to slip all involve fast, strong response from your core muscles.

How do I know this? Because I have tried to get out and walk. I live in a walking neighborhood. I'm a couple blocks from a bunch of restaurants and stores. Even though I haven't fallen, each time I've been out (Russell at my side in case of falls), I came back with a sore back from some stupid slip.

I'm thinking I may put on my new stompy boots (and some more clothing) and ask Russell to walk me to the closest gym so I can sign up for a membership. If I don't get some moving around soon it could be disastrous!

Thanks Lorelei

For my birthday, Lorelei gave me what is quite possibly the niftiest second-hand present ever. (link not work safe)

The boots, people, the boots! These are my very first pair of stompy boots ever. Hooray for gifted leather! Max took pictures of me wearing them for the first time, but I don't have those in my possession quite yet. I didn't think y'all'd mind a substitute picture for the time being.

They were a fairly gently worn second-hand store find that didn't quite fit her. To show my gratitude and affection, I promptly smothered them in Pecard Leather Dressing when I got them home. I may not have ever owned a pair of stompy boots, but between Russell and Max, I've had my fair share of boot care training.

I can't wait to wear them to the next Grind.

Perhaps you are saying "But what on earth does this have to do with scoliosis surgery?" (though more likely you stopped reading up at the second link) You've read mention of the difficulties of reaching one's feet after surgery already. Now visualize trying to lace up 20-hole Doc's with this same complication. And say, you did not have the foresight of Cadence to take all your clothing off before putting the nifty new stompy boots on. I had Lorelei's help for getting in, but then I needed Max's help to get back out. Max, with whom there is no ambiguity about our power dynamic what-so-ever, managed to find a very dominant method of unlacing those boots. Though I believe describing it may breach some kind of trade-secret agreement so I'll just have to leave that to your imaginations.

Edit: Here are my legs in my very first pair of stompy boots for the very first time.


Detail oriented people will note these are not precisely the same style as the ones you see on Cadence. The working theory is that this has to do with the "Made in England" seal on the bottom of my boots as opposed to most Doc's sold in the US which are now made in China.

Things to love about Russell

There are several posts here about my connection to Max. That's in large part due to the novelty of the dynamic. It's not the kind of partnership everyone has and this is a blog about being kinky and dealing with surgery/recovery stuff. However, this is also a blog about being poly, and I want to be sure that my other partnerships don't get lost in the shuffle. So today I bring you:

"Things to Love About Russell"

• You all did notice the bunch of posts he made while I was in surgery right? He took the time and energy to let the unknown number of readers of my blog know how things were progressing. How awesome is that?
• I love Russell like I love electricity. He makes so so so many things in my life simpler and happier. From hauling heavy laundry baskets to making tasty snacks, he's around and helpful almost all the time. I could possibly survive without him, but not for more than a day or two.
• Russell puts up with my whims. For example, right about the beginning of November I declared that I was going to have a Christmas tree this year no matter what. We both knew at the time that "no matter what" really meant "because I'll have your help to make it happen." He's not a big holiday person and the whole disruption of his nest for temporary decoration is not a trivial inconvenience for him. I don't know all the reasons he decided to put up with this, but I know the big one is he loves me.
• Russell is fun and easy to be with. We know each other. We can usually tell when it's time to poke and play and when it's just time to sit quietly together. We're pretty good at both things, but especially the sitting quietly together.
• Russell appreciates the things I add to his life too and he's really good about telling me.

This is certainly not an exhaustive list of things to love about Russell, but it's a nice broad base from which to begin.

Why is this working?

I’ve been quite good about the PT since Max agreed to help out. If you’re one of my scoliosis readers who doesn’t care so much about kink reflections come back later. This is all about me trying to figure out why the things in my brain that were getting in my way at first got out of the way when Max came on board.

The simple answer is “Because he asked me to.” but why does that work? What is this flavor of power I’ve given to him that makes it possible for me to follow directions in a way I never really have before? A more romanticized answer might be “Deep down I trust he always asks me to do the hard work but it’s always something I’m quite capable of doing.” Frankly, it’s not my inner romantic asking these questions. My self-possessed skeptic wants some answers.

Why didn’t I just do the exercises because the man I paid to design them for me told me to do them? I mean really; a confident, arguably sadistic, attractive, older man with professional interest in my growth and development gave me an assignment. What’s not to love about that? I think I simultaneously had too much and too little invested. Too much in that I wanted to impress him, and too little in that I didn't know whether it was going to do much good. I couldn’t find the happy just-do-it middle ground.

Why didn’t it work when I asked it of myself? My over-developed sense of responsibility and fear of failure got into direct conflict with my self-awareness. I have to do this because it's the responsible healthy thing to do, but if I do it wrong "something bad" will happen, and if I learned anything in my nearly 20 years in the education system it's that I'm no good at doing homework. There was no “one day at a time” in my head. I knew this kind of self-talk was a death-spiral, but there wasn’t anything I could do to talk myself out of it on my own.

Would someone else in my support circle have worked just as well? I don’t really think so. Living with Russell makes things like one-way accountability a little too messy, it's just not our style. For just about everyone else in my circle, there’s too much push-pull. My friends and family make a good cheer squad, but it’s not in their job description to give me directions and expect them to be followed. If I think for a moment that I can do less work/avoid the work all together without some kind of follow through on their part, I’m pretty likely do just that.

I don't feel that push-pull with Max. When he says, “Take care of yourself and don't get sick. And drop me a note after you do your PT tonight.” I know he doesn’t mean, “Drop me a line if you get around to doing PT tonight.” Nor does he mean, “Send me a list of reasons why you didn’t do your PT.” However, there’s also no implied reward or consequence in his original statement. That is perhaps the key and the most difficult part to dissect or explain to people outside my head.

My college acting class days come back to me as I ask myself “What’s my motivation?” To be good? To be pleasing? To merit praise? A little bit of “Good girl” or “I’m proud of you” certainly goes a very long way. But that still doesn’t quite feel like the reason. I do it because I get so much joy and fulfillment out of the dynamic Max and I have and following his directions however big or small reinforces that dynamic.

Suddenly, doing PT isn’t about paying in to a bank to insure future happiness. The simple act of choosing to do the PT actual creates happiness right there. I follow Max’s directions and get to feel a little more in service to him right in that moment. We aren’t in each other’s presence as often as we'd like so every time I get to serve him, whether he’s with me or not, feels like a little luxury to me.

Coming back to “Why does serving Max work better than any other approach at getting me to change my habits around doing daily PT?” I think the answer is that serving Max is an instant positive reinforcement. Every elementary-school teacher knows the faster and more frequent the positive reinforcement, the easier it is to change the behavior. Honestly, who needs cookies or stickers when you can start your day with a little service headspace? (Not that I’ll turn away cookies or stickers in addition to service headspace mind you *winks*)

Did it!

Tuesday night I posted about going to PT and the ridiculous gymnastics my brain did essentially avoiding the homework I'd been assigned.

Wednesday morning, they didn't happen either.
Wednesday night I was still afraid of the damn things and now they were safely buried under a pile of other things. On the plus side, I did get a bunch of other housework done in the process of running away from the exercises. Frustrated with myself, I finally asked Max for help. (Thanks Autumn for the reminder that I could do that)

Thursday morning I continued to avoid them in the name of "getting ready for work."
Thursday evening I dodged them again in the name of "getting ready for Grind." (Grind was nice by the way. I had a couple people I'd never met before come up and talk to me about the x-rays I posted. I danced a fair bit. I got some extra encouraging PT words from a very attractive friend. I snuggled with Russell and groped Kaylee a little.)
After Grind though I was very aware that some part of my brain was still keeping score of the PT avoidance and making sure I knew what a bad person I was. Fortunately Kaylee snuggles are extra good medicine for that kind of thing.

This morning I had other pleasant distractions and valid reasons to keep avoiding the exercises before work.
This evening Max sent me an email that was mostly about something else but with a little direct sentence about dropping him a line when I finished my PT.
Ding! All of a sudden I was willing to push away most of the other reasons not to start.

I didn't jump up and do them right away after finishing my typical come-home routine. There was a good 30 minutes of futzing and prepping and rearranging and... Eventually, I was alone in my bedroom with the door closed so no one could see my mistakes. And then... I started. By the time I was doing the last couple exercises I wasn't fighting myself so hard. I was just doing it. The trick now is to not think about whether I'll do them tomorrow. Tonight I just want to announce: I FINALLY did it! I deserve a cookie! (Conveniently, there was a bake sale at work today so I've already had my cookie fix)

PT Learning Curve

I had the first physical therapy appointment today and boy do I feel incompetent. Once again, yes I realize my feelings have no basis in reality, but there they are anyway.

Getting to the office and parking was extra fun due to construction in the area, but fortunately I had those annoying "first-time visit" forms filled out ahead of time. I was properly chastised for not becoming completely familiar with my insurance policy's coverage of physical therapy and then introduced to Mark the PT. We chatted for a bit and then he tested my "multifidus" which failed completely. I was prepared for weak, but this was completely non-responsive. We went over a few exercises to hopefully wake this little muscle back up. Then he had me on my side and started poking...nay prodding at my spine all along the fusion! The desire to reach back and clobber him was strong, but I'm a good little bottom so I just let him know it hurt and then tried to breath through it. The multifidus was not actually on the list of things Dr. Williams wrote on the perscription, so we weren't done when he'd finished the sadistic portion of our session. He gave me a couple more exercises for my upper back. I left with a pile of papers and just about zero confidence in my ability to accomplish any of it.

I have a whopping total of 6 exercises that will probably take less than 15 minutes a day to complete. Short of daily walks during recovery period, I cannot think of a single time when I successfully maintained a daily exercise schedule. This is a really big change in habit I'm asking of myself right now and today I feel like I'm not going to be able to do it.

Do I know anyone who does a daily routine? How did you start? How do you keep going?

Feeling a little screwed

I had my second post-op appointment yesterday. In which I got to point out a discovery I made Sunday night: one of the screws can be easily felt through the skin on my back. I've now been prescribed physical therapy to build up the muscles in my upper back hoping that we can hide it. The other option is to open me up again and take the screw out. Hard work resulting in strong shoulders and a pretty back or more surgery resulting in more time out of work and another scar...hmmm let me think about that for a minute. Honestly, I've never had strong shoulders, disturbingly flexible yes, but strong no. Historically I've been more than a little lazy when it comes to exercise for body maintenance. Part of what I wanted to get out of this surgery journey was a little more dedication to actively taking care of my body. Time to start learning some new habits.

Shortly after the appointment my period started complete with debilitating cramps. I can't take anti-inflammatories because they'll slow the fusion. I only made it an hour and a half at work and quite possibly should not have driven myself home. When I got home to the only pain pills I can take, I took the maximum dose. I felt fine (if a little worn out) for about an hour, then slept for a couple more hours, then woke up and vomited my way through the rest of the night. I've been spending today coddling my cramps with non-chemical remedies and trying to properly apologize to my liver for yesterday's sin. I hope I can work longer days the rest of this week otherwise I'm going to need a lot more help from my coworkers than I thought.

Dry spell is over!

On Thanksgiving, I worked and danced at Grind after spending all day cooking and enjoying the company of Russell, Kaylee and her husband. Then the next night, I had the first play-focused overnight date with Max in two months. I can confidently say I feel my life coming back in some of the most important ways. I have a mental image of a big wet thunderstorm washing over a dry and dusty town. I can almost smell it. (inside note: I'd go out and play in it more if I didn't hate getting water in my face so much *grins*)

That's not to say that my body is no longer full of frustrating quirks--things like I can dance off and on for hours but can't comfortably sit on my couch without the risers, or I can play to remarkably intense levels but can't easily change position in bed.

Still getting better.

I put in a 6-hour day at work today and really wasn't tired or sore at the end of it.

Also, I got a full night's sleep that resulted in me waking up before 9 AM this morning.

The sleepful night may have been a result of the impromptu fun that kept me awake much too long on Monday night. Note the complete lack of regret in that statement please :)

I think I'll sleep and feel better more consistently if I start getting more exercise. The plan was to start water aerobics at the fancy gym a mile or so from work where I currently have a suspended membership. Trouble is it's really dark even when I leave work at 4PM right now, and I don't like getting wet, and I don't like wearing a bathing suit, and I don't know how the group of older heavy women would really feel about young little me dropping in on their class. I've avoided the gym all together because of this. The current plan is to drop the fancy gym membership and join the chain-gym that is 3 blocks from my house... still waiting on the follow-through for that.

Stop Comparing

Comparing has been a source of lots of unproductive self-talk lately. This blog entry serves mostly as a note to myself.

Dear Red,
Stop comparing your stamina, your looks, your emotions, your bank account, your persistence, your resilience, your social status, your athletic ability, your entertainment preferences, your sense of responsibility, your healing capacity, your. . . ANYTHING to that of others around you. 95% of the time it just makes you miserable and the truth is they are having completely different life experiences and challenges. Stop comparing also applies to your previous existence. Not only were you having a different experience of life 3, 5, 10 years ago, you don't even remember things the way they actually were. (Here's a little secret: Nobody's actually keeping score. There will be no ranking posted at the end of the world. You will never find a list with your name on it saying "Red completed life with a rank of 127,638,461 in her class of 500,000,000 people." SO QUIT WORRYING ABOUT IT!)

Give yourself the freedom to be in awe of people around you and even yourself, to praise without needing to reduce anything in comparison. Let's start here: You are more than enough. Strong enough, disciplined enough, rich enough, busy enough, healthy enough, pretty enough, thoughtful enough, loving enough, GOOD enough.
Sincerely,
Me


Dear Me,
That's a hell of a lot easier to type than it is to believe, but thanks for the sentiment.
You Truly,
Red

I fell down today

Honestly, I've been waiting for this to happen pretty much since I started walking around on my own. I'm not a total klutz, but I do have wobbly ankles and, like most people, sometimes I'm not exactly paying attention to the ground under my feet.

After leaving the grocery store on my way home from work today, I caught a lump in the road just wrong and down I went. I'm betting I'm not the first nor the last person to wipe out in that particular unmarked spot. I landed on my knees not directly on my but and I wasn't going all that fast so I don't think there will be any lasting damage or major setbacks. I did however manage to spread my groceries in an even 4' diameter in front of me. Thankfully, I live in a city full of nice people. Someone held parking lot traffic while someone else helped gather my stuff and made sure I could get up alright. I was not shy about explaining why an otherwise healthy looking woman was just sitting there looking a little puzzled and stunned rather than getting up and trying to salvage her dignity. "I just had spine surgery and I don't want to mess anything up."

I drove home okay (though checking my turns and corners was a little more difficult than usual). When I got home Russell helped me get settled and fetched the groceries from the car. I've been laying on my back since then waiting to see how things shake out. All-in-all if it had to happen, this wasn't such a bad way for it to go.

SteamPunk Night

On Saturday, the Wetspot (centerforsexpositiveculture) hosted a spectacular steampunk-themed pansexual play party. (Here's a link to a NY Times article for those who have little or no background in this little subculture) Once I committed to going, I finally had something to entertain my brain while I waited to go back to work: "OMG What ever will I wear?!"

I tapped back into my amateur costume design days from college theater. First I spent hours and hours on research and generally soaking up images from the genre. Then I produced about 5 sketches of possible costumes built mostly out of things I already owned. Then it was time to scour the city for the missing costume pieces, always keeping an eye open for previously unexplored possibilities. It wasn't until the morning before the party while standing in the table linen department of Goodwill that I knew for certain which costume I was going to wear.

Words cannot do justice to the costume in its completed state, but I failed to take any pictures so you'll just have to deal: A floor-length black satin skirt with a crimson brocade "bustle" below a black satin waist cincher and low-cut crimson cap-sleeve top underneath a black velvet and satin waist-jacket all topped off with a sparkly black top-hat with crimson ribbon trim. Twist the hair up carefully and apply some dramatic make-up (the only kind I know how to put on) and voila one high-class steampunk lady just waiting for an urchin to pick on. Kaylee and her costume were more than happy to oblige said lady.

I'm sure there's more to steampunk than playing dress up, but really that's all Kaylee and I needed to get out of it. Exhibitionist that we are, Kaylee and I just couldn't resist the temptation of a lively audience so I topped again for the first time that night. Things went marvelously well though a few days later my legs did have something to say to me about the amount of up and down I did that night. When you're not bending above the waist (surgery + waist cincher = NO bending), it's possible to look extremely prim and propper while paddling your girlfriend's breasts and butt. I'm sure this is a trick all the pros already know, but I thought I'd pass it on for the rest of you.

Back to Work Report

Oh Em Gee my back really really hurts. I'm going to try resting for a little bit, but I'm not above finding my pain-med bottle again if this doesn't feel better soon.

So, besides the post-work back pain, how was it?
I got up later than I'd planned and with a tweak in my back. I seriously considered not going in today at all. Then I woke up a little more and just let things move at their own pace. By 12:30 I was ready to go give this whole office job thing a shot.

I wandered into my office where my office mate was fully embroiled in a writing project. We exchanged happy returns noises, but there wasn't the "Squeee! I'm so glad you're back!" reaction I was expecting. It wasn't a big deal as I know she loves me and there were plenty of people checking in and looking for tales. I didn't get much actual work done. I don't think anyone expected me to get much done today though. Most of the "work" I did today was simply remembering what my job is. I'm looking forward to actually accomplishing something tomorrow.

Tangent about sitting at the desk: Getting my chair adjusted was quite the little comedy. My boss has been using my workstation and she's considerably shorter than me. There were several aborted attempts to sit and/or adjust the chair. It requires a silly amount of core muscles to adjust an office chair. One of the reasons I know my office mate still loves me is she was quite gracious about helping with the chair.

I brought print-outs of the most recent x-rays to work with me and did a bunch of show and tell. More than once people asked "Were you wearing a necklace?" when they looked at the profile x-ray. This is where the long-held kinky tradition of smile and nod came in to play. It's not that I think there would be a problem if I explained more about the collar (my whole department knows I'm poly), I just knew that wasn't the conversation they were looking for.

Physically, I could have done better, but it could have been much worse too. After an hour and a half of sitting at my desk, I needed a walk. Even after the walk though, my back still wasn't happy about going back to the chair for long. I have to admit I'm a little surprised I was so exhausted after only three and a half hours at work. The pain when I got home was a lot more than I expected too. I'll be calling the Dr's office to have them revise the back-to-work authorization for fewer hours per week until the end of the month.

Now that I've had a rest (took a dinner break in the middle of typing this post), I can safely say I'm happy to get back to work. It's nice to have a little more routine and a few more people to talk to in a day.

Go Read Autumn's Blog

I start back at work part-time in two days (technically tomorrow, but I intend to sleep twice between now and then).

My most recent days have been filled with the pursuit of a glorious steampunk costume.

I'll write more about all that later. Right now, go read Autumn's blog.

Making it through the scary parts

A couple days ago, Russell and I ran into one of the challenges I've been dreading for a long time. I think I described it best back in May when I wrote about porn that made me cry. In a pair of sentences, the author managed to sum up the thing I was so blessedly afraid of having to say after surgery:

"I need you to stop fucking me like I'm dying, I'm not dying. But every time you touch me soft, every time you ask if I'm okay, another little piece of me falls off."

After a month of being barely touched and constantly tip-toed around I was going crazy (the PMS wasn't helping matters either). I was beginning to wonder if our relationship had shifted permanently when I wasn't looking. This led to a conversation much more grown-up and less dramatic than the one depicted in the story. We identified the biggest problem: He couldn't touch me much because he didn't know how to do it safely, and I couldn't tell him how to do it safely, because I wouldn't know until we tried. So, carefully, slowly, and with a lot of courage and respect for each other we started to explore the safer limits of what we could do together.

We've got a ways to go in rebuilding our confidence, but I'm glad we finally got to this point. It turns out, I was right. There really was no way around it, no way to avoid it. But I was also right in believing that, no matter what, we'd make it through together.

Hooray for OUT!

Okay, I'm heading to bed quickly, but I just wanted to say: Hooray!!! I got outside my 6-block radius all on my own.

I went to the Bondage is the Point party for a couple hours tonight. Hello to all of you I saw tonight and thank you so much the encouraging "OMG! You're doing so well!" remarks. It's really what I needed to keep to feeling like I'm moving forward. This was the right low-key party to start my gradual return to the Wetspot. No bondage for me tonight, but I wore an outfit that let me show off my scar and brought print-outs of my most recent x-rays for show and tell. The people, the tasty treats, they eye-candy, the careful hugs, but most of all the SMILES were just fantastic!

Mind you I was out of the house a full 3.5 hours and now I'm wiped, medicated, and ready for bed. Still, I'm definitely marking this up to a success. There was a lot of up and down out of couches, and standing around talking, and crouching to get water--not to mention the joys of driving.

Things to know _before_ surgery:

So here I am, precisely one month after surgery and I have a few more things I wish I'd known or thought of before surgery.

• Cut your toenails really really short as close to surgery day as possible. Your toes are a looooooonnnnnngggg way away from your hands. I finally managed to get to mine today, but not without some large amount of effort that almost required a nap afterward. I suppose you could schedule a pedicure (I did consider this a couple weeks ago) but you're still dealing with getting out and hoping you can sit in the chair comfortably for the duration.
• Cars don't like sitting in a garage for a month completely untouched. I took Ziggy (yes, my car has a name and gender now shut-up) out for the first time this afternoon and boy did she sound rough for the first 10 minutes or so. If I'd thought more about it, I would have asked a friend to drive Ziggy around for a day or two a couple weeks ago. It's good to remember too that all the mirrors will need adjusting, cause you sit taller now. Also, backing out of the garage was a treat. I didn't realize how much subtle twisting I did for that every day.
• Orgasms will probably change shape and flavor. This is in part a sex blog so I'm happy announce that I had my first orgasm since surgery last night. Don't panic, my orgasm-prone pre-surgery readers. Your mileage will probably vary. Despite being pretty in-touch with my sexuality, my orgasms were tough to come by even before surgery. However, since surgery I've been slowly learning how to wind up into arousal without arching and tensing my back. It's a delicate line to walk between being in controll and aware enough to not break something and still being able to release and enjoy the ride. However it's a dangerous thing to start eroticising a pain designed to tell you to knock it the hell off before you break something.
  

Skeleton Pictures!

Happy Halloween!

I had my first post-op office visit today and that means I came home with nifty skeleton pictures to share. The office visit went well and everyone was pleased with how things are turning out. The nurse removed the tape covering the incision (yay for nurses who understand about approaching a sensitive back and picking at it) and while I haven't looked at it yet, it sounds like it's healing well and the scar is going to be pretty inconspicuous. With the new x-ray, Dr. Williams thinks they may have corrected the curve even more than he thought when they discharged me. I also have authorization to drive and wear my waist-cincher. Look out world!!

I'm using the holiday as a reason not to put these behind a cut.
First we have the before/after you've all been waiting for:

And in profile:


Yes, those are some very large screws in my back. In fact, here's a large up-close picture of my hardware:


And one last larger shot of my back now:

[edited to add: You should be able to see larger versions of the pictures if you click on them (I spent 2 hours screwing with it and when I finally gave up, it worked... ah life) Also, yes, that is Max's collar in the profile x-ray. It's missing from the facing x-ray because I had to pull it up over my face and suspend it on my ample ears to keep it out of the way.]

...One Step Back

I've been making lots and lots of forward motion the last week or so. It was time for me to have a small step back. That doesn't make it any easier.

The forward progress has been great. I'm down to one or two pain pills per day (compared to 8-10 when I first got home). I'm pretty darn mobile and surprisingly self-sufficient when I need to be. I still ask for help on things to save my stamina, but if I had to stay home alone for 24 hours, I think I could do it. I've been able to reclaim a few more of the playful and intimate things I like to do with my partners (no orgasms for me yet, but that's a different post). I'm even hoping to take a field-trip to a corn maze with Russell and Kaylee (who've never been to one) on Friday.

Tuesday I was feeling like I'd gotten complacent--less focused on actively improving my health--and wanted to get back on the focused track so I set a couple goals. They were pretty simple; prepare and eat a good breakfast, get showered and out for a walk before noon, spend more time writing thank you cards and less time idly web surfing.

I woke up Wednesday morning irritable and sore, but I went to bed with goals for the day so pushed ahead. Breakfast--check. Shower--clumsy and slower than usual, but check. Out for a walk--at the turtle's pace of two weeks ago and the pain in my back was a lot more acute (like someone had hit me with a bat or pipe right across the spine just below the ribcage--it hurt to exhale). The rest of the goals for the day went right out the window. New plan: be still, rest, try to get feeling better before company showed up at 6:00.

It more or less worked. I had a friend from work drop by with pizza and really enjoyed chatting with her. But when our game-night friends showed up and I was already starting to fade (not that I would admit that to anyone). As the night progressed I became less mobile and less vertical, but I was enjoying having people and something to do so much I wasn't about to give in. Sure, today was a backwards step when considered with the last week, but they didn't have to know that. I was still capable of fun conversation even if I wasn't hopping up to be the hostess with the mostess.

Only now it's 4AM and despite the pain pills that usually make me drowsy I'm wide awake and dreading trying to sleep. I'm afraid to move my body and tweak that spot again. But I know with some more quality rest and a little distance from the really bad pain I can start moving forward again tomorrow. So here goes...

3-weeks Post-op

It's been a week since the last post. I feel like I should get something up here so y'all don't forget about me.

In physical healing news: I continue to get better in teeny tiny increments each day. I walk a little farther, squat to the floor a little more often, sit up a little longer, accomplish more without assistance, and take a little less pain medication.

In emotional health news: I'm not doing too bad. I do much much better when I have company over, but even when I'm by myself I manage to avoid the giant pits of despair most of the time.

In coping news: I'm still working on having a set of alternative activities I can do on my own that occupy my idle brain but don't wear me out, produce useless junk, or lead to unhealthy thought habits. Reading books and meditation both seem like logical answers here, but the reading disability puts a damper on the first and I have yet to find the proper muzzle for my inner perfectionist to allow me to meditate without an outside guide. I think I want something crafty to do, but I just can't seem to justify creating mostly-useless stuff.

Attitude Adjustment

Appreciation, Gratitude, and Happy Happenings:
(small note: There is so much fantastiness going on in my life that I'm not likely to remember all of everything I want to say. If you were part of some wonderfulness that did not get mentioned, please understand that it's likely because it's late and not because it wasn't as wonderful as everything else listed. k thanks)

• The obvious first order of gratitude is that there is so much to be thankful for I'm certain of my inability to record it all here tonight.
• The last two nights I've been able to share my bed with someone and feel skin touching my skin as I drift off to sleep.
  
• Russell: who is here nearly all the time, who never grumbles when I call him in from another room to move this thing or that thing 4 inches , who has an endless supply of head kisses for me, who does a very good job of being aware of and taking care of himself in all this too, who provides me with yogurt and eggos and tasty sandwiches, who reads me stories, who walks me around the block, who worries so quietly and cheers so loudly, who loves me very very deeply
  
• Autumn: who makes me cry (in the good way), who adjusts the world with a few words, who walks me to the bagel shop, who makes the tastiest pie ever,
  
• A.: who helps out all over the place, who shuttles laundry and clears tables, who watches movies and brings grapes, who can help to fix the stuff I'm not talking about without having to talk about it, who declares when it's time to feel accomplished, who already understands why it's so important to be here on a Thursday night
  
• Max: who inspires perma-grin just by making contact, who washes loads of dishes, who reminds me this is all an investment he intends to collect in due time, who takes care of me, who tollerates my stubborn instistance on finding some service task I can still do, who gives me attainable goals, who does things that result in wet pillows, who also loves me
  
• Internet: fetlife, instant messaging, blogging, reaching out and finding people in some of the least expected places.
  
• FMLA sick-leave: feeling confident that I have the money to pay people back for grocery runs and rent, knowing that I will still have a job when I'm well enough to do it again
• I'm still getting better,
  

Whining

I have given myself the next 45 minutes to type out as much whining as my fingers will allow. I'm a listy kind of girl so bring on the bullet points:

• Pain meds: I'm not happy about being dependent on the damn things. It's not just the pain though, it's the grumpy moods and wooseyness. I've weened way down, but I want to be able to switch over to tylenol and deal with the moods in their raw state. My body just isn't ready to do that yet and I'm losing patience.
  
• Moody: I'm a redheaded woman with hormones. Moodiness isn't new, but when combined with everything else it's downright irritating.
• Lonely: I need to do a better job of orchestrating all these offers of help and company. I know y'all are out there, I just can't figure out what barrier to remove so you can come here and hang out with me.
• Getting bored: I'm developing a routine which is nice, but it lacks productivity to it. Trouble is, productivity usually requires deadlines, and deadlines and pain meds just don't mix.
• I want my damned 2-week happy boost! The book and several other sources said 2-weeks is the magic point at which you all-of-a-sudden start feeling better (not perfect but better). Now maybe I'm just running ahead of the game and I had mine on day 6 in the hospital when I all of a sudden took a shower and started wandering around sans walker. I really haven't felt any giant increases in wellness since then. I'm sure there are all kinds of little improvements I'm not noticing cause I'm in this damn body every day, but still... grrr.
• I want to sit at Max's feet again. This, I know, is pure impatience. Max has already found ways to start reclaiming some of our power dynamic. But I'm gnashing at the bit because I want it allllll back right NOW! I want to be able to hop up when he comes to the door and get him a glass of water to drink while I make him coffee and he enjoys sitting in my nice TIDY living room. Then I want to kneel quietly with my head on his knee while he chats with Russell or works on his laptop.
  
• The apartment is a mess and it's driving me crazy! Probably part of the reason I'm not actively inviting more people over is embarrassment about the state of the apartment. Logically this isn't really a problem because y'all understand I can't bend over to pick stuff up, but logic doesn't seem to matter to this emotional part of my brain. I know many of you would happily come over and help me clean, but that just feels weird too. Bah!
• I have officially reached my threshold for feeling needy. This is not a good sign. I have a long way to go before I'm self-sufficient.

This is less than 45 minutes, but I seem to be feeling worse as I type not better so I'm stopping now. I anticipate a gratitude/landmark entry very soon.

The Incision

There are pictures linked in this post, feel free to skip the reading and go straight to the images if you like :)

Four days after surgery, the surgeon came in and removed the dressing covering my incision and the wound drains. (tangent: Wound drains are weird things! They are long tubes sticking out of the incision and attached to little bellows-like boxes that collect all the goo that would otherwise back-up under my skin or mean changing bandages a whole lot more. Even after my catheter came out I had the wound drains for a day or two longer. Because they came detached in several places fairly easily, it was like having a pair of Eeyore tails while trying to get around my hospital room.) My redhead skin was unbelievably sensitive. Literally, unbelievable as far as the surgeon was concerned. He kept saying "I'm just pulling up tape, this shouldn't hurt, I'm not touching anything." The nurse who had seen my skin after the last IV replacement believed me when I cried out and tried to explain it to the surgeon, but to not much avail.

I'm really really glad Max was there in person for this procedure, I know I would have completly fallen apart without him there to hold me and keep me focused. Let me just say it's a damn good thing my doc went into surgery rather than gynocology. At least most of the time his patients are unconscious so it doesn't matter if he warns us about when he's going to touch something sensitive. After the stress of the bandage removal, I was really nervous about the wound drain removal. Having them removed was a tickley sensation, but didn't actually hurt.

Here are two pictures of what the incision looked like right after the bandage removal. The first is a wider shot and a little easier to look at if you squick easily. This second one is more upclose for my detail oriented readers.

You'll notice there are a couple bandages at the base still. Those were there to catch what was left from the wound drains and came off a couple days later (Russell was there for the next round of bandage removal, but neither Russell nor Max were there for the final removal on day 6. It wasn't pretty and I think the surgeon felt kind of bad afterwards. That was a really rough morning.)

I don't have any x-rays to show you just yet, but here is a before/after shot of the outside of my back. Don't click if you don't want to see ouchies on my back! It's behind a link because the before was taken after a pretty intense single-tail scene with Max and my bare butt is featured. Look at my waistline on the right side to see the really dramatic change in my body shape. I'm "standing up straight" in both pictures.

Content-free post

I need this cat right now. Wonder if I can get an ADA waiver on the no-pets rule at the apartment for a cat while I'm in recovery?

Another Recovery Landmark:

I POOPED!!!

Ok, I realize this is really more information than anyone wants, but for those of you considering this surgery, you need to fully comprehend what a HUGE deal this is. Today is the first day since September that I have pooped without the aid of chemicals. And yes, that liberated sensation that we all know about and no one talks about does still accompany the post surgery poo.

In other landmark news:
The first post-surgical load of laundry is done with the aid of two consecutive visitors today. I really enjoyed having both ladies over and welcome more visitors at this time. It seemed pretty obvious to both visitors when my stamina was gone and it was time to go, so no need to worry about keeping me up too long.

Memories of Surgery Day

In less than 12 hours I went from looking like this to looking like this. Here's what I remember about it:
The morning started (as most appointments on this journey have) with a bunch of hanging out in a waiting room. Other patients came in later and went back sooner, but it didn’t bother me all that much because it just meant more time with my family. I can’t say I was in a big hurry to get started honestly. The extra time also gave us all a chance to see that even if my “next of kin” consisted of a group of 4 very important people, the nurses were only going to let one of them come back to the next stage with me. This is a choice I would have liked to be a little more prepared to make, but when it came right down to it, it wasn’t so very difficult. Thankfully I knew there would be no resentment no matter whom I chose.

When the time came, I went back into a pre-op area with Russell where began the unending litany of monitoring my vitals. This is also where I got the hospital gown and was introduced to a nifty new contraption: the hot air blanket—think blanket-shaped paper balloon hooked up to a hairdryer. I met my anesthesiologist (a friendly, practical lady who obviously had horse history), saw my surgeon one last time, and briefly met the circulating nurse. There was, once again, some lag time here so we managed to cycle the rest of my family back one at a time to give me one last good-luck wish. The anesthesiologist poked the first of many IV holes in me and started some relaxation medication before they wheeled me back. Max was the last family member I saw as I went through the doors to the OR.

In the hallway, I was awake just long enough to confirm my suspicions about the anesthesiologist’s horse background. I don’t know why it was such an important observation to me at the time, but it went a long way to helping me feel a little more comfortable knowing we had some kind of shared background. It was REALLY cold in the OR. I was fading fast after the second dose of relaxant, but vaguely recall meeting the Neuromonitoring specialist and the extremely apologetic nature of the nurse as she stuck a bunch of cold electrodes to my torso. I was unconscious before they stuck any more probes in me or hooked me up to the catheter—Thank Heavens! I remember nothing about the surgery.

Waking up was not as smooth a process. I was face-up when I woke up. I remember having full-body chills and shivers. They quickly put a bunch of baked blankets on top of me that seemed to calm things down a little bit. Then I was out for a little while again only coming to when I heard people trying to figure out which room to put me in. My finely tuned “communication error!!” alarms woke me right up. The plan beforehand was that my family would know which room I was assigned and they’d be there waiting for me when I rolled in. When no one was there, my anxiety level went way up. I tried to be patient, figuring someone would go get them quickly, but either my sense of time was off or none of the staff understood my request the first time. I had to throw a first class fit go get someone on staff to go find my people who were waiting and worried about me. This is a part of the process I wish there had been more amnesia drugs to erase.

Speaking of wishing for more amnesia drugs; I wish I could forget how upset my mom was when she saw me. Parents of scoliosis surgery patients really truly should find someplace else to be that first night. Mom wound up staying that night and trading off watching over me with Russell. Do I wish she hadn’t been there? Absolutely not. She did what she’s always done my whole life. Cared for me the best way she could and more than anything else in the world. Do I wish she didn’t have to go through that? Absolutely. I don’t recall all of what I needed from Mom and Russell, but I’m still very glad they were there that night. I just wish it hadn’t been so hard for them.

So, About the Collar

Preface:
Collars are uniquely intimate connections. Even with as open as I try to be here, there's a lot about the collar that will continue to go unspoken on this blog. What I don't want to glaze over though is the fact that making changes on one branch of a poly relationship will almost always have impacts on others. Wearing the collar like this was a big change. The other members of my poly family have given me an amazing gift by choosing the lowest-drama route to dealing with this situational change. I can not say enough how grateful I am for that. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many incredible people.

How did Max's collar interact with my surgery and recovery?
First I should start with how I came to be wearing his collar immediately before surgery and during recovery. While Max and I have had a collar-oriented relationship for about a year, this is the first time I'm wearing his collar not in his immediate presence. It's a huge step for both of us, but one we were ready to take when the surgery rolled around.

The Sunday before surgery, we scheduled one last overnight date. As some people might imagine, this “date” quickly turned into a grief and anxiety processing session. Honestly, the nature of the date didn’t surprise us either. After this intense evening, we decided to leave the collar on so I could keep going back to it as a concrete representation of our connection and a source of the same strength and serenity I feel when I’m working hard for him. It worked! The next day at work I could feel it underneath my shirt reminding me to finish or release the last couple tasks on my plate so I could leave early. That afternoon, my massage therapist was a little surprised by the collar, but noted just how much more willing my body was to let go of the tension it’d been holding for the last few months. People all around me were commenting on how calm and centered I seemed given the circumstances.

As helpful as the collar was for my mental and emotional states, it didn't seem like the brightest most practical idea to go in the operating room wearing a chain locked around my neck. Much to my surprise, my surgeon was just fine with the idea. He did however suggest the anesthesiologist might be less flexible about extra stuff hanging around my airway. Rather than deal with back-n-forth the morning of surgery, it just made more sense to take it off in a quiet moment with Max just before heading back and let him put it back on as soon as it made sense to do so afterward.

I don't actually remember when in the sequence of events immediately post surgery Max put the collar back on. The farther I get from that day the blurrier things become. I do remember the power the collar held though, I do remember it linking right in to our connection and opening up to him, I do remember how relieved I felt to be able to push just a little more of my fear and pain back out through those links and into Max's strong hands, I remember feeling just a little more peaceful knowing I didn't have to do it alone anymore.

The collar was also a very practical tool for much of the hospital stay, even when Max wasn't around. It worked like a worry stone that never fell out of reach. I could fiddle and fidget with it when nothing else could distract me from the sensations that moment. Or I could simply tug at it a little and feel Max's hands on my neck holding me and keeping me. I genuinely believe I had more and easier access to the mindset required to get through the tough nights because of his collar around my neck.

Friends and hospital staff took it in stride for the most part. I think I was on my third post-op day before anyone on staff so much as mentioned it actually. Most often I explained that it was a token to help me stay strong and centered. Whether people understand D/s relationships or not, they usually understand tokens and symbols. Every once in a while a vanilla friend would comment and I'd just flat out say "It's Max's collar." Sometimes this knocked them back a pace or two, but my ease with it seemed to spread quickly and calm the situation.

Recovery landmarks to-date:

Because I can't seem to focus long enough to answer any of the questions I posed this morning, and in order to avoid getting lost in the past, I thought I'd post a few recovery landmarks.
Most of these have been achieved through redheaded stubborness more than simply feeling better, but they still count.

• I walked around the block (including the flight of stairs out and back in to my apartment) yesterday.
• I showered in my own tub this morning. This included washing my hair and shaving my arm-pits. The only assistance I needed was to have Russell turn on and adjust the water (because that requires too much bending still) and then dry my back (because the skin is still very numb and I didn't want to risk any of the stitches).
• I traded one dose of prescription pain-killers for extra-strength Tylenol
  
• Immediately after the shower, I walked from my apartment to Table 219 (about a block away) so Russell and I could have brunch with my dad and one of his friends. This included the aforementioned stairs, some busy sidewalks/crosswalks, sitting up in a kind of hard booth for about an hour, and eating more than I've eaten in any one sitting since surgery.
• I pooped (a very small amount and with chemical assistance...but it still counts!)
• I made my own dinner tonight (ok, fine it was Top Ramen but that still meant crouching to get the pot and standing and stirring for a while)

It hasn't been all success and landmarks. Last night and this morning were pretty rough emotionally and I still spend A LOT of time napping and recovering from any of those activities listed above. But for people considering the surgery I think it's important to know that a little more than a week after I'm up and moving and making big progress.

Where to start?

I have some time and energy to put in to detailed posts about surgery, but I'm not sure I have enough to cover all the possible avenues. Below is a list of questions in no particular order that I would have loved to read before jumping in to this whole surgery thing. I'd really like to give quality answers to all the questions, but I probably need to prioritize which questions get answered first. Take a look at the list. What questions/topics interest you the most? What other questions do you have? I thought I could set up a poll on my blog entries, but I guess that's just an LJ thing, so please drop me a comment (anonymously if you like).

1. What do I remember about surgery day and right after waking up (are there any blank spots)?
2. How did/does it feel physically?
3. How did hospital staff deal with the plethora of chosen family cycling through my room?
4. How did wearing Max's collar influence my recovery?
5. How did the rest of my friends and family (much less the hospital staff) react to my wearing his collar in the hospital?
6. What were the peaks and valleys of the hospital stay?
7. What were the coolest things family/friends did for me while I was in the hospital?

The old X-Ray is gone

Unless you're using an RSS reader, you'll note the old x-ray picture in the sidebar is gone. That's because it's not what I look like any more and not what I want people to envision when they think of me post-surgery. Until I get the new set of x-rays to show a before/after set or a really pretty picture of me post-surgery please enjoy this beautiful painting by Ed Martinez showing a woman with a strong defined back getting ready for an evening out. I have a small print of it on my wall in my bedroom to remind me just where all this is going.

Jigity Jig!

I'm home again! I'm doing well in general. In addition to providing the transportation, Puck did a fabulous favor for Russell and I and picked up a few adaptive household items for us so the transition from hospital bed to home was much smoother than it could have been.

I'm still tired and still waiting for a complete bowel movement so good healing thoughts are still very very welcome. And I'm still being lame about replying to previous comments, even though I love getting them. Now that I'm home and getting to drive my own meds/meals schedules I'm hoping to put together a post with a little more about my perspective on the surgery/hospital stay along with some pictures that I'll hopefully be able to post behind a link to protect the squeamish.

First self-post from the hospital

Hi there boys and girls!!!
Day 5 was kind of a wheel-spinning day, but by noon-ish today I was doing much better. I've been up an walking around quite a bit, made a huge trek to the only place in the Swedish complex that still takes films long enough for my surgery.
I'm up and generally perky, but with limited stamina so this is a short post. I'll take time to give individual thanks to comments later, but THANK YOU ALL for all the words of support.

progress with some challenges

(still Russell)

Red is continuing to do better. She had the catheter out and came off the IV fluid/painkiller mix on Saturday, then both wound drains taken out Sunday morning. Keeping food down has been a real problem though, we've been through a few different oral painkillers and anti-nausea meds. Right now she's back on an IV to boost her sustenance a little and carry some more direct anti-nausea med that I didn't catch what it was. She had nothing at all hooked up to her for a bit though, and I'm hoping this one won't be needed for long. She does seem to be keeping down the latest set of painkillers with some chocolate milk.

She's able to get all the way from prone to sitting up on her own, and from there to standing with just a little help arranging her walker. She's able to get to the bathroom and back with minimal assistance. I've been told that this morning she was able to walk with Max all the way to the elevators and back!

I've been reading everyone's comments to her and she's been very happy to hear them (and I bet ready to hold a computer herself tomorrow). We've had a bunch of people who've been wonderful coming in and helping take care of her. Her mom came in Saturday morning, V spent all last night here, Puck relieved her this morning, A. visited at some point today, both her dad and Autumn were here much of the afternoon, and of course Kaylee and Max have also been here a ton.

Lots of progress

(Russell summarizing stuff Red says)

The big news is the two rounds of physical therapy yesterday, and two today. She had low blood pressure yesterday so didn't get far- sitting up in bed for half an hour or so, then back down. She did better today- up and to the bathroom, thence up and into the chair, then back into bed. This means she should be able to have her catheter out tomorrow. She's had broth a couple of times, then yogurt, and is now theoretically on a full diet although she hasn't ordered anything yet.

She says she's had good experiences with the nursing staff in general, and it makes a difference that she learns their names.

Kaylee spent an heroic night here last night while I got a good block of sleep, then I relived her this morning. Before I came in I stopped at Table 219 (formerly El Greco) for breakfast, and I must have looked pretty thrashed because Gary wouldn't let me pay for my food. I then did my best not to cry in the middle of his restaurant. :) Red's dad and Autumn came in to visit at about the same time early afternoon, and Autumn covered for me a couple hours while I got more food and picked up DVDs (the TV in the room has a little dvd player hooked up to it).

Red is getting better impressively fast, they're saying she should be able to go home on Tuesday.

Update

(more Russell)

Red got into her room somewhere between 8:00-8:30 last night, and we got in to see her around 8:30. She looked pretty flattened, but not in a lot of pain. Her voice was a quiet squeak from being intubated for so long, but she was conscious and coherent.

Her mom and I spent the night in her room alternating who was awake, until Kaylee came back and relieved us around 10 this morning. Red spent most of the night asleep, waking up briefly a few times. She was pretty puffy when we first saw her, but that got better over the course of the night. When I left this morning she looked more or less human, albeit about as stationary as you can get.

I just got off the phone with Kaylee (after a nap in my own bed, and good company and Thai food with A.), who said that Max had shown back up, and the physical therapist was there. When I left six hours ago, I think her limit for physical therapy would have been something like lifting one hand a few inches three times in a row (I'm not exaggerating), so this seems promising. ^-^

More Details

(Russell again)

We're back from food, but she's not in her room yet. The guess was that she'd be out of recovery somewhere in the 7:30-8:30 range, so we're good. I think the plan is that we see her installed, then Max and her mom head to their respective homes, and Kaylee or I spend the night curled up in her window-seat. We'll then rotate around over the next few days, (and I'll make sure to let people know when she's well enough for more visitors).

Surgery went an hour or two longer than they'd expected- her thoraco-lumbar curve corrected to about 24 degrees (from 57), and they had to balance that out in her thoracic curve so as to keep her shoulders even and lined up above her hips. I gather that was a pretty fiddly process to get just right. We've been told she'll be more or less unrecognizably puffy when we see her- being face-down for so long means that there's been a lot of fluid pooling. I'm going to be really happy to see her, though.

in recovery

(Russell)

Red's in the recovery room, we just met with the surgical team and she's good. We're going out for food, more details soon. ^-^

Yay!

(Russell)

Just got a call that they're done and closing the incision. :)

ETA: anesthesiologist just walked by, said she'd been relieved because it went long but that the neural monitoring looked just fine.

Still Going

(Russell)

I just got a call from the nurse with an update. Red's fine, they've got the rods done and her thoracic spine straightened, but are taking some extra time with her lumbar spine.

Doing Good

(Russell again)

The nurse just stopped by, said Red's doing fine. They're just about finished installing the screws. Next is attaching metal rods to those screws (bent carefully so as to align with her spine), then straightening the rods as much as possible to correct her curve and rotation. The nurse said another couple hours, my impression is she was referring to the surgery itself. After that there's closing up the incision etc, then some time in the recovery room, so probably another couple hours after that. Once she's awake they take out her breathing tube, then she goes up to her own room, then we can visit her. ^-^

Here we go!

(Russell with an update)

Red is in surgery now, she looked happy and as relaxed as could be reasonably expected during prep. :) Max, Kaylee, her mother and I saw her in. Kaylee and I ran back to the apartment to get some stuff, heading back over to join Max and her mom at the hospital shortly. I think Max had found a wireless net there, so should be more updates later. Her surgery is scheduled to be over 3 or 4-ish, then recovery room for a couple hours, then we get to see her.

Prayer Request

Hi folks,
This time tomorrow I'll be at the beginning of the next stage of this journey. Russell will be updating the blog while I'm getting the ability to type and read back. Please keep me in your prayers and good thoughts (however you connect to spirit and good). Here are some of the things I'm inviting into this journey if you want to help more specifically.

• Countless opportunities to appreciate the humor, strength, generosity, kindness and love of my amazing family and friends
• Amazement in the human mind and body's ability to heal and adapt
• Moments of pride for excelling at tasks once thought too hard to attempt
• Fast and clean healing of the tissue on my back that leads to continued strength and flexibility for years to come
• A stable and healthy spine that gives me the structural support needed to feel sound and grounded.
• Commitment to continuing to take care of my body
• A surplus of financial resources to meet my obligations
• A surgery and recovery that goes smoother than anyone could reasonably predict

Everything's a priority

Posted to another discussion board earlier today:

I mentioned a little bit ago that my life was full of lists as the surgery approached. Well, as common sense would predict, the lists haven't gotten any smaller really. It seems like the closer I get closer to the day the more stuff pops up demanding immediate attention. This is the kind of vanilla problem that mucks up the works for kinky lifestyles all the time. But this time it's happening to me and I want to whine about it a little.

Max and I have a precedent that I write a detailed reflective narrative after each overnight date. At first they were necessary for clear communication, then they were a tool for course correction, now they function as a verbal photo album. He can search through his archives of emails from me and dig up all kinds of little tid-bits to play with in other scenes. As you might predict, he was really clear about wanting one after our first long weekend together--so much so that he made time for me to make notes while we were still up at the cabin. Even with the set of notes though, it still takes about 4 hours to compose the kind of reflection I've become accustomed to giving about just one day and I had 4 to write about. I love writing these things because they give me a chance to relive the experiences while I'm trying to describe them to him. This was an absolute priority to get done. I got the first two days done in successive evenings at the peril of other deadlines and priorities, but then the rest of life just wouldn't be ignored anymore.

Work deadlines came home with me and overrode all other activities Wednesday night. The next night was dedicated to my last chance to dance at Grind for a while. Friday was swallowed whole with miscellaneous pre-surgery errands (half of which went unaccomplished). Yesterday I finally got some quality time with Russell, but half-way through the evening I got a "where-the-heck is the rest of your homework" email from Max. Max is a smart man, so that was really a rhetorical question. Intellectually he understood what was going on even before I told him, but that didn't change what a priority this project was for him. He's helping me make time to finish it up tonight, but that doesn't change the way my inner perfectionist feels about getting a "where-the-heck is it" email from my dominant. Surely it shouldn't be so hard to:

• prepare mentally and physically for surgery
• re-arrange the house for recovery
• prioritize the doing things that I will miss most during recovery (like walking in the woods and dancing at Grind)
• make quality time for Russell
• make quality time for Kaylee
• make more quality time for Max
• make quality time for my bio-family
• purchase all the weird little things I'll need for recovery
• clean the house
• make it to doctors' appointments
• keep my long-distance friends updated about life
• meet my work deadlines
• prepare my office and job to turn over to my (seriously overworked) supervisor for 6 weeks or more
• and write a standard detailed narrative of an awesome weekend

all before Wednesday morning. I mean, it's not like I didn't see this date coming for more than 3 months!

"Unrealistic" you say? "Ask for help" you say? Well yes, I agree on both accounts in principle, but sometimes I need to let my inner perfectionist throw a GradeA hissy fit before I can really put her back in the corner where she belongs. I'm wondering if part of all this list making is a subconscious attempt to force more time to appear between where I am and Wednesday morning. It's completely counter productive of course. I've talked many perfectionist/overachieving friends out of emotional trees by forcing them to tear up their to-do lists. It's a little more difficult to do that from the inside though.

Great Grind!

Yesterday I met my work deadline (well not to my perfectionist standards, but passably anyway) and felt a big weight off my shoulders. Which was good because last night I had A LOT of dancing to do. I love Grind and have missed it while dealing with the busy season at work and then getting wound up for the surgery.

Last night was the last Thursday before surgery so I was quite determined to make the most of it. The long absence coupled with the long day at work meant taking a little longer to transition from work to club-wear. I wasn't all that late, but late enough that I missed out on the warm-up music. I walked in the door and made a B-line for the dance floor without pausing to realize that my body has been pretty sedentary this week and might benefit from a wee little bit of stretching. But the DJ is a sadistic man and was playing some of my favorite fast-tempo music so what was I to do? (My sore legs and feet have several suggestions for me today)

Many of my friends made it out for some portion of the night and danced with me or gave me good luck squeezes between songs. During one of the quieter DJ phases, one friend even made some time to guide some spiritual healing work in preparation for all of this.

When the event ended, some of my up-all-night friends stayed to help Kaylee, Russell, and I capture some video of me dancing. Who knows, there might even be something fun for you two watch while you're waiting for surgery reports next week.

The schedule takes another hit.

First of all, thank you everyone who took the time to comment on the last post.

As things get closer, I'm feeling less inspired to reflect and more information-oriented so here ya go:
I had a lovely weekend away.
I woke up this morning with a UTI (connect the dots there any way you like)
After much fussing and fretting, we've established that the infection will clear up in three days or so and I will be able to have the surgery even though I will have missed donating a second unit of blood.

Now I have those approaching work deadlines to deal with so I'll probably not be back here until Thursday night or Friday. (Maybe I'll have more yummy pictures to share though)

Micro-update and Question List

I came down with a nasty little virus mid-day Thursday and I'm only just coming back up. That means that my blood donation schedule is off now. Oh well, the best laid plans...

Here's an interactive bit:
I'm starting to compile a list of the various things I want to ask my surgeon and his nurse less than 24 hours before surgery. I'll keep a running list on this post. If you have a question you think I should add to the list, drop me a comment. I need help with this people. I'm pretty damn good at gathering information indirectly through intuition and synthesis, but asking direct questions is not my strong suit.

The question list:

• How long do they expect I'll be in which parts of the hospital? (Surgery, ICU/Recovery, Patient room)
  
• Will I see the surgeon before surgery? How soon after will he check in?
  
• What are the policies around electronics in patient rooms? (iPod? Laptop? Wireless access?)
• At what point will the first people come see me after surgery?
• How do updates of my surgery progress get to family members? (Should they all hang out there all day? Should they rotate through, but keep someone there all day? Is there some pager system in case they all wander off?)
• Who do I need to tell about my picky diet stuff? How much space is there for making accommodations?
• Will there be more digital x-rays or other images I can have access to?
• What items should I bring with or specifically leave home? (I have several lists, but I want to cross reference with what the nurse says on this one.)
  

Praise be to the merciful Red Tape gods

They are sadistic fuckers, but in the end they came out on my side so I guess that's alright. I've been toodeling about making appointments getting ready for 10/1. Yesterday was full of a little more generalized panic than usual, but all in all I'm fairing pretty well. Then this afternoon my phone rings at work...

It's the business office for my orthopedic group. They're calling to let me know that my insurance company is not going to cover my costs the way they should because I don't have a direct referral on file. WHAT?!! I've been seeing this Dr for more than a year and now they bring that up?

After making a small scene in my office and several confused and frantic phone calls to my primary care Dr's office, there was nothing more I could do but wait. I'm used to waiting days and even weeks for things to work out. Today, it was about an hour before I got a call back. For reasons the office administrator didn't fully understand, all the referrals I needed were applied retroactively no questions asked.

Health care in this country is really weird.

Are you ok talking about this?

"Are you ok talking about this?" Several friends asked me this question last night. Almost apologetically, they ask for the details of my surgery and recovery. They are curious but don't want to overstep or stir-up more anxiety. "Hell, I blog about this stuff…" I reply in an almost dismissive tone. It occurs to me to ask if they are ok listening to me talk about this. I watch the way I rattle off the median statistics for a healthy adult's progression through surgery and recovery. Am I presenting as too detached? I certainly am anxious, but talking about it or not talking about it doesn't seem to make much difference.

The funny thing is most of these friends have just returned from Burning Man. While the two experiences don't directly compare the way we tell stories about them is remarkably similar. The month before the event, we simply can't avoid talking about it: when do you leave? what are you doing to get ready? do you have enough help? what are you expecting? what are the risks? how long are you going to be gone? why in the hell do you think this is a good idea again? Then we're gone, incommunicado, for about a week. We try to document the experience while its happening, but we know there's really not any way to convey this experience to people who aren't there with you. We come back, dazed and a little incapacitated for a while but full of stories to tell about hardships and triumphs and ridiculously stupid things we did. The big difference here… I don't plan to start this game up again next year.

Lately I'm trying to be more aware of the kinds of stories I'm telling about my future. I don't want to set up unreasonable expectations, but also want to avoid giving too much voice and energy to the worst-case scenarios. It's a surprisingly delicate line to walk. It's not going to happen, but what if it does? How do I stay optimistic and centered while still preparing for the worst? It's not necessary to ask "What could possibly go wrong?" so often. (Anyone who watches Joss Wheadon television knows that's a HORRIBLE question to start an episode.) The thing about story telling is when those questions get asked, the universe feels compelled to answer them clearly. I guess the best thing I can do is speak to the giant pile of resources and circumstances I already have lined up in my favor.
These are the stories I want to spend the most time telling over the next couple weeks:

• Russell, Kaylee, Max, my parents, my coworkers, and a wealth of extended chosen family are all standing strong beside me.
• I have a fantastic lead surgeon with a spectacular assistant surgeon all part of one of the area's premier orthopedic groups.
• I'll be having the surgery at a new hospital purpose-built for orthopedics.
• My body is young and healthy.
• The hospital is close to home (as in a matter of blocks) so even recovery check-up visits will be easier than many people have it.
• There are two remarkably comfortable beds in my home.
• I have a laptop and wireless internet so I don't have to feel so isolated.
• I have a fantastic health-plan and work for an incredibly supportive organization.
• I am generally self-aware and practiced at spotting unhealthy patterns and asking for the help I need to correct them.
• My partners have partners to lean on and places to go when things are challenging at home.
• While I still don't like or seek out pain, I have a much better understanding of how to process it than I would have 10 years ago.
• Most of all though, I know I am loved; that right there is going to make all the difference in the world.

It started

Apparently, the threshold for surgery worries invading my dreams has finally been crossed. The most stressful part of last night's dream was the large number of school-aged children (relatives of some sort) roaming about needing attention and reassurance. Well, that and my inability to figure out how to get into the crocheted afghan/sleeping bag on my gurney or whether to lie face up or face down. I think Russell needs a bigger blanket on his new bed. :)

I'm quickly reaching the point where there's noting left to do but watch the surgery date approach like a freight train. I've been coping these last couple weeks (and this weekend) by busying myself with schedules and to-do lists, but those are both running out of space pretty quickly. My conscious awareness may be finding these kinds of activities helpful, but the sub-conscious mind in charge of body functions is not fooled. It's already calling for preparations. While I haven't significantly changed my eating or activity habits, I'm storing more fat and gaining weight. My body temp, which usually runs at a cool 97.9, has been slowly but steadily increasing over the last week. It was at 99.0 when I went in to donate blood yesterday although I'm not feeling particularly ill. I'm trying to pace myself, have some quiet time, stop fixating. I think I'm going to need more reminders and external support on this goal next week. Fortunately, I have a community of friends and family capable of doing just that.

April 08 X-rays

Today was the day of getting little stuff done. In addition to basic domestic duties, I started yet another small health-insurance battle, completed a pre-admission form for the hospital, scheduled my pre-surgery haircut for tomorrow, rescheduled the trip to the fair previously planned for tomorrow, successfully donated a unit of blood, scheduled the final office visit with my surgeon, and picked up the digital x-rays from my April visit to Dr. Wagner at UW.

You may note the x-ray in the sidebar has changed. With much thanks to Russell who just happened to have magic software for reading medical image files, that's actually me over there now. The curves appear to be going the opposite direction of the original, but that's because they were showing them from the back instead of the front.

I've gone ahead and posted these under a link in case someone is feeling squeamish about pictures of bones today: Here is a very reduced version of my full length x-ray and a slightly closer view of just the torso (this is the same as the one in the side bar, only large enough for you to see).

Gratitudes!

Time to toss out a list of things I'm really grateful for (in stream of consciousness order):

• Making it through the one-month count-down mark without panicking.
• Finding the exact shoes I'd searched 4 Target stores to find at Value Village... in good shape, on 50% off everything day.
• Piles and piles of quality moments with Russell.
  
• I'm extra super grateful for Russell in general.
• Taking Paige and Russell to visit my mom in my home town and spontaneously getting to introduce them to some of my old-school extended family (My mom took care of her in college, she babysat me, I babysat her daughter--who graduated college recently GAWD I'M OLD, and every year we still take cookies to their house at Christmas)
• Supportive--if sometimes a little stress inducing--comments from my coworkers.
• Having a seriously relaxed couple days at work recovering from the busy season.
• Easy on-line booking systems for the only nice campground I know about (yes, I know, some tree-hugger I am... but I like to visit trees, not take up residence with them)
  
• Spready Cheese on crackers (Russell who brings them to me)
  
• The guy at Quiznos who always gives me the discount price even though I order the wrong ingredients on my sandwich.
• Aleive that knocks out my cramps.
• Happy news from a redhead about to start school at Mt. Holyoke
  
• Paigelett now has extra time in her schedule
• Friends and Family (including Paige, Russell, and Max) who make time in their schedules to be with me even when they don't really have it.
• A mid-day massage appointment.
• The brand new extra comfy bed in Russell's bedroom (even if it isn't the one I'm sleeping on tonight)
• Having my own blog to occasionally fill with a pile of random happiness

More topic oriented content coming soon... probably.

All This and Better Please

Posted to LJ on: Apr. 18th, 2008 at 4:21 PM

A lovely and wise friend reminded me to let spirit in on this whole support structure thing. As such I'm going to list some of the best possible outcomes of this surgery so we can keep them in focus and help them happen.

• Countless opportunities to appreciate the humor, strength, generosity, kindness and love of my amazing family and friends
• Amazement in the human mind and body's ability to heal and adapt
• Moments of pride for excelling at tasks once thought too hard to attempt
• Fast and clean healing of the tissue on my back
• A stable and healthy spine
• Commitment to continuing to take care of my body
• A surplus of financial resources to meet my obligations
• A surgery and recovery that goes smoother than anyone could reasonably predict

Bleedin' Schedules

The first round of blood donation did not go as planned. On the up side, my hemoglobin
count was nice and high (15.3 on a scale where the acceptable range is 12-15.5). Unfortunately the phlebotomist did not stick the needle in quite right so I bled incredibly slowly. The nurse then came over and tried re-adjusting the needle (A LOT). Once again skills acquired while doing kinky stuff came in quite handy in a completely vanilla context--hooray for pain processing. After 20 minutes of having to stand by me and hold the needle in place to get any blood at all, she decided there was probably a clot in the needle and stopped the operation with less than half a unit gathered. The whole thing will go to waste now and rather than having 2 weeks between donations, I'll only have one.

In better news, my inner control freak is pleased to note I'm getting a bunch of my to-do list scheduled across the weekends in September.

• This weekend I had a delightful date with Max yesterday, a good walk in the woods with Russell today, and a Mom-visit scheduled for tomorrow.
• Next weekend is all about the spinny rides: I'll be doin' the Puyallup with friends on Saturday and then a very pretty lady will be stringing me up by a pencil swivle at the club Sunday night.
• The weekend after, I'll get in a pile of woods time. I'll be "camping" with Kaylee and a couple girls from work.
• The weekend after that is the long-awaited getaway weekend with Max.
• The Thursday after that (the 25th) I've arranged to stay at my local club after hours with a few friends to get video and possibly stills of the way I dance before surgery. I'll be sharing some of those here on the blog. The rest of that weekend will be dedicated to unstructured surgery/recovery prep.

Of Vampires and Supplements

I donate my first pint of blood tomorrow morning. I used to donate pretty regularly, but haven't been to a blood bank since the early part of this decade. I am partnered to a bisexual man and around here that means my blood is tainted. (I don't really need to type out that whole rant here do I?) I'm a little nervous just because it's one step closer to The Big Day.

One of the things Dr. Williams said I could do to get ready for surgery was to take iron supplements. I managed to avoid picking these up until the beginning of this month. I dutifully took them every day for a week . However I also wound up with more of what I refer to as "brain chemical" problems that week. I had a busy weekend and failed to take my vitamins, but kept taking my prescription med and all of a sudden the brain chemical problems went away. After a second happy week without the vitamins, I was pretty sure there was some problem with one of the two new vitamins I started. While in no way scientific, I discovered some pretty clear anecdotal evidence that my iron supplement was the problem. This was a bummer because with the exception of the brain chemical problems, there really weren't any of the other side effects commonly associated with taking iron (constipation, queesiness etc.). Tonight I'm trying a different brand with a lot fewer extra chemicals added to see what happens. Hooray for experimenting with supplements.

I'll post tomorrow if I have any epiphanies while sitting on the donor's table in the morning.

Scoliosis and Kink

Things about scoliosis that make being kinky more fun:

• In general, people with scoliosis are bendy in fun and interesting ways.
• I spent my formative years wearing a rigid plastic corset that cinched in the back; I now have lots of skill at adjusting garments and bondage behind my back.
• Chronic back pain is an excellent cover story for the magic wand.
  

Things about kink that make having scoliosis easier:

• My mother frequently laments the lack of traction equipment in her house on those days her scoliosis just needs a good stretching out. Hemp + Hardpoints = traction equipment.
• Erotic dancing is great for core strength.
• Lot's of pain processing practice makes you look like a pro on the massage table.
  

Things about scoliosis that pose extra challenges to being kinky:

• Off the rack corsets are out of the question (though I do have a high-quality waist cincher).
• It's hard to explain to the one throwing the flogger why hitting you on the right shoulder and hitting you on the left shoulder elicit completely different responses (one side of my back is a lot meatier than the other).
• Having a back that is unpredictable means needing to have more body awareness and communication skills.
  

In 12 Weeks

In 12 weeks, I'll be starting back at work again. I'll be through the heavy narcotics phase, and the struggling to walk to the bathroom phase, and the hospitalized phase, and the waiting to get this damn thing started phase.

Today though, I've only just started the making appointments phase. I have an appointment with Human Resources tomorrow to complete the paperwork for my leave. I'm making an appointment for a week from tomorrow to donate the first pint of blood for transfusions during surgery.

Now that I'm less than six weeks from surgery I feel a bit like a tiny collection of snowflakes the wind just rolled down a hill. Something tells me the perceived distance from October 1st is going to decrease exponentially rather than linearly. There's so much I want to squish in to this ever shrinking space of time. I want a high-quality hair trimming (I don't anticipate being comfortable in a shampooing sink for many months after surgery). I want to finish editing the shoot we have in the can for TwoBigMeanies. I want to get in a couple social-dance nights--waltzing and swing. I want to go on ridiculous spinny rides (at the Puyallup Fair and the Wetspot). I want to laugh hysterically with my friends. I want to walk in the woods. I want to make it to another Gina Sala chanting session. I want to amass a collection of videos, books, music, and audio books. I want to spend time with my parents and their respective energetic canine companions. I want to get video record of the way I dance at Grind. I want to actually accomplish a shoulder shimmy in belly-dancing class before I can't do it any more.